The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2.

1. Then there came a great leader from the Western Lands, whose name was O-bam-a.

O-bam-a uttereth threats, yeah, even unto the fourth generation.

2. And O-bam-a spake, saying "I have a special relationship with the children of Britain. I love them, even as Les Dawson loved his mother-in-law."

3. "But should ye flee the land of EUgypt, then the first shall be last, and the last shall be first: that is to say, ye shall be at the back of the queue when it cometh to trade deals."

4. "No longer will ye be able to feast on the Cola that is Coke, nor the Mac that is big. Thus will ye starve."

5. And the people of Britain grew wrathful, saying, "What manner of man is it, that dareth to speak thus? And in six months from now, will not the Western Lands be ruled either by the Trump or the Clinton, whose only virtue is that they are not O-bam-a?"

6. Thus Cam-aaron's plan to keep the children of Britain in the land of EUgypt had taken a backward step.

7. Soon after this, his brother Bosis abandoned the city of Lon-don, where he was Governor. Thus the children of Lon-don appointed Sadiq Khan, the son of Genghis, to rule over them in his stead.

Khan, son of Genghis. Or possibly George, he that is called Galloway.

8. And Bosis continued to fight for Brexodus, while Cam-aaron continued to make threats.

9. "Woe unto ye if ye leave the land of EUgypt," said he. "For if ye do, there will be a great war the like of which ye have not seen before. The Assyrian will come down like the wolf on the fold."

10. "Further, the Hittites, the Thumpites and the Bashites will hit ye, thump ye, and bash ye."

11. "Also the bodysnatchers from outer space, the Klingons, the Daleks, and the triffids, shall join in a mighty war. Not to mention the Germanites."

A triffid prepareth to smite the unwary children of Britain.

12. And there, perhaps, he had a point. For the Germanites were clearly waiting for the children of Britain to leave EUgypt, so that they might smite the Franks again, as they had not done this for a few years.

13. But the people of Britain replied unto Cam-aaron, "Have a lie down, thou fool, for thou hast been working too hard."

Continued in Chapter 4.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 2

Continued from Chapter 1.

1. So Cam-aaron urged the children of Britain to remain in EUgypt.

2. And he spake, saying, "Let us send out a letter to every household, telling the people why we should remain in the courts of Juncker the Pharaoh."

3. "But who shall pay for this letter?" asked his brother Bosis. "Wilt thou fund the nine million shekels from thine extensive offshore interests?"

Cam-aaron followeth his offshore interests (fish).

4. "Nay," said Cam-aaron. "I have a better idea. Let the people pay for it themselves!"

5. Thus the Postman of Death came to each household with a letter from Cam-aaron. None escaped, save those who slew a lamb and smeared the blood on their doorposts; which is a form of decoration rarely seen in the fashionable parts of London.

6. Next, Cam-aaron enlisted the help of some old and wise men, Ash-down and Kin-nock, that they might send strange voices into the dwelling places of his peoples, crying "Remain! Remain!"

"You're an absolute shower!"

7. Yet still the children of Britain hardened their hearts, saying, "If Cam-aaron, Ash-down, and Kin-nock are for staying in EUgypt, then surely it is wiser to leave?"

8. Next, there spake forth a devout and holy man called Nichols, he that dressed in garments of red and was considered a prince among holy men.

The holy man protecteth himself againt the perils that are to come.

9. "If we leave EUgypt," said he, "then we shall face complex problems, such as the world has never seen before."

10. "What is more, it may hinder my chances of exchanging my garments of red for garments of white, and of changing my name to Francis the second!"

11. And the Catholicites mocked him, saying, "Hath thine Eminence ever been right about anything?"

12. Finally, out spake Gideon, also known as George, he who was responsible for the treasury, saying, "If ye leave EUgypt, then shall ye become poor, living on the scraps under the rich man's table, where the dogs will come and lick your sores."

"Woe is me. Would that I had remained in EUgypt!"

13. However, the words of Gideon were consumed with a grain of salt, since the Labourites and Libdemites with whom he was allied had spent six long years telling the world how useless his predictions were.

14. Still, in the interests of balance, we must mention that some of the allies of Bosis, they that wished to flee EUgypt, were equally wondrous. For apart from Bosis himself, they included Galloway the cat-impersonator and Fraser the comedy vicar.

15. In the words of the prophet, "Is it not a funny old world?"

Continued in Chapter 3.

