Your 32 worst hymns

On to Round 2 of the World Cup of Bad Hymns, beginning on Tuesday 16th October. Now 32 examples of the poets' art remain, out of 64 originally, and there are eight groups of four from each of which two go through to the final 16.

Congratulations to Dan Schutte on getting three wonderfully appalling hymns through to the second round; Brian Howard, Estelle White and Marty Haugen are also going well.

All join in the singing, please.

Although officially neutral, I was disappointed that we lost "I watch the sunrise", "Colours of Day", "Enemy of apathy", "Our God reigns" and above all "Follow me" (the two shirts song), since this probably means that Fr Arfur will feel that it's OK to carry on using them at the church of St Daryl the Apostate. Oh well...

Title	Author	Rd 1	Rd 2
God's Spirit is in my heart	Alan Dale	2	1
Kumbayah	anon	10	6
Christ be our light	Bernadette Farrell	13	8
Bind us together, Lord	Bob Gillman	15	7
If I were a butterfly	Brian Howard	5	3
I just wanna be a sheep	Brian Howard	14	8
Walk in the Light	Damian Lundy	3	1
I, the Lord of sea and sky	Daniel Schutte	1	1
Let us build the city of God	Daniel Schutte	7	3
Come to the table of plenty	Daniel Schutte	16	7
Sing a new Church	Delores Dufner	6	4
Moses, I know you're the man	Estelle White	14	7
Cheep! said the sparrow on the chimney top	Estelle White	16	8
Shine, Jesus, shine	Graham Kendrick	10	5
This little light of mine	Harry Dixon Loes	4	1
I am the Living Bread	Ifeanyichukwu Eze	7	4
Eat this bread	Jacques Berthier	11	5
One bread, one body	John Foley	12	5
Gift of finest wheat	John Michael Talbot	1	2
Gloria (clap clap)	Martin Anderson	12	6
As the deer pants	Martin Nystrom	11	6
Let us build a house where love can dwell / All are welcome	Marty Haugen	5	4
Gather us in	Marty Haugen	6	3
Who is the alien	Mary Louise Bringle	9	5
The world is full of smelly feet	Michael Forster	8	3
On eagle's wings	Michael Joncas	4	2
Alleluia Ch-Ch	Paul Inwood	15	8
They'll know we are Christians by our love	Peter Scholtes	8	4
Jesus Christ the apple tree	R.H.	9	6
Lord of the Dance	Sidney Carter	2	2
Go, the Mass is ended	Sister Marie Lydia Pereira	3	2
I am the Bread of Life	Suzanne Toolan	13	7

Get voting!

Bad Hymns 20

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have chosen a children's hymn today; this means that is it performed at "family services," and will drive to drink anyone over the age of about 6.

If I were a butterfly, I’d thank you Lord for giving me wings.

Eccles: So, welcome, Brian Howard, author of "If I were a butterfly." Yours is a wonderful hymn - I heard it sung in the London Oratory recently, to the Gregorian chant Si papilio essem. Or was it a Bach cantata? I forget.

BH: Thank you so much, Eccles. It's great to be recognised on a blog of this distinction.

E: Do butterflies actually thank the Lord for giving them wings, Brian? Or are you supposing yourself to be trapped in a butterfly's body? In which case wouldn't you be saying "O Lord, get me out of here!"?

BH: That's too deep for me, Eccles. Still, I can also offer you robins, fish, elephants, kangaroos...

E: "If I were an octopus, I’d thank you Lord for my fine looks." Do you think that octopuses have "fine looks?"

A fine-looking octopus.

BH: Well, compared with some ugly spotty children I've seen... and of course cephalopod molluscs may have different standards of beauty from the rest of us.

E: Now, the hymn does have a chorus: "You gave me Jesus and you made me your child," etc. Not bad, really. But those animals... You couldn't drop the animals and keep the chorus, I suppose?

BH: What, and lose lines like "If I were a wiggly worm, I’d thank you Lord that I could squirm?"

E: Is squirming a good thing? Or were you stuck for a rhyme? Still, let's come to one of the highlights of the song, and the bit where the grown-ups present start squirming.

Si ursus fuzziwuzzus essem...

BH: "If I were a fuzzy wuzzy bear, I’d thank you Lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair." Note that bears do appear in the Bible, unlike octopuses.

E: Ah yes, Elisha, who didn't have fuzzy-wuzzy hair, summoned two of them to eat up some rude children. 2 Kings 2, in fact.

BH: We don't teach that bit in schools so much nowadays.

Elisha - spare the bear and spoil the child.

E: Before you go, I would like to mention another hymn: this one's by Mick Gisbey. It's the grasshopper song. Shall we sing it together?

Both: I'm not a grasshopper 
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord!

Not a giant in the Lord.

BH: Of course if I were a grasshopper, I wouldn't sing that song.

E: Let's not go there, please. Brian Howard, thank you very much.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.