Are you being radicalised?

After the startling revelation that Jihadi John's real name is Mohammed Emwazi - and not George Galloway after all - we must each ask ourselves "COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME"?

Little Mo. Bad breath, not potty-trained until he was 15, ugly, but otherwise normal.

Little Mo was, by all accounts, a saintly boy who hardly ever pulled the wings off butterflies or stuck pins in frogs. However, all the other kids mocked him, and so it was natural for him to grow up to be a serial killer and sadist. Still, some say that his personality changed when he ran into a goal post - a clear sign that football can be a radicalising influence.

We have this tribute to Little Mo on the authority of CAGE, one of the few apologists for terrorists to have charitable status. As Lord Carlile so profoundly puts it, CAGE needs to make clear they reject murder. Apparently, this is something the Charity Commission insists on (except, arguably, in the case of the BPAS). Even the National Trust has decommissioned all its weapons of mass destruction.

CAGE fighting is not as glamorous as you might think.

So if CAGE could give us 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence, it would be much appreciated. Permanent silence would be even better.

Now, are YOU being radicalised? Did your mother tell you to tidy your bedroom when you were a child? Did the girl/boy/camel you invited out to the pictures tell you that you were a boring toad smelling of urine? Did the bus-driver refuse to stop when he saw you? Did it rain yesterday? Do you think that Britain's foreign policy is a disaster (actually, this is a perfectly normal point of view)?

The Satanic State's Jihad Johnnie models a burka (don't ask why).

These are all danger signs. Are you thinking of changing your name to Crusading Chris, Fighting Freda, Warring Wally, or Holy Smoke Moly? (Of course you won't use the name Mohammed, as nobody will take you seriously.) Have you been looking up Ryanair flights to the Levant (nearest airport Beirut, then hitch a lift)?

Of course, this post is mainly addressed to our younger readers, especially the more stupid of them, but the "call" can come at any age. Even 80-year-old ladies have a role to play in the Satanic State, if they are vicious and sadistic enough. After all, murdering hostages doesn't require much skill or strength.

Hell's Grannies - Teresa, Michelle, Joan and Erica - head for the Middle East.

Now, if you feel you are being radicalised (what we used to call "p*ssed off with life"), we urge you to take it gently. Start by campaigning for a party that wants to turn Britain upside-down, such as the Greens, or Respect, or the Monster Raving Loonies. If this doesn't satisfy your radical ambitions, you could try studying the works of great thinkers such as Russell Brand, or Giles Fraser. Nothing too aggressive. Got that? Great.

Justice for Tina - the fight goes on

We are shocked to read in the Tablet that Professor Tina Beattie, the "Catholic" "theologian" has been banned by Archbishop Leo Cushley of St Andrews and Edinburgh from speaking on Church property in his diocese. This blog has long been a supporter of "lovely Tina", without controversially going so far as to describe her as either Catholic or a theologian, and it is time to revive the Justice for Tina! campaign.

Theology? An ology? She gets an ology and she thinks she's failed?

Of course St Paul notoriously wrote "Women keep silent in church" (1 Corinthians 14:34), but modern theological scholarship has concluded that this was probably an over-reaction after the day he took his Auntie Moly to church with him and she kept up a constant commentary of "Woeful!" Archbishop Leo's interdiction - according to the Tablet - is even fiercer, and dear Tina will not even be able to speak on church property. So even a "good morning, bruvver Eccles" will be a hanging offence if she says it while standing in the church car park.

Archbishop Cushing.

Leo Cushley was apparently acting on instructions from the Inquisition (now known as the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith), and this is evidence that even in Rome the writings of dear Tina are scutinised for heresy. Tina, as a close friend of yours, may I give you some advice? If one day you are lecturing in Roehampton and you find Cardinal Gerhard Müller sitting in the audience, BE VERY AFRAID. Drop your plans to explain how abortion and same-sex marriage are key Catholic doctrines, forget any possibility of comparing the Mass to an act of homosexual intercourse: go for something uncontroversial, like the parable of the sower and the seed, while keeping off rude jokes about seed.

The campaign goes on.

To be banned once (Clifton), Tina, may be a misfortune; to be banned twice (San Diego also), looks like carelessness. To be banned three times (Edinburgh) looks very much as though someone thinks you've been misbehaving. But we're not going to take this lying down, are we, Tina? Forget the massacres of IS/ISIS/ISIL/SS (Satanic State)! Forget the fact that Cardinal Kasper was cornered by 20 cardinals led by George Pell, and had his head pushed down the Vatican toilets! Forget the fact that the Catholic Church in Scotland is now run by the SNP! No, the burning issue today is JUSTICE FOR TINA! Write to the Pope now! Write to Gerhard Müller! Write to the Tablet! Write to the Beano!

45% of Scots said that Tina was welcome to lecture in their homes!