This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 1 August 2015

Cecil the Lion to be canonized

The death of Cecil the Lion ("the most popular African since Nelson Mandela") has hit the world hard, and both David Cameron and Barack Obama have spoken out about his martyrdom at the hands of "Jihad Walter" the crazed assassin of DENTIS.


Floral tributes in memory of "the people's lion".

Even Elton John has been moved by the tragedy, and is hastily scripting the lyrics of a new song, "Cecil in the Wind".

Accordingly, Pope Francis has agreed to fast-track the canonization of Cecil, so that it may offically be recognised that he has taken his place in Heaven, and is lying down with the lamb, as (almost) predicted in the Bible - you may look up Isaiah 11:6 for the correct prophecy.

Pope St Leo I

Pope St Leo the Great

Lions have always been considered holy in the Catholic Church, and thirteen popes have been called Leo, starting with Pope St Leo I, who was canonized - he's the one who met Attila the Hun and persuaded him not to sack Rome. However, this is the first time that a lion has been proposed for canonization (it is said that one of the medieval popes canonized a hedgehog called Doris, but this is not completely authenticated).

Since his death Cecil has appeared in visions to several people, delivering an announcement from on high. Witnesses say that he uttered the sacred words "GRRR! GRRR!" So far this is message is not fully understood, and its interpretation may keep theologians busy for many years. Finally, it is expected that Cecil will become a patron saint of dentists, hygienists, anaesthetists and dental receptionists.

Lenny the Lion

A young priest preaches at a requiem mass in memory of Cecil.


  1. Oh dear. This is deja vu all over again for a poor misunderstood witch-queen-empress of Narnia.

  2. Dear Eccles,

    I am worried. You say that Cecil is "the most popular African since Nelson Mandela".

    Do the BBC know this ???

    Plus, you say that " . . . thirteen Popes have been called Leo, starting with Pope St Leo I . . ."

    Who were the others ?

  3. I should really have said "most popular *and saintly* African..."

    No idea about the other lion popes. I think number 1 was the mane one.

    1. I wonder if Roarate Caeli will be doing a piece on this?

  4. News just in:

    The final words issued by the dentist before he took the fatal shot were


  5. Such a sad tale. But I guess the zebras don't see it in black and white.

  6. BREAKING NEWS!!! Dentists are sadists - I knew that. Let the patients out into the jungle and if they catch you, they can do that root canal. I see a whole new business here. Celebrities, jungle, tranquilising darts, pain. All the fun of the fair! Anyway, Christians 1 Lions 0 - took a long time coming but we still lose on aggregate.

  7. The Vatican wants Cecil's Beastification first.

  8. You may all jest ... but I learnt something here today: If you stuff a dead lion into a canon and fire it at a dentist, he's canonised. 'ee by gum gun.'

    I think this distance learning is working, thank you OU

  9. Why aren't politicians luvvies and library's parading around with placards saying Je suis Cecil! Of course in French this could mean that they were claiming to be an eyelash, (Je suis ce cil) but this sort of thing didn't stop them announcing to the world that they were proper Charlies a few weeks ago.