This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 13 April 2014

Eccles visits the wilderness

Prayer and relfection is a great way to spend Lent, but for a saved pusson like me it's a bit too easy. Therefore, I asked my bishop - a man of great spiritaul insights - to recommend somefink extra, as befits a trully saved pusson.

"Eccles, you is right," he said. "Go ye forth into the waste lands of the world, where the word of God is never heard, and bring em spiritaul nuorishment."


A place for prayer and relfection.

"Not Croydon again!" I remonstarted. "Even Jesus didn't spend forty days locked in a shed wiv a deacon."

"Nope," said +Thingummy, "I have something even worse for you. Do the words 'custard', 'hair salon' and 'Gladys Mills' suggest somefink to you?"

"You want me to visit Damain Thopmson's blogg?" I gasped. "You know, Croydon isn't so bad, reely. Even deacons in sheds is almost human."

2048 game

A nightmarish vision, caused by playing the "2048" game too long.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I registered on Diqsus as "ecclesiis" (for it is Eccles, I is), and went along to the holy smoking wastelands.

Is David Cameron a saved pusson?

That was the title of Thopmson's blost, in which the author gave an in-depth analsyis of the spiritaul state of our Prime Minister, concluding with the mysterious comment: "Personally I don’t care if Dave is a Chinese frog-worshipper..." (I spose he means Chinese-frog worshipper,as it don't seem very likely that Dave is reely Chinese).

Cameron and Kermit

David Cameron communicates with his deity.

As usual, Damain didn't have enough material to last him to the end of the piece, so he includded some stuff about Charles Hawtrey, Monty Python, and Vaughan Willaims clibming up his wall.

So I rolled up my trouser legs - sorry, I meant sleeves, I was thinking of ACTA for a moment - and took a look at the comments section. It seemed to be populated mostly by the resident troll, one "Phil", posting anti-Cathlic sentiments under half a dozen different usernames. There was one or two other trolls around, mostly based in South America, so clearly there was a crying need for the contributoins of a saved pusson.

red biretta

The new avatar of Ecclesiis.

I challenged a few of the nastier comments of "Phil", offered a cup of tea to anuvver pusson who was gettin a bit incoherent, and basically shone the light of my widsom on the poor desolate blogg, wot had seen better days.

In less than one hour, all my posts had been deleted, and I had been banned.

Well, we knew that the muddlerators on the blogg were creul unsaved pussons, and that even the bloggs editor had no control over em. But this was quick work. Apparently, Phil is a pusson wiv a mark on his head like Cain, wot says he is under specail protectoin.

So I has given up on the wilderness of Damain, and has decided to convert pagans instead. Phew, at least it's nearly the end of Lent.

stone circle dance

A pagan dances round a stone circle.


  1. I think that Cameron may be a little bit more saved than Obama, but that's just me.

  2. As a witch in bad standing, may I advertise my new venture in pagan catechetical studies, which is run under the auspices of the "Magic Circle" of England and Wales?, and is suitable for all those aiming to teach RE in Catholic Schools? It consists of six core modules
    1) Old Testament: We feel that there are far too many bearded Zionists, and oppressed enablers such as Judith, Deborah, Ruth and Susannah in this work. In search of the diversity required in modern day pedagogy, we have therefore chosen to concentrate on my ancestress Lilith (notwithstanding the fact that she only appears in the much under-rated Kabbalah), Delilah, and Jezebel as models of female empowerment Possible essay titles include ”Did the Witch of Endor who suffer a possible defamation at the hands of the Prophet Samuel.” Remember essays must be written in inclusive language – especially when dealing with the effects of climate change on the hospitable inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah
    2) New Testament. This module concentrates on the ACTA s of the Apostates. We look at the the hitherto unseen speech by Judas , exhorting the disciples to bring the Church kicking and screaming into the new millennium by donating the contents of the communal purse to the Judean Liberation Front. Possible essay topics include “St Paul – dontcha hate him”, and “Glossolalia – did the disciples cheat by using an early version of Google Translate secretly installed on the Antikytheria Mechanism?”

  3. Apologies for a typo in the essay title above for Module 1. It should read ”Did the Witch of Endor suffer a possible defamation at the hands of the Prophet Samuel?”

    I know Bruvver Eccles is very hot on typos.

  4. According to Sods Law Mr David Caremon cannot be saved.