The Book of Brexodus

1. And there arose a new king of EUgypt, who set taskmasters over the children of Britain, to afflict them.

2. But God heard the groaning of the children of Britain, and God remembered His covenant with their forefathers, made when EUgypt was simply a common market.

3. Thus there arose two leaders among the children of Britain, whose names were Bosis and Cam-aaron.

Bosis and Cam-aaron play "spot the loony".

4. And Bosis spake, saying, let us leave EUgypt and go our own way. For Cripes! we want the right to obey our own Ten Commandments, rather than obeying the Ten Million Directives imposed by the Pharaoh, whose name is Juncker.

5. However, Camaaron disagreed, saying, I have spoken to the Pharaoh, and he hath promised us mighty concessions. Each day, between the second hour and five minutes after the second hour, our bondage will be lifted. Except when the day endeth in a Y.

6. And the people mocked Camaaron, saying, thou hast achieved nothing, for lo! the Pharaoh's servants Merkel and Hollande stand outside our tents, ready to flood them with aliens, such as the people of the Refugites, the Migranites, and even the Terrorites of Isis. And not a single good plumber among them.

An army of Migranites seeking to invade.

7. And even Corbyn the Clown jeered at Camaaron, saying, what is wrong with slavery and bondage, anyway? I myself quite enjoy being bullied, humiliated, and laughed at, for that is why I became a party leader.

8. Then God smote EUgypt with a series of plagues.

9. For there came a plague of Farogs, which went to the houses, and the bedchambers, and even the drinking-troughs, crying "Brexit! Brexit!"

A Farog cometh to the drinking-trough.

10. And Pharaoh came to Bosis, saying, Take away the Farogs, and I might even let thy people go.

11. But Camaaron spake, saying, I have obtained a wondrous deal, and I shall advise the people of Britain to stay in EUgypt, rather than go into the wilderness.

12. What's more, Bosis is a cad and a traitor unto me, and if we were still at Eton I would smite him behind the bike-sheds.

Continued in Chapter 2

Leviticus

This is Chapter 3 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who is a bit of a beginner at theology. We have seen Genesis and Exodus, and now we need to work out what Leviticus is all about.

It is forbidden to eat vultures, even tinned ones (Leviticus 11:14).

Now, unlike the previous two chapters, which were full of jolly stories about ancient people, with a fair amount of smiting and some miracles too, Leviticus gets us into a bit of a rut. The basic plot is that God gives a lot of instructions to Moses and Aaron about rituals, the priesthood, sacrifices, etc. and Moses and Aaron carry them out.

Now pay attention, Richard. The book is called Leviticus, and refers to the Levites, the tribe from which the priests were drawn. This should give you a clue that most of the rules and regulations written down were not intended for modern Christians to follow - but wait until Christ turns up, and we'll explain this more carefully.

Wel-by, of the tribe of Levi, enjoys a nice ritual.

Some of the advice given is relevant today. For example, Chapters 13 and 14 have some fascinating stuff about how to diagnose leprosy, and what to do if you come across such a case. So you see, these "bronze age goatherds" could easily have got jobs in a modern hospital, and some could even have written books about shellfish genes (which they did not eat, according to Leviticus 11:9-12).

Around Chapter 17 we start to get some moral instruction, and of course this is the bit that so many secular-minded people object to. "Why can't I uncover the nakedness of my father’s sister if I want to?" they ask.

My own (great-)aunt Moly, with a good reason not to try and uncover her nakedness.

We should not forget Leviticus 18:22 (about lying with people of the same sex), because that does tend to upset some people. Although in the New Testament it is made clear that dietary restrictions no longer apply, and you can now eat as many vultures as you want to, it is also made clear that the same-sex prohibition - always far more serious than accidentally eating a vulture lasagne that you thought was beef - still stands.

Actually, Leviticus is at the forefront of equal rights, in many ways. "Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumbling block before the blind" (Lev. 19:14) is advice that few would argue with.

Someone round here hasn't been reading Leviticus.

Well, Leviticus was the basis of the Jewish law for many years, but there is a very good reason why it is hardly ever read from in a Christian church service - for us it is mostly of historical interest. Animal sacrifices are no longer expected: we have something far better.

After the service there are coffee and vulture sandwiches in the Sistine Chapel. Trust me, it's OK.

So next week we'll be looking at the book of Numbers, when the Israelites are on the move again...