This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 24 October 2020

How to scandalize the Catholic Church

Yes, it's another in our long-running series on "How to be a good pope," designed for those lucky readers who may one day have to decide whether to trade as Pius XIII, Benedict XVII, Francis II, or George-Ringo I.

Well, I say lucky. Some people are naturally suited to the position of pope, being holy, meek, pure in spirit, merciful, and an expert at dealing with cardinals who are dodgy financiers or drug-takers. Others, like yourself, got into the job by accident, when your flustered careers adviser ticked the box marked "PAPA" by mistake for "PORTERO" on the sheet of recommended jobs for you. You could have had a great life as a caretaker/janitor, sitting in the entrance to an office-block, smoking, reading the paper, and slapping intruders, but it was not to be. You ended up as Pope, and you only rarely get the chance to slap anyone.

Pope Francis

"I love you very much." Well, everyone except Burke, Schneider, Sarah, Viganò... and Donald Trump.

Anyway, you're stuck with the job, and you have certain beliefs that can't really be described as "Catholic": Marxism is great, give communion to anyone who wants it, being divorced and remarried is just fine, abortion is nothing to be bothered about, everyone will go to Heaven (or more likely nobody will as you don't believe in it), this Pachamama cult sounds like fun, ...

So what do you do? You speak out. Not ex cathedra, since if you tried that be sure that your throne would act as a divine ejector-seat and you would disappear, never to be seen again. No, you can give interviews to 108-year-old journalists known for making things up from memory, you can fraternize with Marxists and abortionists - after all Jesus also met sinners, and perhaps He too used to slap them on the back and say "You're doing a grand job, carry on!" You can write encyclicals and apostolic exhortations, and people will just nod wisely and say "It's OK, it's just the Pope's personal opinion" and tap their heads significantly. It's rather disappointing really, you were hoping to hit the headlines worldwide.

But one day you get to release a video on which you're talking about homosexual relationships and all Hell breaks loose (if you'll pardon the expression).

Metro headlines

At last! The publicity you've always wanted!

What's the problem with civil unions for homosexual couples, you wonder. One of your favourite Catholics, Joe Biden (who, like you, doesn't believe much of that Christianity stuff) actually "married" two men at his home in Delaware. Joe is a Good Catholic, but for you his main attraction is that he hates Donald Trump nearly as much as you do.

I forgot to mention that en route to becoming Pope you became a Jesuit: so you know the funny handshakes, and you were trained in the ancient Jesuit art of Mumbo Jumbo - saying things that can be intepreted in more than one way. Your friend and mentor Fr James Martin LGBTSJ gave you the Martin translation of the Bible. In it you found the following text, where all was made clear:

1. So Lot said, "O Lord, what can I do to stop you destroying the Cities of the Plain?"

2. And the Lord God answered, "Tell them to introduce a programme of civil partnerships in order to regularize their relationships."

3. And it was so.

The text goes on to say how Sodom and Gomorrah became known worldwide as a centre where gay couples could meet and practise Ignatian yoga.

ugly church loved by Jimbo

Modelled on one of the gay bath-houses in the Cities of the Plain.

How did you get into this situation? Well, curiously, it was all Parolin's fault. He came to you, saying, "You know that dodgy deal we've got with China, where they are allowed to appoint their own bishops and torture all the Catholics? Well, we're about to renew it. How can we bury the news?"

"Hold my Boese Lager, Pietro, I think I know how to grab a few headlines..."

The rest is history. The Pope changes Catholic teaching. Jesus, the apostles, doctors of the Church, and 265 previous popes got it all wrong. "Can priests get into civil unions now? Asking for a friend, you understand," says Fr Jim.

Oh dear, don't you wish you were a simple janitor?

And now Alexander Tschugguel demands clarity - the one thing you must never ask of a Jesuit!


  1. It's OK bruvver -- de Pop isn't really promoting pseudo- "marriage" for teh gayz, as he's far too busy promoting radical Marxism.

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  3. I could have sworn that the Bible says Jesus gave the Keys to the Kingdom to St Peter, not Judas. Could it be that Benedict XVI is still the pope after all?

  4. The Cruel Narcissism of the Treasonous Mind

    Lady Ann Smiley is a serial adulteress whose final betrayal was her affair with Bill Haydon, George Smiley’s colleague at British Intelligence. Bill Haydon is a KGB-run Circus mole, uncovered by the loyal Smiley’s quiet genius in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.

    Lady Ann: “Bill betrayed totally, didn’t he? Everything, everyone. Was he taking some kind of revenge?”

    George Smiley: “He must have talked to you quite a lot.”

    Lady Ann: “Should I have passed all that on to you? Pillow talk. Describe Bill.”

    George Smiley: “Yet another man trying to find a little place in history.”

    Lady Ann: “But George, Bill was standing at the center of some secret stage playing world against world. He had a wonderful time. He enjoyed himself. He loved being a traitor. I’m glad his life is over.”

    George Smiley: “Ann, did you love him?”

    Lady Ann: “No, George. Poor George. Life’s such a puzzle to you.”

  5. Benedict says he's no longer the Pope - but does he know?
    After all CAN a non-Catholic be Pope?

  6. 'Private Eye's' catchphrase, 'Is the Pope a Catholic?' takes on new relevance!

  7. Should that be 'Father James Martin gave you the Martian translation of the Bible'? That would explain a lot.

    1. The Maritain translation would explain even more!

  8. Francis must be the worst Pope for centuries. At least the dodgy medieval Popes were just corrupt, venal men - they weren't out to destroy the Catholic Church.
    I despair sometimes.

    1. Indeed so. Keep the Faith & your sense of Eccles' humor. All will resolve in God's good time.