This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 4 May 2014

The Deacon's blog

Hi, I'm Deacon Candide of the Diocese of Lancaster, and I run the very popular "Jesus loves fluffy kittens!" blog.

kittens

Jesus loves fluffy kittens!

My blog is a nice blog, and could offend nobody. You certainly won't find me being ordered to take a voluntary period of prayer and reflection! Nobody is going to tell me that my blog isn't suppressed but I need to bury it in concrete fifty feet underground!

news stories

No, no, no! These are not the stories anyone should be covering!

Of course, it isn't only fluffy kittens that I write about in my hard-hitting blog about the state of the Church today. I sometimes write controversial posts about bunny rabbits.

cute rabbit

The lettuce community was offended by this picture.

Today's Gospel was fun, wasn't it? All about the walk to Emmaus. We should take from it the message that walking is good for you, nice healthy exercise, and a good way to get fresh air. And if you meet someone on the way, why not be nice and offer them a high-fibre low-fat Fairtrade vegan sandwich? That's the true message of Easter!

four old ladies

Four young ACTA members study my controversial article about kittens.

Nihil obstat.

18 comments:

  1. The rabbit in the picture is not the rabit only is the rabit.

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  2. And what, pray tell, is wrong with posts about Catholic kitties? What have you got against cats on the blogosphere? Reprehensible ailurophobia...

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    Replies
    1. I'm with you on this! And why the blatant mockery of bunnies?

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  3. Well that just about says it all. From tomorrow, the Rabit (and you is not the Rabit, only I is the Rabit) will only be commenting on donkey matters. The Church has become too confusing.

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  4. Those young ladies are trads Im sorry to tell you - their heads are covered AND they wear skirts!

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  5. Darling eccles, in some quarters rabits are controversial, so you will be asked, voluntarily, to desist - or else :) xx Jess

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    Replies
    1. Yes, Rabits is controversial. Rabits shall cease commenting on religious matters after today in order to enter into a period of reflection and drinking (Eccles' luvvly phrase not mine).

      At one time I might have grandly thought of my present spiritual state as the "dark night of the soul" but now I recognise it as the simple result of being pissed off with a dysfunctional institution.

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  6. Dear Bishop Campbell

    As a witch in good ecumenical standing I must object to the sarcastic subtext in Deacon Candide's post - to wit

    "...a good way to get fresh air. And if you meet someone on the way, why not be nice and offer them a high-fibre low-fat Fairtrade vegan sandwich?"

    This is clearly a deeply ironic joke at the expense of the meat-is-murder community, referring snidely to "fresh air", "vegan" and "high fibre", clearly poking fun at the inevitable flatulence contingent on eating high-fibre vegan fare, necessitating a brisk walk after lunch.

    I also note that your combox is full of unkind remarks by people posing as my animal familiars. And women who wear mantillas. And women who look as if they would like to wear mantillas. And people talking about mantillas. I expect this is some sort of traddie joke or secret code as well.

    All I want is to be left in peace so that my friend Demdike and I can cause cattle murrains,give the evil eye to itinerant peddlars and debate on the issue of house-elf rights with our ffriends in ACTA. Is that too much to ask?

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  7. "The lettuce community was offended by this picture."

    I don't blame them. A man in a pointy hat assured them they wuz saved too, but then the bunny reminded them: "Extra ecclesiam nulla salad!"

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    Replies
    1. Wozzit the bunny wot sed: "Lettuce kneel and pray"?

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  8. Yes, the number one rule for the salvation of Catholics, particularly Catholic bloggers is: don't offend the heretics and apostates or impede in any way their destruction of Faith and morals for which they must have full freedom of expression and diabolic influence in the Church.

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  9. The lady with the tail showing, is that Tina?

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    Replies
    1. Would that be Tina Bowtie or just a bunnahnah?

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  10. The Vatican has many elephants in its drawing room at the moment.

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  11. The Gospels are also clear about a simple diet - bread, wine and figs...oh! and water.

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  12. My favourite animal story in The Gospels is about the possessed pigs that jump off the cliff edge. Reminds me of the joke about if pigs could fly.......yes! the price of bacon would go up. Well, those pig owners had had their bacon alright as Our Blessed Saviour knew they were Jewish. Was that anti-Semitic behaviour?

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  13. Let me see if I have this straight: We're peeved that Mozilla, the creator of Firefox, a FREE web browser, kicked out a former CEO over gay marriage. In retaliation, we're going to recommend people use Google or Microsoft applications, one of which is only free IF you buy the Operating System? Two companies who have never opposed gay marriage in any substantial way, but one of which has--or had--a CEO or owner (Bill Gates) who is known to have contributed to abortion advocacy on occasion?

    REALLY???

    If you want to retaliate economically or other substantial ways, provoke people to write more office software in Linux and persuade Linux companies to oppose all of these moral abominations.
    Right now, this effort merely irritates people like me who see no difference between one company's approach to moral conduct and another.

    You aren't endearing yourself to me by requiring me to use Explorer instead of my usual browser!

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  14. I am ashamed to report that no Bishop has ever informed me of his denial of any refusal to condemn my online commentary.

    Having said that, I have been banned more than once at the Torygraph and at Catholic Herald ...

    Can I add myself to the roster of the online martyrs, or is that story too pathetic for words ?

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