The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 7

Continued from Chapter 6

1. Since Cam-aaron had resigned his place as High Priest, it was necessary to find another leader to join with Bo-sis in taking the children of Britain out of the courts of Juncker the Pharaoh.

2. Thus two strong women presented themselves before the people. One was called Lud-som and the other May-gog.

3. However the people turned against Lud-som, because she had borne children, and might therefore chastise the elders with whips and scorpions, and possibly even put them onto the step that is naughty.

4. Whereas May-gog, although she had served under Cam-aaron, was said to possess a safe pair of hands. Although none knew where she kept them.

Ma-gog sheweth her delight at being chosen to lead.

5. So May-gog, together with Bo-sis, gathered together wise men to rule over the children of Britain.

6. Thus they banished Gideon, he who had looked after the coffers of gold, and appointed Haman the tedious in his stead.

7. Meanwhile, the children of Britain cried out with a loud voice, saying "Get ye on with it!"

8. For they were waiting to leave EUgypt. Their bags were packed, and yet May-gog did not make a move.

9. Indeed the LORD spake unto May-gog saying "Behold fifty articles for thine attention. Trigger ye the fiftieth one, and the sea will part: thus ye may flee into the wilderness."

The effect of triggering the 50th article.

10. "Exactly fifty articles are there, and not thirty-nine, as certain Ana-glicans do falsely boast. So trigger ye the fiftieth."

11. However, May-gog did not act. Instead, she appointed three wise men - Bo-sis, Li-am the Fox, and David that is called Davis - to act on her behalf.

12. For she said to herself, "Those three will never agree on anything, and thus we may privily drop the plan to leave EUgypt."

13. Meanwhile, Cam-aaron, as he departed from his position of power, showered honours on those whom he considered worthy.

14. Gideon he created a Companion of Honour: that is to say, he hath honourable companions, yet he is not honourable himself.

15. There was also a woman called Shem, or Chakra-barti, known to be a thorn in the flesh of all men. But Cam-aaron appointed her to a position of power.

16. For he said, "Perchance she will now choose a shorter name around which I can get my tongue, such as Lady Shameless."

17. Finally, Cam-aaron appointed to high places three women of great talent: one who styled his hair, one who cut his toenails, and one who wiped his chin after meals.

No honour for Cam-aaron's fitness trainer.

18. And the people mocked, saying "He hath honoured his cronies. May he never darken our doors again; but let him be forever an outcast, like Blair the mighty warlord."

19. And it was so.

Continued in Chapter 8.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 19

Continued from Chapter 18

1. Richard Dawkins was now in the seventy-fourth year of his age, and the time came for the Lord to convey a great blessing on him.

2. For an angel descended unto him and spake, saying, "Richard, it pleaseth the Lord that thou shalt be granted infinite knowledge; but beware, for wisdom followeth not upon great knowledge."

The angel greeteth Richard Dawkins.

3. And Richard said to himself, "The angel speaks the truth. For without having undertaken any study I am become an expert in theology, yeah, and literature, yeah, and psychiatry, yeah, and moral philosophy."

4. For he was invited to speak at famous literary festivals, such as those at Hay-on-Wye, and Holt in the land of the Norfolkites, at which he was lionized as a literary expert.

5. This was indeed remarkable, as Richard had written no literature other than the comic tale of the God Delusion, which tells the tale of a man who always getteth the wrong end of the stick.

6. Still, he spake as an equal with the learned doctors, such as Melvyn, he that was known as Lord Wigg of Bragton, or possibly Lord Bragg of Wigton, a man who had read every book in the library of the Britons, which is at St Pancras.

In order to make a point, Richard seeketh for a needle at the Hay festival.

7. Next, it came to pass that Richard tweeted unto the world, saying: "I don't hate Catholics, I don't hate Protestants, I hate the hereditary mental illness called religion..."

8. And the doctors of the mind were sore amazed, for they said, "It is true, we knew not of the mental illness of Jesus, and St Augustine, and Thomas Aquinas, and Thomas More, and Joseph Priestley, and Louis Pasteur, and Gregor Mendel, and James Clerk Maxwell, and..."

9. "Surely, this man Dawkins hath revolutionised the science of psychiatry?"

I'm a little disappointed that you should accuse me of mental illness, Professor Dawkins.

10. And finally Richard decided to put forward a new moral philosophy, known as Dawkins' Theory of Relativism, which shows how the human mind becomes more narrow as the rate of its utterances approaches the speed of light.

11. For he tweeted unto his many followers the doctrine that there were mild forms of rape, and mild forms of paedophilia.

12. However, were a man to come unto him, saying "Father Dawkins, I have mildly ravaged someone. Wilt thou endorse my actions?" Richard still undertook to reply "Nay."

13. For such were the rules of logic.

We come in peace. Shoot to kill... mildly.

14. And many who had looked kindly upon Richard, such as Shami of the Chakrabartites, said "Lo! Richard has gone too far. He may be a man of great knowledge, but he is not as wise as a serpent, rather he is as foolish as the virgins who took not oil for their lamps."

15. Or to put it more bluntly: "Put a sock in it, thou fool!"

16. For it is written that a prophet is without honour on Twitter.

Continued in Chapter 20.

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The book of St Richard started here.