This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 11 May 2018

Catholic Church opens new college for lying politicians

Following the Government's decision to renege on its manifesto promise to lift the faith-based admissions cap on free schools, which has made it impossible for the Catholic Church to open new schools, it has been announced that the Church will nevertheless be opening a new college whose purpose is to to educate lying politicians in the difference between right and wrong.

"You may think it easy for a politician to know what is honest and decent conduct, and what is the self-serving action of a lying scumbag, as we bishops describe it," said Archbishop Malcolm McMahon, "but there is a clear need for education in this sector. If someone gets elected to public office having made certain promises, then he is certainly going to burn in Hell if he breaks the promises and attempts to remain in office. I am now going round to the Houses of Parliament to sing 'Liar, liar, pants on fire' to Damian Hinds, the Education Secretary, before formally excommunicating him and enrolling him in our new college."

Damian Hinds

Damian Hinds (loosely described as a "Catholic") on his way to the new college.

A special dispensation from Canon Law has been made allowing the new Damian Hinds College for Liars to open, so that more than 50% of the pupils can be non-Catholics. Since the first intake will consist entirely of MPs, there will be no shortage of eager pupils, both Catholic and non-Catholic, seeking instruction in the arcane skill known as "telling the truth for once".

As for Archbishop McMahon - since his pathetic performance over the Alfie Evans case, he has been taking iron tablets in the hope of growing a backbone. It seems that he may have taken too many.

Malcolm McMahon

Archbishop McMahon vows to "get smiting".


  1. How about Islamic schools? Can Muslims have new schools opened for Muslims only...because for certain an Islamic school would not agree to have more infidels than Muslims in their school. Or any infidels at all.

    Or is this just for Catholics? How about protestants? This sounds like sharia where in Islamic countries no new infidel churches are allowed to be built. Is this the UK's new sharia law against Catholics? It also sounds very Elizabethan.

    Whatever it is, it's anti-Catholic. The UK is terrified that it's children might be taught "Thou shalt not kill toddlers in a hospital."

  2. Good comment. Anti Catholicism is alive and well in the UK.There will no problem in filling the 50% non Catholic vacancies. The OFSTED statistics shows that Catholic schools have the highest academic results in the country. Yes, I too feel the spirit of the promiscuous, syphilitic serial murderer king (defender of the faith)at work here.

  3. Teach m the chorus of in My Liverpool home so' s to make out to rest of UK U R "ethnic catholic" and move on to your own agenda like the usa metooers distracting from a Scouse family called Stevens or evening or something ,so yesterday,
    (especially when we 're taking the bastinado to those lay Catholic lawyers and like who re the real culprits just like the prolifers in Ireland...

    ".../ religion was Catholic
    Occupation hard knocks
    At stealing from lorries we were adept and under old overcoats we allways slept:

    Might work if spun

  4. Move along nothing to see here

  5. What's His Grace (?) McMahon clutching -- some sort of stained-glass lozenge nicked from his cathedral's lantern? Or is it his supporters' stipend: the National Health super life-support lozenge? (Sent to Westminster, too)

  6. Please don't forget lotsa (Novus Ordo) Carflic Bishops are really just politicians -- utterly eligible for the new Skool. Their poor efforts at translating Missal texts into a form of English sufficiently elegant and sacral for the worship of Almighty God suggest they need some education in aesthetics, too.