Eccles explains it to the bishops

All right, in you come. Nichols and McMahon at the front please, you've been getting very bad marks lately. Your auxiliaries next to you. The rest anywhere. Moth! Keep away from that candle flame, you'll burn yourself. No laughing, Stock. Egan, you're a bright lad, but try and sit away from the bad bishops, as they're only trying to lead you astray.

The bishops are ready to learn.

Now, Pope Francis has asked me to explain some Catholic doctrine about children, the family, euthanasia, and so on. He was horrified that you seem to be so weak on Catholic teaching. Even Parolin was shocked.

Now, boys, what do we do when a child is seriously ill? Starve him to death, take him somewhere where he can be looked after, go to law to stop the parents having a say in what happens to him, ignore him completely? Any suggestions?

Smith, don't do that! Burns, stop scratching. Arnold, put that away!

All right, here's an easier one. Who is most likely to give love and care to a sick child? His parents, a judge with a strong anti-Catholic prejudice, a doctor who wants to withdraw food and drink?

Yes, these are difficult ethical issues, at least for a bishop with the intelligence of a goldfish.

Very offended at being mistaken for a Catholic bishop.

All right, Nichols, I know what you're going to say. The Holy Father is trying to seek political capital - pushing pro-life and family concerns onto the agenda - rather than curling up on the floor and letting Alder Hey tickle his tummy. Well, take it up with him.