This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Canterbury and Liverpool, the Eternal Cities

Various parts of the United Kingdom are thinking about becoming independent in the near future: Scotland, with the hard-hitting slogan "It's Scotch Whisky"; Cornwall ("They're Cornish pasties!"); Yorkshire ("They're Yorkshire's Puddings!"); and even Eccles ("Hands off our cakes!").

None of these areas is particularly holy - with the possible exception of Eccles - and thus the English Church has decided to follow the Vatican model, and find an autonomous base of its own. Canterbury was the obvious location, and this will now become a separate country, to be referred to as Anglican State, with the current archbishop, Justin Welby, taking the title "Pope Justin".

Canterbury Tales

One of the sacred books of the Anglican faith.

In fact, it was thought for a while that Liverpool might be a more suitable site for Anglican State, since it does at least have one cathedral that was not originally built by Catholics: it's the one that actually looks like a cathedral. However, moving to a city that names its airport after a pop singer was too silly even for the Church of England. Moreover, the Queen, as supreme governor of Anglican State, has refused to move to Merseyside, because - as she complains - they'll never let her walk alone.

Liverpool Anglican Cathedral

An Anglican cathedral not built by Catholics.

It is hoped that the establishment of Anglican State will make some of the governance of the Anglican Church run more smoothly. For example, in the Catholic Church it takes a week to appoint a new pope (but two years to appoint a new bishop, because they need to be sure to appoint one who has saintly qualities). The Church of England, on the other hand, took about a year to find someone who wasn't John Sentamu was both deeply spiritual and the sort of experienced businessman of whom Christ would have approved.

Digression: the Church of England Human Resources people insist that aspiring archbishops undergo a gruelling series of psychological tests. Here's an example:

The reigning monarch says you are "turbulent". Do you:
(a) Go into the cathedral to pray?
(b) Buy yourself a stab-proof vest to wear under your cassock?
(c) Apologise and hope for the best?
(d) Book a quick pilgrimage to the Holy Land?

It is thought that the popes of the Vatican and Anglican will have good diplomatic relations. Here they are, comparing notes about who has the funniest rebels in his flock.

Pope Francis and Justin Welby

"... as the ACTAs said to the bishop!"

Late news: Seeing that Liverpool has been rejected as a site for the Anglican City Richard Dawkins has determined to set up a new atheist republic, Dawkin City, in the Liverpool suburb of Knotty Ash, with himself as Pope Richard. He has even written a national anthem, which will be sung by his people whenever he makes a ceremonial appearance:

We are the Dawky Men, 
Dawkins' little Dawky Men, 
We are the Dawky Men 
Who come from Knotty Ash!
Dawky Men

The Dawky Men.


  1. Though liverpool's Anglican Cathedral may not have been built by Catholics, it was in fact designed by a Catholic architect

  2. " Liverpool does at least have one cathedral that was not originally built by Catholics... it's the one that actually looks like a cathedral."

    Perhaps not "built by" but actually designed by a Catholic!

  3. After naming their airport after a pop singer, I've often wondered when the city fathers will rename their City Lennongrad.

  4. Agreeing with the above comments, I would like to add that the Catholic Cathedral was designed by a Protestant and perhaps that is why it resembles a wigwam and it had a very leaky hide or collection of hides, which caused water to gather in large pools around the sides. I well remember the catch cry of the then Archbishop Heenan that he was going to build a cathedral for a million pounds. I believe that the problem with the leaky hides has cost well over five million pounds!

  5. Ever since Canterbury lost its greyhound racing stadium it has gone to the dogs.

  6. And you'll never Dawk alone.