The adventures of Amelia

Amelia, the AI creature who is mainly an advocate for traditional English values, was recently rebranded as a traditionally-minded Catholic. Here are some of her adventures, as seen on Twitter.

Note that originally she was not dressed appropriately, but she later improved her costume.

Amelia had a polite word with the great Austen Ivereigh, hoping to persuade him not to be so nasty to Bishop Barron.

Then Amelia had an unhappy encounter with Cardinal "Tucho" Fernández. What on earth could he have said to her?

It was Sunday, and of course Amelia went to Mass. However, her kneeling got her into trouble with Bishop Michael Martin of Charlotte.

Being a good Catholic, Amelia is anxious to keep up with the most important aspects of the faith. Thus, she had a meeting with Sr Nathalie Becquart, who has devoted her whole life to synodality. The good sister told her, "One day we shall find out what the point is!"

A bad day for Amelia when she went to visit Fr James Martin LGBTSJ. Can you see what the problem is?

Finally, on St Blaise's Day, Amelia paid a visit to Cardinal Cupich. It seems that they disagreed on a few issues.

All pictures compiled by Copilot.

The Saints' Song

Probably most readers are familiar with Tom Lehrer's "Elements" Song, which rattles through the chemical elements to the tune of the Major General's Song from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance. If not, it is here.

St Thomas Lehrer.

For several years I have tried to produce something similar with the names of saints, so I got as far as something like "There's Mary, Peter, Paul and Andrew, Matthew, Mark and Luke and John" but then inspiration deserted me. So now that we have AI at hand, I asked Grok, Copilot and ChatGPT to write something. The best of the three efforts produced was by ChatGPT (honestly, Grok, you were rubbish!)

So here we are. My only contribution was in working out what question to ask. The scansion's a bit dodgy, but I will fix that when I have time (i.e., never).

The Saints’ Song
(to the tune of “The Major-General’s Song”)

Verse 1
There’s Ag-nes, Anne, and An-tho-ny, and Ba-sil, Be-ne-dict, 
And Ca-ther-ine of Al-ex-an-dria, Clare, and Do-mi-nic,
There’s Ed-ward, Fran-cis, Gre-go-ry, and He-le-na, so pious too,
And Ig-na-tius, Je-rome, and Joan of Arc, who’d fight and pray for you! 
There’s Law-rence, Lu-cy, Mar-ga-ret, and Mo-ni-ca, ma-ter-nal-ly, 
And Ni-cho-las (with presents, though he start-ed lit-ur-gi-cal-ly),
From O-laf up to Zi-ta, ev-’ry saint is quite ca-non-i-cal—
I know the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal!

(Chorus)
He knows the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal! 
He knows the sa-cred cal-en-dar, it’s frank-ly as-tro-nom-i-cal!

Verse 2
There’s Pat-rick, Paul, and Pe-ter, plus Se-bas-tian (ar-rows trag-i-cal), 
And Ste-phen (stoned but saint-ly), who’s dis-tinct-ly ped-a-gog-i-cal, 
There’s Thom-as More, and Thom-as Beck-et, Thom-as A-qui-nas too, 
And Val-en-tine, whose card de-sign’s com-mer-cial-ly askew,
There’s Ce-cil-ia, pa-tron-ess of mu-sic, ev-er lyr-i-cal,
And Clau-dia, Con-stan-tine, and Chris-to-pher (empir-i-cal?),
There’s Am-brose, An-selm, Ath-a-na-si-us, Au-gus-tine (in-tel-lec-tu-al!)— 
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al!

(Chorus)
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al! 
Their feast days fill the Church’s year in or-der quite per-pet-u-al!

Verse 3
There’s Bri-gid, Ber-nard, Blaise, and Bar-ba-ra, Bon-a-ven-ture, Bea, 
And Hil-de-gard of Bin-gen, who com-posed in saint-ly Do-ri-an key,
There’s George, who slew a dra-gon (though it might have been meta-phor-i-cal), 
And Ri-ta, who’s for caus-es that are frank-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal,
There’s Hu-bert, Is-i-dore, E-li-as, E-liz-a-beth, and Anne,
And Scho-las-ti-ca (with Ben-e-dict, her con-tem-pla-tive old man), 
From Xa-vi-er to Zo-zi-mus, I’ve list-ed quite the pan-o-ply—
I’m prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy!

(Chorus)
He’s prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy! 
He’s prac-ti-cal-ly a walk-ing hag-i-ol-o-gy an-thol-o-gy!

