Muddled Jorge gets provisional Vatican approval

The Vatican on Thursday issued a statement acknowledging that some spiritual fruits had come from the regular apparitions of Muddled Jorge, also known as Pope Francis.

A statue that could be anyone but is probably supposed to represent the Pope.

Although these apparitions have come under a lot of criticism, since some of the messages uttered are said to be in direct contradiction to Catholic teaching, the Vatican still felt able to issue a "Nihil Obstat" (or "See No Evil") to the cult of Muddled Jorge.

"The positive assessment that some of the messages of Muddled Jorge are edifying does not imply a declaration that they have a direct supernatural origin" said the note from the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith. Indeed, compared with some of the documents for which Dicastery Prefect Víctor Manuel Fernández is directly responsible, such as Fiducia supplicans (signed off by Pope Francis when he thought someone was simply asking for his autograph), many of the papal teachings have been completely orthodox.

This book is still waiting for a Nihil Obstat.

Thus, as a result of the Vatican's statement, pilgrimages to Rome will be allowed to continue, but no reponsibility will be borne for any teachings passed on to visitors.

The sin against synodality

Most readers are aware of the seven deadly sins - pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth - and some readers may even have committed some of them. Mea culpa - I am particularly guily of sloth, and have even tried to encourage others to commit that sin (if they can be bothered!)

A typical "sloth pride" march - nobody turned up.

But now Pope Francis has come up with a list of new sins, and the synodal participants will request forgiveness "in the name of all the baptized" for a rather confused list of things he doesn't like.

The most important of these sins is of course the "sin against synodality". So I went to my priest and made the following confession.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have not practised kenotic decentering, nor have I enlarged the space of my tent.

Pope Francis and Cardinal Cupich enlarge the space of their tent.

Worse, I do not breathe synodality into every component of academic theology, and I do not embrace the principle of circularity that animates the whole synodal process."

My priest interrupted. "Which aspect of 'PLACE' do you think is most important in shaping relationships within the Church? Are you an athlete and standard-bearer of synodality?"

I blushed, and continued:

"Er, synodality is essentially missionary, and, vice-versa, mission is always synodal. So I try to respect the protagonism of the Spirit as a new way of being Church."

But he was not fooled. The penance he gave me was a real killer: "GO AWAY AND SPEND THREE WEEKS SITTING AT A ROUND TABLE WITH AUSTEN IVEREIGH."

Mea culpa! Mea maxima culpa!

Hieronymus Bosch's depiction of souls in torment.

Eight hymns you don't want to sing

So we have reached the quarter-finals of the 2024 World Cup of Bad Hymns, and here are the remaining atrocities, with some useful descriptions.

Lord of the Dance (Sydney Carter)

The winner in 2018. Basically a load of semi-heretical nonsense from beginning to end. Most cringeworthy line is perhaps "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back," but the whole attempt to reduce Christ's ministry to a dance is sick-making.

FACT: It's hard to dance with anyone on your back.

Shine, Jesus, shine (Graham Kendrick)

Bronze medallist in 2018. This one contributed to my changing churches about 20 years ago. Many irritating lines such as "Shine on me, shine on me" and "Flow, river, flow". Sorry, I am still traumatized.

Let us build a house where love can dwell (All are welcome) (Marty Haugen)

One of the two works by Mr Haugen to reach the last eight. Not well known in the UK, as far as I can tell, but in the USA he deserves a restraining order to stop him writing anything more. This one goes on far too long without more than one idea in the whole piece.

Kumbayah (anon)

Fourth place in 2018. Let's face it, if you had written such tosh you would want to be anonymous too. "Someone's giggling Lord, Kumbayah". All right, I made that bit up.

You just know they're dying to sing "Kumbayah".

On eagle's wings (Michael Joncas)

Again, not known to me by experience. Wikipedia says that Joe Biden likes it, which suggests that it's more likely to be about ice-cream than God. As far as I can tell, it consists of some chunks of Psalm 91 set to a banal tune.

Here in this place new light is streaming (Gather us in) (Marty Haugen)

Haugen's second entry in the last eight, silver medallist in 2018. The cumulative effect of lines such as "We are the young, our lives are a mystery" (apparently there to provide a rhyme with "history" two lines later) must be enough to cause temporary insanity.

Come to the feast of Heaven and Earth (table of plenty) (Daniel Schutte)

If I'd had to choose one of the three pieces of Schutte in this contest, I'd have gone for "I, the Lord of sea and sky (here I am, Lord)", but this one is atrocious too. Can people sing words like "O come and eat without money; come to drink without price" without giggling?

