Vincent Nichols spells it out

From: bigcheese@rcdow.org.uk
To: serfs@rcdow.org.uk

Dear Priests of the Archdiocese of Westminster,

You have probably read in the Tablet about a misguided statement from Cardinal Sarah, Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship, suggesting that some priests might like to consider the possibility, perhaps, if it not too much trouble, and nobody minds, of maybe going so far as celebrating some Masses ad orientem.

For those of you under the age of 60 who won't have learnt any Latin, this is the Language of Satan's way of saying "with your back turned rudely towards the congregation, making it hard for them to take selfies with you during Mass".

I'm so glad to see the back of Cardinal Sarah.

Now I wouldn't go as far as my mentor, Cardinal Kasper, who said "Blimey! Those fuzzy-wuzzy priests are getting a bit above themselves, aren't they?" but it is clear to me that my own opinions - those of a cardinal who is, dare I say it, papabile - must outweigh any ideas put forward by some jumped-up chap from the CDW who has clearly never thought about the issue.

May I remind you all that the General Instruction of the Roman Missal - which has come down to us unchanged from the days of Moses - explicitly says that the altar should be pulled back from the wall so that the cleaners can easily dust it, and this means NO FACING EAST OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL.

On rare occasions, facing East is unavoidable.

May I also emphasise that the celebration of the Church’s Liturgy is not a place in which priests are to exercise personal preference or taste - it is MY personal preference and taste that should be your guide in all things, even when people from the CDW say otherwise. I've even got the Pope on my side - well, I've got Lombardi and Rosica, and the Holy Father always backs up what they say, if he doesn't want to find caterpillars in his bed.

So I'm sure you'll all agree that, as your ordinary - and I have always tried to be as ordinary as possible - all matters of liturgy, doctrine, morals, and choice of football team to support are my decision and mine only. So belt up, the lot of you.

And my fan club, the Mini Vinnies, agrees with me!

Pope Francis gives advice in an aeroplane

Knowing that Pope Francis regards aeroplanes mainly as places in which to impart new teaching, his press officer, Federico Lombardi, has negotiated for him the duty of doing the airline safety briefings. Nothing can go wrong, can it?

"Please give this encyclical your full attention."

Francis: Now, all you modern gnostics need to be restrained. Will you please BELT UP?

Lombardi: The Holy Father is asking you to fasten your seat belts, please.

F: There are six exits in this plane, plus an additional door of mercy leading into the pilots' cabin. In an emergency, you must go through the door of mercy.

L: This is not an ex cathedra change of doctrine, since the Holy Father is standing up, not sitting in his seat. His instructions may be interpreted as saying that you should leave by the usual exits.

Captain Dolan maintains that everything is under control.

F: If the oxygen supply fails, condoms will drop down...

L: ... oxygen masks...

F: Place the mask over your ear, unless you are the sort of rosary-counting museum mummy who insists on putting it over the mouth and nose!

L: This is fully in accordance with the teaching of Pope Paul VI. I can't actually find a reference for it, but I'm sure he said something rather like it.

"Should a pope sit quietly, or stand up and embarrass people?"

F: In the event of landing on water, please stay in the plane and drown. Unless you are a Christian hypocrite only interested in formalities, when you may find a life-jacket under your seat.

L: Pull the red tag to inflate it.

F: NO! That is the sign of a watered-down faith, and a weak-hoped Christian!

L: What do the light and whistle do?

F: They are there to attract attention. Alternatively, just put on a sombrero and say the first "doctrine" that comes into your head. It works for me!

L: Well, you got that right.

Do not inflate the sombrero before leaving the plane!

F: I'm a great fan of Emma Bonino, you know.

L: Yes, well that's all we've got time for. Enjoy your flight.

Catholic Church to celebrate the Black Death

It has been decided that, following the celebrations in 2017 of the anniversary of the Reformation (with its mass-slaughter on both sides, the destruction of the monasteries, etc.), it would be similarly appropriate in 2023 for the Catholic Church to celebrate the 675th anniversary of the Black Death.

Federico Lombardi explains

"It used to be thought that the death of 100 million people was nothing but one of the worst tragedies of European history," said Fr Federico Lombardi of the Holy See Press Office, "but nowadays we can look back and see the positive aspects of this period of history. Many people were brought to God rather sooner than they expected, and industrialization came to a halt, protecting the Middle Ages from the worst aspects of climate change."

It is thought that Pope Francis is anxious to reach out to the rodent community - although he will not celebrate the Rodentine Mass - since he appreciates that, although rats are widely blamed for bringing the Black Death to Europe, they too suffered many grievous losses. "The Holy Father has a great fondness for funny little creatures with whiskers," explained Fr Lombardi.

Funny little creatures with whiskers are welcome!

Apart from holding ecumenical human-rodent Masses, using specially blessed cheese, it is not clear what else is planned for the Year of Bubonic Inter-Species Reconciliation. Will Paul Inwood, the Pope's Official Composer, be asked to provide a suitable anthem, possibly "Alleluia Squeak-Squeak"? How will Robert Mickens, he who referred to Pope Benedict XVI as "the rat", react now that we are asked to love the little creatures? Watch this space for further details.

Ecumenical dialogue with a rat, or possibly a Siberian hamster.

Only cute pets can go to Heaven

As is usual nowadays, Fr Federico Lombardi has clarified the off-the-cuff remarks of Pope Francis that all God's creatures are saved. "What the Holy Father really said," he explained, "is that all cute animals are saved." The offer does not apply to the Hound of the Baskervilles, for example; and pit bull terriers will still end up in the pits of Hades.

Cute enough to be saved.

It was explained that, whereas Jesus died to save humans from their sins, animals as such do not have a great idea of the difference between Good and Evil, being in that respect something like Members of Parliament or Guardian-readers. For instance, how do you tell the difference between a good crocodile and a bad crocodile when it's biting your leg off? Moreover, it would be inconvenient to have crocodiles wandering round Heaven, even ones equipped with angels' wings.

An optimistic crocodile sings "Amazing Grace".

C.S. Lewis once said that a Heaven for mosquitoes could be combined with a Hell for humans. Nowadays, modern teaching has largely abolished the idea of Hell, and Good and Evil are replaced with Niceness - see the Niceone Creed for details. Nevertheless, being able to decide whether one is saved simply on the basis of one's Cuteness applies only to animals, and not to humans. For example, many of the saints were not at all cute.

John the Baptist - as un-cute as Russell Brand but still saved.

Fr Lombardi added that simply possessing a cute pet was not an automatic guarantee for salvation: the pet itself would have to abandon its owner in the afterlife. Cats, for example, will do this without any scruples.

Only one of these is saved. Can you work out which it is?

According to Biblical teaching, God has decided that sheep are saved, and goats are not; this does indeed follow the principle of "cuteness", as goats are not generally regarded as cute animals. Indeed it is hard to imagine Pope Francis trying to gain credibility by walking around with an unsaved goat round his neck. Q.E.D.

The Pope poses with a saved creature.