The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 7

Continued from Chapter 6

1. Since Cam-aaron had resigned his place as High Priest, it was necessary to find another leader to join with Bo-sis in taking the children of Britain out of the courts of Juncker the Pharaoh.

2. Thus two strong women presented themselves before the people. One was called Lud-som and the other May-gog.

3. However the people turned against Lud-som, because she had borne children, and might therefore chastise the elders with whips and scorpions, and possibly even put them onto the step that is naughty.

4. Whereas May-gog, although she had served under Cam-aaron, was said to possess a safe pair of hands. Although none knew where she kept them.

Ma-gog sheweth her delight at being chosen to lead.

5. So May-gog, together with Bo-sis, gathered together wise men to rule over the children of Britain.

6. Thus they banished Gideon, he who had looked after the coffers of gold, and appointed Haman the tedious in his stead.

7. Meanwhile, the children of Britain cried out with a loud voice, saying "Get ye on with it!"

8. For they were waiting to leave EUgypt. Their bags were packed, and yet May-gog did not make a move.

9. Indeed the LORD spake unto May-gog saying "Behold fifty articles for thine attention. Trigger ye the fiftieth one, and the sea will part: thus ye may flee into the wilderness."

The effect of triggering the 50th article.

10. "Exactly fifty articles are there, and not thirty-nine, as certain Ana-glicans do falsely boast. So trigger ye the fiftieth."

11. However, May-gog did not act. Instead, she appointed three wise men - Bo-sis, Li-am the Fox, and David that is called Davis - to act on her behalf.

12. For she said to herself, "Those three will never agree on anything, and thus we may privily drop the plan to leave EUgypt."

13. Meanwhile, Cam-aaron, as he departed from his position of power, showered honours on those whom he considered worthy.

14. Gideon he created a Companion of Honour: that is to say, he hath honourable companions, yet he is not honourable himself.

15. There was also a woman called Shem, or Chakra-barti, known to be a thorn in the flesh of all men. But Cam-aaron appointed her to a position of power.

16. For he said, "Perchance she will now choose a shorter name around which I can get my tongue, such as Lady Shameless."

17. Finally, Cam-aaron appointed to high places three women of great talent: one who styled his hair, one who cut his toenails, and one who wiped his chin after meals.

No honour for Cam-aaron's fitness trainer.

18. And the people mocked, saying "He hath honoured his cronies. May he never darken our doors again; but let him be forever an outcast, like Blair the mighty warlord."

19. And it was so.

Continued in Chapter 8.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 2

Continued from Chapter 1.

1. So Cam-aaron urged the children of Britain to remain in EUgypt.

2. And he spake, saying, "Let us send out a letter to every household, telling the people why we should remain in the courts of Juncker the Pharaoh."

3. "But who shall pay for this letter?" asked his brother Bosis. "Wilt thou fund the nine million shekels from thine extensive offshore interests?"

Cam-aaron followeth his offshore interests (fish).

4. "Nay," said Cam-aaron. "I have a better idea. Let the people pay for it themselves!"

5. Thus the Postman of Death came to each household with a letter from Cam-aaron. None escaped, save those who slew a lamb and smeared the blood on their doorposts; which is a form of decoration rarely seen in the fashionable parts of London.

6. Next, Cam-aaron enlisted the help of some old and wise men, Ash-down and Kin-nock, that they might send strange voices into the dwelling places of his peoples, crying "Remain! Remain!"

"You're an absolute shower!"

7. Yet still the children of Britain hardened their hearts, saying, "If Cam-aaron, Ash-down, and Kin-nock are for staying in EUgypt, then surely it is wiser to leave?"

8. Next, there spake forth a devout and holy man called Nichols, he that dressed in garments of red and was considered a prince among holy men.

The holy man protecteth himself againt the perils that are to come.

9. "If we leave EUgypt," said he, "then we shall face complex problems, such as the world has never seen before."

10. "What is more, it may hinder my chances of exchanging my garments of red for garments of white, and of changing my name to Francis the second!"

11. And the Catholicites mocked him, saying, "Hath thine Eminence ever been right about anything?"

12. Finally, out spake Gideon, also known as George, he who was responsible for the treasury, saying, "If ye leave EUgypt, then shall ye become poor, living on the scraps under the rich man's table, where the dogs will come and lick your sores."

"Woe is me. Would that I had remained in EUgypt!"

13. However, the words of Gideon were consumed with a grain of salt, since the Labourites and Libdemites with whom he was allied had spent six long years telling the world how useless his predictions were.

14. Still, in the interests of balance, we must mention that some of the allies of Bosis, they that wished to flee EUgypt, were equally wondrous. For apart from Bosis himself, they included Galloway the cat-impersonator and Fraser the comedy vicar.

15. In the words of the prophet, "Is it not a funny old world?"

Continued in Chapter 3.