Mary, did you know? (Mark Lowry)

On Twitter/X I see more tweets from people who hate this patronizing hymn than about any other song apart from the Satanists' anthem "Imagine". Yes, she did know, you great gibbon.

Some spiritual nourishment (there's not been any so far in this post).

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THE RESULTS AS THEY COME IN:

QUARTER-FINALS

Lord of the Dance 72.1 v Shine, Jesus, shine 27.9

All are welcome 62.3 v Kumbayah 37.7

On eagle's wings 41.6 v Gather us in 58.4

Table of plenty 28.7 v Mary, did you know? 71.3

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SEMI-FINALS

Lord of the Dance 44.3 v Gather us in 55.7

All are welcome 41.2 v Mary, did you know? 58.8

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF

Lord of the Dance 45.5 v All are welcome 54.5

BRONZE MEDAL for "All are Welcome".

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FINAL

Gather us in 47.2 v Mary, did you know? 52.8

GOLD for "Mary, did you know?" and SILVER for "Gather us in."

All roads lead to God

In Singapore, Pope Francis has explained to some children that all religions are paths to reach God. As a public service, we present some parts of his address that you may have missed:

'Atheism is another way to find God - in the same way as walking east round the world is a way to get to the west. Just because we are Catholics, it doesn't mean we can't be atheists too! Indeed, many of my best friends are atheists - it's the believers I can't stand.

Flat-earthism is a valid faith too, but be careful with that east/west metaphor!

Another religion that will lead you to god is the worship of Rupnik - that brilliant painter whose life and works are a model to us all. Sit down in a room with a Rupnik picture, and after an hour or two you will be ready for Heaven - or at least you'll wish to die.

Zaphod Beeblebrox, by Rupnik.

Then who can forget the true faith of Pachamama, the Earth Mother goddess? Austen Ivereigh adores her - I have known him to sit in a room with a Pachamama idol and, after an hour or two, to scream very loudly. Is he not imitating the cry of the Mother Earth Goddess? Truly, little Austen is on the path to God!

One path to God - the scenic route.

So, different faiths are like different languages, different dialects. After all, isn't saying "Allahu Akbar" or "Slay the Infidels" just as worthy as "Glory be to the Father" and MUCH better than "Gloria Patri"? Or, for that matter, Cardinal Rochelieu's favourite prayer, "More Tiramisu, Please", is also a way to find God - or at least, a delicious dessert!'

And yes, Prince Philip worship is genuine.

A Pastoral Letter from Bishop Arnold

I've read it so you don't have to - here is a shortened version of the original text.

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Dear Sisters and Brothers in Christ - also all Non-binary and Multigendered Kinspersons!

Today I am writing about three different but closely-related matters of fundamental Catholic teaching.

As our blessed Prime Minister, St Armer of Keir, has pointed out, all the murders, stabbings and other attacks that we have seen this summer are the fault of grumbles by far-right Conservative voters and very far-right Reform voters, and nothing to do with the people who actually committed the crimes, most of whom are peaceful healthcare workers.

It is important for us to stop these extremely far-right trouble-makers, and I take this opportunity of asking you to befriend your neighbours. Ask Mr Mohammed Ali Bayan down the road to come to Mass at my Cathedral - he won't find anything to upset his deeply-held religious beliefs!

Which brings me onto my second subject. Traditionally, September is the Season of Creation, and the Church has been concerned about issues such as the Climate Crisis ever since the 1st Century C.E. (not A.D.!) You only have to look out of the window to see that the weather is hotter colder wetter drier more average than ever before! Why, the plughole in my bath was blocked this morning, causing floods in my bathroom the like of which we have not seen since last week!

God - or at least St Greta - asks us to reduce our energy consumption, to install solar panels in our broom cupboards, to fit windmills under our beds, to recycle our food before eating it, and, above all, to pay more taxes!

The strain of saving the planet has taken its toll on Ms Thunberg.

Finally, connected with both our community building and our care for the environment - and of course with every other important part of Catholic teaching - is SYNODALITY. I have three key questions for you:

How can we persuade people that this is a real Copernican turning point of conciliar ecclesiology?

What would it look like to breathe synodality into each component of academic theology?

Which aspect of 'PLACE' do you think is most important in shaping relationships within the Church?

I must ask that you all participate in the final stages of the synod - by attending meetings, talking a lot, or at least trying to stay awake, and by saying the Diocesan prayer "Stay with us, Lord, in our synodal walking together."

Love and kisses (as Cardinal Tucho would say),

+ Johnny