How to be a Christian and a politician at the same time

Many readers have written to me along the following lines:

Dear Eccles, I have been selected as prospective Conservative/Labour/Liberal Democrat/Buckethead candidate for East Cheam (or it may be Walmington-on-Sea), but I am worried that my religious views will make it impossible for me to succeed. Strangely enough, I am one of those Christians who basically believe in God, Christ, Sin, Redemption, etc. Can you advise me?

This is tricky, but I will try and explain what you must do. Well, you could become a DUP MP, where religious principles are actively encouraged, but this may not be possible in an English region such as Much-Binding-in-the-Marsh. So another strategy is required.

Tim Farron MP takes part in a charismatic service.

I also get letters from Muslims saying that they want to be Mayor of London but happen to believe in killing the infidels in order to end up with 72 virgins in Paradise. I explain to them that this is not a problem, as nobody will dare question them on the details of their faith. If they happen to take the Koran seriously then the BBC, Guardian, and other left-wing media will simply congratulate themselves on their tolerance of diversity.

So, how should the ambitious Christian proceed? Well, take someone like Theresa May or Michael Gove as your model. Support same-sex marriage, don't stick your neck out on pro-life issues, and remember that ONE DAY, PRACTISING CHRISTIANITY WILL BE ILLEGAL AGAIN, AND YOU WILL NEED TO MAKE A STRONG NOT-GUILTY PLEA.

"Only joking, folks!" Theresa May pretends to be a Christian.

Of course you will be asked by religious experts such as little Owen Jones of the Guardian, "But you're a Christian. Didn't God destroy Sodom and Gomorrah in the Bible? Doesn't that mean you want to burn all gays?" Or maybe "You're a Christian, aren't you? You don't like dismembering babies? What kind of monster are you, denying a woman's right to choose!"

Luckily, we have the modern Catholic Church as our model here. Fr James Martin LGBTSJ is our teacher on matters of homosexuality, and we now know from this great man that the rainbow brigade are above criticism, and should be allowed to do whatever they want, with whomever they want, whenever they want, without any comments being made. If you have not brought up your kid to be a transgendered gay activist with an interest in bondage and doing naughty things with geese (any Jesuit college can provide details) by the age of 8, then YOU ARE A BIGOT.

Hey, I've just received an invitation from Fr James Martin!

Likewise, Pope Francis in his unparalleled wisdom has appointed "philosopher" Nigel Biggar - who doesn't think that babies are human - to the Pontifical Academy for Life. (Sorry, this is often a satirical blog, but that appears to be a FACT.) The remaining members of the PAL are not yet finalized, but we expect that Peter Sutcliffe the Yorkshire Ripper and Gerry Adams of the IRA will become influential members.

"Help! It's someone from the Pontifical Academy for Life!"

Which brings us neatly back to politics. Good luck with your career, and, if you are asked about your beliefs, give a light laugh and say "Oh, we don't worry too much about moral issues in the modern church!" It's the only way you'll succeed.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 10

Continued from Chapter 9

1. So Maysis took the advice of the prophets Comres, Mori and Yougov, and called an election, that she might defeat Jeremiah of the Corbynites and finally lead the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt.

Maysis seeketh advice from the Lord of Bucket-head.

2. For her counsellors had spoken unto her, saying, "Thou art a ghastly old trout, but surely Jeremiah is even worse?"

3. "For he hath friends among such as Gerald of the Adamites, who slay the widow and the orphan; not to mention many other Terrorites."

4. "Go forth and win. Thou canst not do worse than Cam-aaron, he who is now gone to a better place. Or at least, one that pays better."

Jeremiah goeth out to meet the Maronites.

5. So Maysis wrote an epistle, that is called Manifesto, in which she promised to be Strong and Stable.

6. Although she later changed her mind, especially when she sought to raise taxes upon the old and demented,

7. And Jeremiah wrote his own epistle, in which he promised wondrous gifts to the Many and not the Few.

8. At which the Few were exceeding wrathful, as they would have to pay for them, if anyone ever did.

9. Moreover, Jeremiah was aided by an abbot called Diane, known for her skill with numbers, who explained that she would appoint seventy-six million policemen to protect the children of Bri-tain.

10. That is, everyone in Bri-tain would henceforth be a policeman, and Diane would import a few million more from the land of I-sis to make up the numbers.

And the people of Bri-tain spake, saying, "Ave, ave, ave, what is all this, then?"

11. We need not speak long of other famous men, such as Farron of the Libdemites, he who abandoned his faith on learning that that following the Lord's commandments was a vote-loser.

12. Nor on the fate of the Ukipites, who had spoken for many years saying "We must leave EU-gypt."

13. For the reply came, "Yes, the 50th article is already triggered, and now all we need to know is, who shall go forth to drink the Pharaoh Juncker under the table?"

There cometh the only man who can drink more than Juncker.

14. At last the big day came, and the children of Bri-tain voted, saying "Alas, we hate the lot of you."

15. So Maysis, she who was hated slightly less than Jeremiah, remained as the leader.

16. But she spake sweet words unto the Dupites of Ire-land, saying, "Cleave unto me, for surely ye must hate Jeremiah and his Terrorite friends." And it was so.

