The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 7: The rule of Six

Continued from Chapter 6.

1. In the ninth month of the year, the plague continued to rage, or, more accurately, to be slightly peeved.

2. For, although there were some new sick people, the Angel of Death had dropped his mighty scythe and now slew just one or two with his less mighty sword of cardboard.

"I need a holiday."

3. And Bo-sis spake, saying, "Let us talk once more to the people of EU-gypt about the issue of Brexodus. For, although we have left, there is more to be decided."

4. Thus he ordered his servant David the Frosty to meet with Michael Bar-nier in a form of mortal combat known as negotiation.

5. But Bar-nier was exceeding wrathful, for David the Frosty wished to take away all the fish for which the children of Bri-tain hungered.

6. This would force the Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, to feed her five thousand people on just five loaves and two fishes.

An exclusive picture of the EU-gypt fishing quota.

7. Moreover, Bo-sis was forced to reconsider the Backstab, or the Irishite Question, wherein the trade in milk and honey with the Irishites was to be governed.

8. For, as is recorded elsewhere, whenever Bo-sis was getting close to the answer, the Irishites secretly changed the Question.

9. However, the plague had not gone away, and the Angel of Death spake again unto Bo-sis, saying "Coo-eee, I am still here!"

10. Thus Bo-sis took decisive action, and appointed an army known as the Marshals of Covid, who were to patrol the streets shouting at passers-by the mighty words "KEEP THY DISTANCE!"

"This street ain't big enough for the two of us."

11. Also, because Bo-sis and his servant Matthew, of the trible of Hanoch, liked to speak in slogans, they created a new one: "HANDS - FACE - SPACE - THE FINAL FRONT EAR", although none knew what it meant exactly.

12. Then Matthew of Hanoch counted up the number of his friends, and it came to five (if he counted the ones who did not really like him).

13. Thus he gave an order, known as the Rule of Six, saying that no party should consist of more than six people.

14. And all the people were angered by this, except for the Libdemites, who said "A party of six people? We have been practising this for years!"

Continued in Chapter 8.

Don't equate Catholic Voices with violence

Flying back from Kraków, Pope Francis became tired of reading the souvenir magazine, Pole Dancing for Catholics, so he stood up and gave yet another impromptu off-the-cuff press briefing. This was instantly seized on as either a fundamental change to Catholic teaching or yet another non-event, depending on whether you read the Tablet or else some of the Catholic papers.

"I do not like it when people associate Catholic Voices with violence," asserted the Holy Father. "I know that Austen Ivereigh is greatly feared in Catholic circles, but he is basically a peace-loving man, even if he does occasionally come out with statements about Islam that would turn Damian Thompson's hairpiece white."

Francis (protected by a barrier) "reaches out" to Dr Ivereigh.

Every day we read in our newspapers, or see on television, signs of people being intimidated by Catholic Voices. The amazing Caroline Farrow, who has spoken out on Catholic issues on so many television and radio programmes that we have lost count - these include Strictly Come Dancing, Match of the Day, and even Midsomer Murders - can reduce a secularist to a quivering heap of jelly in 30 seconds flat. Even the Archbishop of Corby hides under the baked bean shelves at ASDA when he hears Mrs Farrow on the radio.

However, Pope Francis claims that such people are essentially peaceful. "Take Greg Daly," he said. "Yes, do take him. He tells me he's the only man in the world who understands the Irish question, and occasionally people have fallen into a coma when he tried to explain it to them. But people can fall into comas for other reasons, you know, and one should not blame Catholic Voices for that."

Young people playing Pokémon Go manage to miss the Pope entirely.

In another announcement, Pope Francis commented on the success of World Youth Day. "From now on, we're going to have similar smaller-scale events in every town in the civilised world. They will take place on Sunday mornings, mostly, and involve much smaller gatherings of Catholics for Mass. Obviously, I can't be everywhere, so I am appointing a group of deputies to do the 'Hey, I'm the big superstar' bit. I've even thought of a catchy name for them - priests!"

Here we think Pope Francis may - for once - have gone a little too far.

Obama solves the Irish question

There was excellent news in Northern Ireland this week, when Barack Obama, a retired lawyer now holding an administrative job in Washington, announced the solution to the Irish question, which has evaded the greatest minds for over 200 years (or 500 years, by some accounts).

Now, are you guys Protestant Muslims or Catholic Muslims?

Said the sage of Honolulu: If Catholics have their schools and buildings, and Protestants have theirs ... that encourages division.

Lord Bannside and Martin McGuinness agree on something - that Obama is a complete fool.

Thus, in brief, the Obama plan for peace is as follows:

1. Catholics and Protestants to combine their church schools
and teach exactly the same thing. 
2. Catholics and Protestants to share churches and have joint 
services.
3. Well, actually, the POTUS would like all churches to close.
4. Obama to become Pope and Moderator of the Free Presbyterian 
Church of Ulster. 
5. Catholics and Protestants to stop complaining about Obama's 
support of wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.
6. Not to mention abortion, same-sex marriage, etc.

We need more "Star Wars" Masses and fewer "Jesus Christ" services!

Obama later clarified his position: "Religion is fine by me, really, provided that you don't let it affect your behaviour. Model your conduct on that of my great friends Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi - they're pious, devout and humble Catholics, but also powerful voices against religion!"

"And you can take that cross down, for a start!"

Having solved the Irish question, Obama is moving onto the Middle East, where his simple recipe for peace will be: Why not just combine Islam and Judaism into one faith, and call it Judlam? Or better still, join the Catestants and Protholics and make one big religion called Obaminanity?

Finally, Obama faces his biggest challenge of all, to bring reconciliation between God and the Devil.

The Apocalypse. Could it be averted if God and Satan agree to worship Obama?