This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 8 August 2015

Piers Morgan elected Pope

A startling prediction by the pundit Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan (I didn't make that up), commonly known as Piers Morgan, that he would be elected pope in August - see below - has come to pass. England has won the Ashes, and Pope Francis has bowed to the inevitable and resigned. The alleged alternatives, to have the papal phone hacked, to see invasive photos of himself in the American edition of the Daily Mail (Ed. P. Morgan), or to read headlines such as "SURRENDER! FOR YOU JORGE BELGRANO DA PONTIFICATE IS OVER!" were too much.

Piers Morgan tweet

The secrets of Fat-head. Mystic Morgan foretells the future.

For those Catholics disgruntled with some aspects of Pope Francis's reign, we can assure them that Pope Piers will be far worse. The forthcoming Synod on the Family will be replaced by a special series of Vatican's Got Talent featuring acts from all the leading clergy, with the winner being allowed to decide the question of Catholic doctrine on marriage and the family. Already, certain cardinals are practising their acts.

Kasper and umbrella

Walter Kasper performs "I'm singing in the rain".

It is also expected that Pope Piers will also take direct control of the Vatican Bank, using his undeniable gift for prophecy to make infallible purchases of shares that are will then increase in value. A special encyclical "QUOMODO PECUNIA TUA SALVATA SIT" ("How your money may be saved") will give financial advice to the faithful.

Cardinal Marx

"You are in my power." Reinhard Marx with his hypnotism act.

One thing that will not change is the papal habit of insulting people. Pope Francis is well known for this, and Pope Piers will maintain the tradition. However, it is feared that the new papal vocabulary will not match the subtleties of expressions such as "self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagian", and be more of the nature of playground insults such as "idiot". A pity, really.

Cardinal Levada

"Not like that, like that!" William Levada does his Tommy Cooper impersonation.


  1. Did St Malachy not predict general disaster during the reign of "Petrus Morganus"? I'll get my umbrella.

  2. He is not de pop. Only I is de pop.

  3. Loved the pic of Walter Kasper "Singing In The Reign".

    He who laughs last, laughs longingly longest, lovingly, languidly, and limply.

  4. I would ask a little leeway for Mr Morgan as he has been under considerable piers pressure from his piers group in Wigan, Blackpool, the silly Mare in Weston and an old flame in Brighton. Thank you.

  5. Cardinal Marx does not need to hypnotize anyone, he speaks plainly.