This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 20 January 2018

Pope Francis goes into orbit

It has long been realised that Pope Francis is a little bored with Planet Earth, and does most of his good work (e.g. developing new Catholic doctrine, weddings, funerals, mass-ordination of journalists to the priesthood, etc.) while flying in the PopeJet. The fact that he is 35,000 feet above most of his flock gives him a "buzz" as well as an air of authority.

The time has now come for him to leave terra firma entirely. The first plan was for him to fly round the world for ever in the PopeJet, but this would require regular in-flight refuelling. So the only reasonable answer is for Pope Francis to be the first Pope in Space!

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife - whoever you are!"

There has been much talk about making space travel available to all - well, to all who can afford it - mainly from Richard Branson, who hasn't even managed to make train travel available to all. The Catholic Church is anxious to cash in on the Virgin brand, for obvious reasons, and the Pope has agreed to perform "the sacrament of your choice" for anyone who turns up at the PopeStation.

The papal flight to Chile was very productive, for, in addition to marrying/blessing the marriage of/regularizing the marriage of* Chief Trolley Commander Carlos Ciuffardi Elorriaga and Deputy Lifejacket Demonstrator Paola Podest Ruiz, who had spent 8 years vainly looking for a church, the Pope also conducted the funeral of a passenger who had died, or at least wasn't at all well, before shooting his body out over the Andes.

*Depending on which account you read.

Incidentally, it is said that the reason the Pope signalled out C.T.C. Elorriaga for a wedding was that this was the first heterosexual male flight attendant that the Holy Father had ever encountered.

An army of deacons stands by to assist Pope Francis.

Meanwhile, old-fashioned earthbound priests are now encouraged to close their churches and invest in private aeroplanes, especially since there is now a huge demand from Catholics for "stunt" weddings. For a small fee, your priest will even agree to make a parachute jump with you, while performing the marriage service.

Anyway, this whole saga has re-established Pope Francis as "the man at the top", and nobody has mentioned Lilianne Ploumen for at least two days. Which was probably the whole point of the exercise.

"Remember, in Space nobody can hear you scream. Which is a good thing..."

11 comments:

  1. This is good news. We no longer need to enroll and go through long boring months or years of Religious Education classes, Confirmation classes, RCIA classes or Marriage Preparation classes and we wouldn't have to prepare for all those Sacramental Masses or spend money on proper clothes for these events.

    Instead we'll be able to save our money for a vacation in Rome where the Pope will confer the all Sacraments on us at one time from his Pope Mobile while passing by in St Peter's Square. You're Confirmed. You're married. You're now a member of the Catholic Church. I absolve you from your sins.

    It would save a lot of time and energy on the part of the laity and free up many hours for parish priests who already are overburdened with frivolous duties. Plus we'd be fulfilling our religious duty by making our once in a lifetime Haj to Rome to adore the Pope.

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  2. There is, likely, nothing between Jorge's ears. Only space.

    He lacks an accurate moral compass. Clearly the grey matter is either gone or there are few or no synapses still firing!

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    Replies
    1. Surely in space a compass goes completely haywire?

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  3. When I was at primary school I used to have a huge crush on Deacon Virgil Tracy (oh swoon, he's even got his own Wikipedia page). If I could be blasted up into space with The Man At The Top and The Gorgeous Virgil is there a sporting chance (husband notwithstanding) that Virg and I could end up hitched?

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  4. This is a celestial Martian who is just waiting to be
    (< >) SAVED & guess who might be the 1st one to do it?
    L
    \_/

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  5. Muv, I hate to be the one to break this to you but you fell in love with a bit of wood. Not ‘wooden’ as in Lee Majors, I mean actual wood. And if the Holy Father had ever managed to fix it for you to get hitched to Virgil, I’m afraid all you’d have got was splinters. Personally, I thought you’d have gone for Daryl Hall lookalike pretty-boy Gordon. Mind you, he was probably gay anyway – but they couldn’t say that in 1965. No doubt he privately led an alternative lifestyle and as a result contracted a fatal case of Dutch Elm Disease.

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    1. What, Gordon??!! Let me tell you, Mr. Comburendo, I'm a One Puppet Girl. Haven't you even read Amoris Puppitiae? I have had years wrestling with my conscience, but after reading footnote 496 in AP and realising I can have both my man and a puppet, I have signed up for astronaut training. You might think this is all about wood, but believe me, this is a concrete situation.

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    2. I stand corrected. I hadn't heard of Amoris Puppitiae. Or perhaps I heard the words "Pope Francis" and "puppet" and assumed it was a reference to Austen Ivereigh and Beans Faggioli. Anyway, enough with the Virgil thing, already. He'll just string you along.

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  6. This popular song published in 1909 can with some small modifications be used to celebrated PF's latest initiative.

    "Take me up, up, up with you dearie away into the sky
    Sail around the moon for a quiet spoon just Bergolio you and I
    Let us float, float, float together and just have a lot of fun
    We’ll go up up, up as two and then come down as one".

    See Take me up,up with you dearie

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  7. Surely the pope performed a miracle by finding a wedding couple who were straight!

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  8. LOL!!! Eccles!! Quit already, my sides are hurting from laughing!!! Funniest thing I've read in quite a while.

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