This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday 15 January 2018

A retirement plan for the Pope

Vatican memorandum - confidential.

In view of the Pope's increasingly bizarre behaviour - for many people the award of the title of Commander in the Pontifical Equestrian Order of St Gregory the Great to the blood-drenched abortion-campaigner Lilianne Ploumen was a final sign that he had flipped his lid - we are putting together an attractive retirement package for the Holy Father.

Pope and Ploumen

"Just the Ploumen's lunch for me, please."

Whereas Pope Benedict XVI has used his retirement to concentrate on praying, studying, and beer-drinking, these activities do not appeal to his successor, and we have had to find other ways of keeping him occupied.

One apartment in Francis's retirement home has been furnished as an aeroplane cabin, and - since he is not significantly more modest than Donald Trump - we have branded it as Air Francis. It is expected that the ex-Holy Father, or do we mean Holy ex-Father, will spend hours wandering round this, inventing new Catholic doctrine. Some actors will be hired to sit around all day listening to him, and they are encouraged to clap whenever another piece of the New Testament goes into the dustbin.

Airplane

"The situation's serious. Pope Francis has woken up."

Apart fom this, we are a little short of ideas. What exactly does the Pope do when he's not talking? We could arrange some video games for him, I suppose; Vatican chain-saw massacre, is a good one, in which you have to dismember as many cardinals as possible. Extra points if they are wearing a cappa magna or saying Mass in Latin. We think this game should keep our client amused for hours.

We have arranged for another room, labelled simply Jesuit meeting room, where Francis can have parties with Spadaro, Martin, Sosa, and the rest of the gang. The Freemasons are kindly helping us with the decor.

Spadaro and Boff

"Now you're no longer Pope we can paint the Vatican red!"

We should perhaps provide the retired pope with a small study and a laptop with which he can write his final messages to mankind. Admittedly Francis's publication list so far is a little variable in quality: from his time as a research chemist we have his thesis Why cyanide is perfectly safe, and from his time as a bishop in Argentina a small biography Austen Ivereigh - the Great Performer; also, more recently, the work we're not allowed to mention, although its initials are AL.

Francis is already preparing his magnum opus Why I was right and all previous popes were wrong, although we understand that he currently has writer's block, and hasn't got much beyond "BECAUSE I SAY SO"; still, he'll probably be with us for another 20 years or so, and we think he may be able to expand on this a little.

Finally, if anyone has any further ideas for keeping Francis occupied, then the new pope, Cardinal Blase Cupich, Pope Francis II, will be glad to hear them!

12 comments:

  1. Please God, let Cardinal Robert Sarah be the next Pope. Dear Eccles, The Lord has truly blessed you with a gift of taking a pants situation and giving us all a much needed laugh.

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  2. I see a possible bubble here. The surprised looking lady looking out from the kitchen door was certainly saying 'Let me know when they finish dancing so that we can serve the foie-gras'.

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    1. I thought she might be one of Colonna's moles; that guy in the suit the first picture too. What a hellish, scary place to work.

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  3. Retirement? RETIREMENT? to retire first you gotta WORK!

    when did Pope Francis LEAD the Church? You know, like being vicar of that Jesus guy? "Go and sin no more"? He TALKS about it, then takes his pen and awards random people with random rewards/punishments. I can do that. I can talk about engineering and then make stuff with play-doh (which incidentally will end up sturdier than Francis' "je suis le église" doctrine). So, where's my engineer retirement fund, huh?

    IT DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT.

    I mean, it does exactly work like that if you are a politician in Italy and get the retirement plan after one year, but he lives, well, hides, in Vatican City. Did somebody tell him? are we gonna have a nervous breakdown as soon as he goes to the guys in accounting? Is he going to run for a seat in Italian parliament, with the rightful guy, who got elected to get some immunity from some already committed crime, telling him HEY THAT'S MY SEAT? prepare for the worst, I say.

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  4. Where does the photo come from? It looks as though it was some big party or reception where the Pope is guest of honour. Do waitresses with white gloves give a clue?

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  5. Perhaps he would like a kitchen and unlimited supplies of swedes and vinegar so he can make the pickle to accompany the ploumen's lunch.

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  6. Eccles, your last line was truly scary! But I suppose we'd better be prepared for the worst of the worse.

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    1. Agreed. Truly scary. Hope that God would intervene in a big way to prevent that horror from happening.

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    2. I pray God publicly rebuke them everyone, the ignorant, the malicious, and the cowardly who allow Almighty God, the Blessed Mother, and the Doctrine of the Holy Catholic Church to be mocked, manipulated, warped, and distorted in such a manner as to substitute man for God.

      I pray they be rebuked not that they perish in Hell, but that in rebuking them, God grant them the opportunity to be saved.

      Hebrews 12:6 "For whom the Lord loveth, he chastiseth; and he scourgeth every son whom he receiveth...."

      Revelation 3:19 "Such as I love, I rebuke and chastise. Be zealous therefore, and do penance...."

      Gather your willing Cardinals, Bishops, and priests together, Bishop Schneider et. al., however few there be, and have a public Mass offered for that expression, as an act of Mercy. Offer the Mass on March 19, 2018, the Feast of St. Joseph the Protector of the Universal Church and the 5th anniversary of Francis' installation.

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  7. Oh, no! Please not give me the nightmare of the horrid dreadful Cardimum Blase Cupich as Pope Francis II!! SARAH FOR POPE INNIT!!

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  8. In retirement the great Benedict has not only prayer, writing. and beer but also Mozart and cats.

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