17. And all the Corbynites spake out with one voice. saying, "But the Dupites hate Catholics!" And the reply came back, "Well, so do you!"

A Dupite banner (on loan from Cardinal Burke).

18. And the Corbynites spake out again, saying, "Yet the Dupites love not the marriage that is gay!" And the reply came back, "Neither do thy friends the Muslimites!"

19. At this the Corbynites despaired, saying, "The people have spoken, but they have not yet demonstrated in the streets, so the result is invalid."

20. And still the clock ticked on, towards the day when May-sis must send people forth to drink with Juncker.

Continued in Chapter 11.

Reversing "Resurrexit"

Note for foreign readers: Tim Farron is the leader of the Liberal Democrats, the party of Gladstone, Lloyd George, etc., which has now fallen on hard times. Officially an Evangelical Christian (Anglican), Tim found that his orthodox views on same-sex marriage and abortion offended the secular consensus that dominates the UK, and so, when asked, he dropped them. Now read on - or don't, of course.

Tim Farron, widely tipped to be the next Prime Minister, gave a solemn promise today that he would reverse "Resurrexit", the historic event in the 1st century that redeemed mankind from the slavery of sin. "Of course I don't think that I can physically locate Jesus and push Him back into His tomb," he admitted, "but we never wanted a 'hard' Resurrexit, with Satan defeated and the powers of Hell put to flight. We expected 'business as usual', so I shall do all I can to reverse the consequences of that ill-advised decision."

Farron went on to explain that being an Anglican did not prevent him from having his own views on Good and Evil, and, frankly, Evil had a lot of points in its favour. "Christians accept that Satan exists, and we support the Right to Choose - to choose whether to back Satan's very attractive, and may I say, liberal, programme, or whether to go for the more authoritarian approach of bowing down to some unelected God."

Vote Farron!

The BBC, in particular, is very pleased to hear of Farron's change of heart, and his manifesto commitments to repeal the Ten Commandments ("Adultery is a long-standing Liberal tradition") and the Beatitudes ("'Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God'? This didn't go down well with our focus groups.") Said John Humbug, the Radio 4 presenter, "Old-fashioned teaching like this has no place in the modern BBC - which is what really matters - and Tim would have had no chance at all of winning if he'd stuck to his principles."

Since Prime Minister Theresa May (Anglican), Jeremy Corbyn (Marxist with a dash of Islam) and Nicola Sturgeon (Only Scots go to Heaven) are broadly in agreement with Tim Farron on moral issues, it appears that there are no votes to be won this time round by considering questions of Good and Evil.

"Tim Farron's not going to like this, My Lord."

Christian elected as party leader shock horror

The news that Tim Farron, an Anglican, has been elected as party leader of the Liberal Democrats has sent waves of horror through the media. Why couldn't they follow the lead of the deeply sensitive Labour party, which was seriously considering electing cuddly Jeremy Corbyn, a simple socialist with links to extremism and terrorism? No, the Lib Dems had decided to abandon all hopes of electoral success by going for a God-botherer, the sort of chap who believed in sky fairies and ideas invented by bronze-age goatherds (etc. etc. etc.) WAS THAT RIGHT? I MEAN, WAS THAT RIGHT?

Tim Farron... or a renegade Time Lord?

John Humphrys, doyen of the Today programme, is in no doubt that Farron should quit politics, and preferably hang himself. "These Christians, we know what they're like. They kneel down in churches, asking God for guidance, rather than simply getting it from the Guardian, as the rest of us do. They read the Bible - well, some of them do - as if it could possibly contain something relevant to modern life."

It was pointed out that David Cameron also describes himself as a Christian. "Yes, but he's the right sort of Christian. He doesn't let his religious beliefs affect his actions in the slightest. You wouldn't catch him letting his conscience get in the way of what was politically expedient."

Should atheists be allowed to deny God on Radio 4?

Then we mentioned to Mr Humphrys that his colleague Giles Fraser was also a Christian, in fact a professional "man in a dress" , alleged to have a spiritual life outside his metropolitan Guardianista activities. "Really? Are you sure of that? I would never have guessed. Why, he's a good BBC man. How can he possibly be a Christian?"

Over at Channel 4, the channel set up to promote sexual deviancy (in the days before we realised that the BBC was already doing this, even when not asked to), Cathy Newman took over the attack. "What do we know about Christians? (Thumbs through Channel 4 guide to religion.) Oh yes, they're obsessed by sex. Eh? What's wrong with that? Oh I see, they hate sex. If they had their way sex would be illegal. Obviously, Tim Farron is trying to make the human race die out by stopping us all from having sex. And most of all Christians hate homosexuals. Why do we never see Tim Farron on Gay Pride marches? Is he letting his beliefs influence his beliefs? Er, I mean... Anyway, we never had this trouble with the Satanic Fire-worshipper who was on last week."

Cathy Newman rejects the ideals of her kinsman John Henry Newman.

Tim Farron remains defiant. "I'm only an Anglican," he retorted. "It's not as if I had really controversial beliefs, like the Catholics! But I'm thinking of becoming a Muslim. That way the BBC and Channel 4 won't dare to criticise my faith."