This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

I'm too judgemental, admits God

Following some scathing criticism from Mr "Andy" Burnham, who is a candidate for the five-year position of Leader of the Opposition, God the Father Almighty has admitted "Yes, perhaps I am too judgemental."

Andy Burnham

Only Andy Burnham is qualified to judge God.

God continued, apologetically, "I'm afraid I set up a system of right and wrong that was supposed to last throughout all ages. It took a man of the calibre of Mr Burnham to point out that the eternal verities had an expiry date of 2013. My plan to have a smaller, purer, Heaven, where only people who were by and large on my side could enter, was with hindsight a bit ambitious. It's a much better plan to 'dumb down' and lower the entrance requirements."

God further explained that the Last Judgement had been cancelled, and there would instead be a simple "Welcome to Heaven" party, to which all were invited.

falling into the Lake of Fire

Until now, voting for Andy Burnham was believed to carry certain long-term risks.

God did mention that everyone in Heaven was very impressed with Mr Burnham's words: My kids go to a Catholic school, so I still believe in the values and the grounding it gives you. We did not identify this paragon of education, but we believe it may be one of those new Catholic schools in which words like "God" and "Jesus" are forbidden. Certainly, the progressive view is that there should be no attempt to teach the basic notions of right and wrong, as this is something the children can work out for themselves simply by watching the BBC or reading the Guardian.

Mr Burnham had to read the catechism at school, and says it is powerful, strong and right. So it is right, but he disagrees with it. Yes, yes, Mr Burnham. Have a lie down, now. You've been working too hard, haven't you?

tied in knots

"Tied in knots? Me?" asks Andy.

Pope Francis is also offended at being described as "judgemental". Said he, "The one sentence of mine that people quote is 'Who am I to judge?' even if they take it out of context. Mr Burnham could at least credit me with having no judgement - after all, it's what my enemies in the Church tell me."


  1. I shan't be investing my £3 in this fellow.

  2. Dis is de sort of Cafflik Mas wot de Andy went to in his youf, is why he finks us Caffliks are de judgy mental sort of peeples :

  3. I really think you missed the point here. He is a dedicated Catholic:, "Earlier this year, he said he sacrificed family;" cast them into the pit, "Andy, Burn 'em" his followers chanted.

    The power struggle continues between St Corbyn (Patron saint of badgers) and St Tone and the Prince of Darkness. The outcome is important to us Heaven will either be nationalized or become part of the EU

  4. I am going to hijack your estimable thread to publicise a splendid letter to The Bitter Pill this morning; here is an extract:

    "I suppose at a pinch communicants might just be prepared to kneel to receive communion (a practice which, happily, seems to have disappeared in most of our churches).
    But the idea of women being recommended “to cover their heads at Mass” is simply preposterous."

    No comment.

  5. Looks like God might have been influenced by one of his non-directive counsellors down here on earth, eh, what his name?