We are fifty odd intellectual giants, er, sorry, fifty-odd intellectual giants, who like to see our names in the papers, and between us we have put together this letter in which we give an in-depth analysis of Britain, in just a few short paragraphs. Being busy people we just had time to write two words each.
Look, we're not all as saintly as David Cameron!
Look at the names we've got on board! Not Richard Dawkins or Stephen Fry, we admit - they were too busy being famous somewhere else - but who cannot be impressed by the names of Rincewind the Magician (failed), Dr Death, Polly Tuscanee, and Martin Rowson the world's most pointless cartoonist?
Sir Terence Pratchett, Regius Professor of Wizardry.
Now we admit that Christian values are taken very seriously by the blessed David Cameron, just as they were by St Tony Blair. So seriously, that he does not let them affect his policies in the slightest (but then, nor did St Tony). Our Dr Evan Helpus in particular is very happy that abortion is thriving in the country as never before - who knows, perhaps he'll get pregnant himself, exercise his own right to choice, and perhaps end up on Big Brother! And of course we're all great fans of Equal Marriage - although Giles Fraser explained to us that this is actually a Christian thing, and so it probably doesn't count.
He's not my husband, I just met him in a bookshop.
Anyway, we're all very cross that people have been celebrating Easter this weekend, especially Simon Singh. Did you notice that Simon sign(h)ed the letter twice? That's because he's very cross indeed. And Polly is cross because nobody sent her a Fairtrade Easter egg. Someone did give Ken Follett an Easter bunny, but they told him not to bite its head off, so where's the fun in that?
Apart from the narrow constitutional sense that we have an established "church", Britain is no longer a Christian country. At Professor Grayling's College for Rich and Stupid Atheists, the students beg to be allowed to work on Sundays, Good Friday, Easter, Christmas, etc. Well, we say work, but this week's challenging assignment - curling up with The God Delusion and drawing faces on the blank pages - is surely a pleasure rather than a chore?
J. and M. In deference to Muslims' feelings, the latter is portrayed as a black egg.
Anyway, it's very important to have Equality and Diversity in this country, as this means that we are all equal and unequal at the same time. We respect all faiths of course, and want them to flourish, provided they do what we tell them. You see, we have discovered in round-the-table-chatter at Islington dinner parties that we all fundamentally believe in the same things. Socialism. Liberalism. Atheism. Equal equality. Diverse diversity. Equal diversity. And of course Diverse equality. And Chocolate.
Signed, ... a long list of very boring and egocentric people who don't see why the Christians are so happy at Easter.