This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles
Showing posts with label Guardian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Guardian. Show all posts

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Anti-Catholic professor has another meltdown

A well-known anti-Catholic professor has managed to outrage millions of decent people yet again. In a Guardian article for which it is said she received a fee of "approximately thirty pieces of silver", Tina Beattie contrived to have one of her famous meltdowns, showing her contempt for the Pope and the Catholic Church, while rejecting their teaching on contraception and abortion.

Look at me! Look at me! I'm rude and naughty!

Although her remarks were welcomed by the Guardian, the Tablet, and similar anti-Catholic organs, criticism came from an unexpected direction. Professor Richard Dawkins, the distinguished biologist, theologian, psychologist and poet ("There's not a bonnie bird that sings, But minds me o' my gene.") was unimpressed. "This lady is supposed to be a professor," he pointed out. "That is, a person universally respected for her erudition and dignity. She's just annoying Catholics in the hope that people will talk about her more. Perhaps she's got a book to sell; anyway, she's starting to give professors a bad name."

"I'll send her one of my professorial tee-shirts," says Dawkins.

Although Tina Beattie is "professor of Catholic studies" at Roehampton, this cannot be taken to imply that she is a Catholic, or that she supports Catholicism. After all, Professor Malaria, who holds the chair of Tropical Diseases, is not a supporter of tropical diseases: on the contrary, he regularly publishes hard-hitting "Diseases!? Arentchasickofem?!" articles in the Guardian.

Bishops: help the Justice for Tina campaign by inviting her to your diocese!

For those who gave up reading Tina's piece after five lines, on account of its clunky and turgid style, we are delighted to reprint the very last sentence, even if it is total gibberish:

How about a maternal church in which the shepherds smell of bruised, hurting and dirty women dying in childbirth?

Sounds great, eh? Still, this evening Tina Beattie was unrepentant. "Repentance? Isn't that a papist thing?" she said. "Not my cup of tea at all!"

Monday, 28 April 2014

Sir Simon Jenkins explains Canonization

From the Guardian's "Comment is free and worth every penny" section.

The Catholic Church declared two new saints at the weekend. Although I am not a Catholic, I am a very important person, and I run the National Trust. What's more, I once wrote a book called England's Thousand Best Churches, and so I am definitely an expert on ecclesiastical matters.

ugly church

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Now, I can tell you that what goes for the National Trust should equally apply to the Catholic Church, and canonization is just medieval nonsense. Miracles, Prayer, the Virgin Birth, God, ... these are all things that no intelligent Catholic believes in, and I should know because I am a very famous person who got a knighthood for services to the fishwrap industry - I was knighted at a moving ceremony attended by a million devoted worshippers!

N.B. They said it was a miracle that a dimwit such as I should be given a knighthood, but we know that miracles don't exist!

fish and chips in newspaper

My journalism has helped to feed the starving millions.

I am less indulgent to the behaviour of religions. More death and destruction is being perpetrated in the name of religion than for many decades past - Pope Francis may claim that Pope John XXIII and Pope John-Paul II never went berserk in a crowded theatre with a machine-gun or crashed aeroplanes into Church of England cathedrals, but I know better.

AAARGH! I HATE RELIGION!! IT'S A MENACE TO MILLIONS!!! IT DESERVES NO RESPECT AT ALL!!!! NURSE!!!!! MY MEDICINE!!!!!! QUICK!!!!!!!

Sir Simon Jenkins