To: Cardinal Gerhard Müller, Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith.
From: Alfred Xuereb, first private secretary of Pope Francis.
Could you sign the excommunication order for Enda Kenny, Holy Father?
Thank you for your memorandum expressing concern that the Holy Father may have too much time on his hands, which is why he has got into the habit of phoning up random Catholics for a chat. Following your advice, we are proposing a full programme of activities to keep him busier. Here are some ideas:
1. Canonizations. The recent ceremony was very popular, and succeeded in winding-up the non-Catholics as well as the Tablet paper. We propose some more high-profile canonizations, possibly including Pope Pius XII, Grand Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada, Pope Alexander VI, and Pontius Pilate. The resulting controversy should keep the Pope fully occupied.
Nobody expects Cardinal St Ximénes de Cisneros!
2. Excommunications. We have received petitions for the excommunication of Hans Küng, Tina Beattie, Tony Flannery, Enda "Enda Life" Kenny and Bishop Michael Campbell (this last one may be a misunderstanding, but we will appoint a "God's Advocate" to look into the question, all the same).
Oh yes, I'm a pious Catholic, Holy Father!
3. Travel. Pope Francis is not such a good traveller as Pope St John-Paul II was, but we should be able to pack him off to a few exciting places.
Pope Francis has expressed an interest in riding on a tram in Croydon.
4. If all else fails, we will suggest to the Pope that he release some more symbols of peace. We haven't had much luck with doves, but he could try sending out creatures such as wild boar, alligators and tigers into the streets of Rome: they can probably take care of themselves.
Pope Benedict releases a "lion of peace".
Anyway, all further suggestions will be gratefully received. At present Pope Francis spends a lot of time in front of the television, gloomily watching re-runs of The Two Marinis, and it can't be good for him.
It's "Ite, missa est" from me - and it's "Ite, missa est" from him!