This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday 15 June 2017

How to be a Christian and a politician at the same time

Many readers have written to me along the following lines:

Dear Eccles, I have been selected as prospective Conservative/Labour/Liberal Democrat/Buckethead candidate for East Cheam (or it may be Walmington-on-Sea), but I am worried that my religious views will make it impossible for me to succeed. Strangely enough, I am one of those Christians who basically believe in God, Christ, Sin, Redemption, etc. Can you advise me?

This is tricky, but I will try and explain what you must do. Well, you could become a DUP MP, where religious principles are actively encouraged, but this may not be possible in an English region such as Much-Binding-in-the-Marsh. So another strategy is required.

Tim Farron

Tim Farron MP takes part in a charismatic service.

I also get letters from Muslims saying that they want to be Mayor of London but happen to believe in killing the infidels in order to end up with 72 virgins in Paradise. I explain to them that this is not a problem, as nobody will dare question them on the details of their faith. If they happen to take the Koran seriously then the BBC, Guardian, and other left-wing media will simply congratulate themselves on their tolerance of diversity.

So, how should the ambitious Christian proceed? Well, take someone like Theresa May or Michael Gove as your model. Support same-sex marriage, don't stick your neck out on pro-life issues, and remember that ONE DAY, PRACTISING CHRISTIANITY WILL BE ILLEGAL AGAIN, AND YOU WILL NEED TO MAKE A STRONG NOT-GUILTY PLEA.

Theresa May

"Only joking, folks!" Theresa May pretends to be a Christian.

Of course you will be asked by religious experts such as little Owen Jones of the Guardian, "But you're a Christian. Didn't God destroy Sodom and Gomorrah in the Bible? Doesn't that mean you want to burn all gays?" Or maybe "You're a Christian, aren't you? You don't like dismembering babies? What kind of monster are you, denying a woman's right to choose!"

Luckily, we have the modern Catholic Church as our model here. Fr James Martin LGBTSJ is our teacher on matters of homosexuality, and we now know from this great man that the rainbow brigade are above criticism, and should be allowed to do whatever they want, with whomever they want, whenever they want, without any comments being made. If you have not brought up your kid to be a transgendered gay activist with an interest in bondage and doing naughty things with geese (any Jesuit college can provide details) by the age of 8, then YOU ARE A BIGOT.

goose

Hey, I've just received an invitation from Fr James Martin!

Likewise, Pope Francis in his unparalleled wisdom has appointed "philosopher" Nigel Biggar - who doesn't think that babies are human - to the Pontifical Academy for Life. (Sorry, this is often a satirical blog, but that appears to be a FACT.) The remaining members of the PAL are not yet finalized, but we expect that Peter Sutcliffe the Yorkshire Ripper and Gerry Adams of the IRA will become influential members.

Psycho

"Help! It's someone from the Pontifical Academy for Life!"

Which brings us neatly back to politics. Good luck with your career, and, if you are asked about your beliefs, give a light laugh and say "Oh, we don't worry too much about moral issues in the modern church!" It's the only way you'll succeed.

11 comments:

  1. NB I am currently inundated with spam comments from anonymous unsaved pussons, and these have to be blocked. To stop this, I am only allowing people with Google accounts to post comments. Sorry.

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    1. When you're meeting flak, you know you're over the target.

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  2. He wasn't forced to stand down because he was a Christian but because of his bigotry. There should be no place in politics for intolerant bigots like Tim Farron.

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    1. I hope this is your impersonation of an intolerant bigot. If so, it is a very accurate one.

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  3. Charismatic mimes are an under-represented demographic.

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  4. This is the best blog ever. Official.

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  5. Bertrand Fellow, are you for real? Is that tongue in cheek - I trust it is as you come across as a stereotype of the secular PC left.

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  6. Question:
    If one does believe in God, does one have to believe that 'God knows best' on every issue?
    Clearly God knows a lot and created just about everything but that was an awfully long time ago. Things have evolved since God first created them and, clearly, Gods is kind of 'out-of-touch' with his creation.
    So the question devolves down to; If one has good and reasonable grounds (such as having a really good feeling, or really strong feeling, about doing something) to disagree with God's old and antiquated teachings, may one stray from the paath in order to stay on the path. SAfter all, I'm sure God wants us all to be going somewhere.

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    1. Feeeeeelllliiinnnggss! Whoa...whoa...whoooaaa....feeeeellliiinnnggss!!!...
      As Barry Manilow might sing it... ;)

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  7. The Pontifical Academy for 'Life' seems to have been devolved to the Ministry of Truth.

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  8. You've been out satire by reality; that's hilarious Bruv! A Canon of Wolsey's Christ Church cathedral no less ( and no I didn't make that up!)

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