Final Verse
So if you seek a pa-tron for your vir-tue or vo-ca-tion-al, 
I’ll find one most ap-pro-pri-ate, how-ev-er sit-u-a-tion-al,
For sail-ors, smiths, or stu-dents, there’s a saint that fits gram-mat-i-cal-ly,
And all of them pro-nounce their names in ways un-sys-tem-at-i-cal!) 
From mar-tyrs, monks, and mys-tics to the moth-ers most im-mac-u-late, 
I cat-a-log their ho-li-ness in tem-po quick and ac-cu-rate,
In short, in mat-ters sanc-ti-fied, se-raph-ic, and his-tor-i-cal— 
I am the ver-y mod-el of a saint-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal!

(Final Chorus)
In short, in mat-ters sanc-ti-fied, se-raph-ic, and his-tor-i-cal— 
He is the ver-y mod-el of a saint-ly cat-e-gor-i-cal!

The 2024 World Cup of Synod Jargon

On about October 8th, when we have decided what the worst hymn is, we shall start the 2024 World Cup of Synod Jargon. The 2023 World Cup voters decided that "a new way of being Church" was the winner, and "a kenotic de-centering" came second. This year's World Cup will include 16 new entrants received since the previous World Cup, and exclude all the 2023 heroes. After all, a key principle of synodality is to reject everything that was good in the past.

Here we go again!

The sixteen extrants are:

a real Copernican turning point
a snippet of 'conversation in the spirit'
a multidimensional impact on churches
a new theology which gives 'flavour'
athletes of synodality
breathe synodality into academic theology
circularity animated the synodal process
discernment is synodal
forgiveness for the sins against synodality
mission is always synodal
passes through a relational conversion
preserve harmony in your discernment
socio-cultural diversity in a multifaceted church
teaching us to be bread for others
the synodal methodology of conversation
which aspect of 'PLACE' is important?

For practical reasons (because the entrants are quite long they are hard to fit into a tweet), there will be a simple knockout competition conducted by Twitter polls, and no group stages.

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SEMI-FINALS, with the full version of each bit of jargon. Illustrations produced by the Copilot AI program.

forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality 83

understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion 17

athletes and standard-bearers of synodality 41.2

the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process 58.8

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THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion 45.9
athletes and standard-bearers of synodality 54.1 BRONZE MEDAL

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FINAL

forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality 72 GOLD MEDAL
the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process 28 SILVER MEDAL

How to conduct a trial for schism

This is another in our long-running series on "How to be a good Pope", which is read regularly by Pope Francis and his likely successors, Cardinals Cupich, Roche and Fernández (surely, Sarah, Burke and Müller ?) for useful advice.

In fact, if you think YOU may be the next pope but three, it's probably a good move to keep up to date with this series.

All good friends, really!

Some time in your papacy you may find someone who disagrees violently with you - even though you are the Holy Father and infallible in everything you say. Even half-remembered chats to Scalfari (RIP) and ex-aeroplana pronouncements on long flights are infallible. As is calling homosexuals "Massimo Faggiolis" (my Italian is not great but I think this means "Big Beans", which is a well-known term of abuse).

Luckily, the Catholic Church has a remedy for dissidents, an extrajudicial criminal trial for schism.

"Extrajudicial" is an interesting word. I think it means "sentence first, verdict afterwards", as the Queen of Hearts (also infallible) says in "Alice in Wonderland". It certainly doesn't mean a nice public trial, with you and your adversary - let's call him Archbishop Vinegar, so that nobody will think I'm talking about a real person - getting into the witness box and being insulted by men in silly wigs (or whatever the equivalent of the English system is).

"Just answer the question, Mr Francis."

Vinegar's accusations are many and varied. Some of the most hurtful are that you pull the wings off butterflies and kick lovable fluffy kittens. Good grief, if a pope can't do that, then who can?

Of course you do have many real skeletons in your cupboard, some of which Vinegar has managed to find. Others are well-known to any knowledgeable Catholic - your fondness for protecting unsavoury characters such as that dreadful painter Marko the Ripper, for example. No chance of his being subject to an extrajudicial criminal trial! He knows too much...

Anyway, after Vinegar's trial, or rather, before it, comes the sentence. You have checked with your advisers, and we no longer use the rack or the iron maiden - well, except at the wildest of Cardinal Cocoa's drug orgies - and all you can really do is excommunicate him. What an anti-climax!

Archbishop Vinegar will not be expecting this either.

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Nothing to do with the above (or is it?), but the AI program Copilot kindly produced a picture of the famous Annibale Bugsbunni, to whom we all owe so much. It would be a pity not to use it here.

What's up, Holy Father?