Fr James Martin answers your questions

Dear Fr Martin. I understand that you are a Bridge expert?

Jim: Yes, my son!

In his new book Fr Jim argues that the LGBT Church must accept Catholics.

Well, answer me this then. The bidding at a game in my seminary went as follows:

North-South vulnerable, East-West predatory.
2 Hearts
I'd like to make a pass.
Game?
I am if you are.

West has no honour, so how should he bid?

Playing the Jesuit convention: make up the rules as you go along.

Jim: NO TRUMP! NO TRUMP! NO TRUMP! Oh how we hate him!

I have a very simple question, Fr Jim. Is there anything at all that you consider sinful?

Actually, sin is never mentioned in the Bible, so who am I to say that anything is wrong? Still, I do get cross when Fr Thomas Reese steals the last fairy cake, or whenever someone calls me a heretic. Don't they realise that I am now a very important adviser to Pope Francis?

THE GAY BRIDGE DISASTER

Beautiful Bridge so proudly gay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That thousands of souls have been led astray
By that wretched book on building a bridge,
The Catholic way, including, er, um, bondage.

William McGonagall SJ.

Let's forget all this bridge nonsense for a moment, Fr Jim. Could you explain again your theory that Mary Magdalene was the first bishop? It always brings me out in giggles...

The Scottish bishops disaster

By William McGonagall

'Twas in the year twenty-fifteen
That strange events in Scotland were seen:
The Nationalists' hopes began to burgeon
Because of a bonnie wee lass called Sturgeon,
Who was bound to do well in the General Election
Because of a mood of disaffection.

The Catholic bishops were all very fine,
Except perhaps for Keith O'Brien.
Of the rest I would mention especially
Philip Tartaglia and Leo Cushley.
Devine was divine, and as for Toal,
There was quite a high chance of saving his soul.

Trouble ahead: Leo Cushley makes a new friend.

But 'tis often thought that Catholics
Should be careful when dabbling in politics.
Bishops, you may write your flock a note
But don't tell 'em exactly how to vote.
When making our choice most think it better
To ignore the tedious "Bishops' Letter".

Alas! The bishops had been gammoned
By Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmond.
They fell into a hopeless passion,
And expressed themselves after this fashion:
"She may have got enormous feet,
But her voice is low and sweet -
Aye, she's a' the world to me;
And for bonnie leftie Nicky 
I'd lay me doon and dee!"

Bonnie Leftie Nicky.

I must now conclude my lay,
And tell the world what many men say.
Bishops are blessed, and they know how to pray,
But in Scotland, as in England, they
Sometimes don't take care what they say.
Respectfully, I warn the episcopal classes:
"Your conduct sometimes rather crass is.
Worship God, and say your Masses,
But don't trust any political lasses,
Or people will say you're a bunch of asses!"

Wiser than some bishops.