Pope Francis wins a medal

As he comes to the end of his term as president, Joe Biden has decided to give Presidential medals of Freedom to all his best friends: Bono, Hillary Clinton, George Soros, ten people who tried to shoot or at least lock up Donald Trump, Darth Vader, the Emperor Dalek, The Joker, Riddler and Penguin, etc. etc. and last but not least Pope Francis.

The citation for Pope Francis mentioned his humility, his mercy, his synodality, his tolerance of Catholics of all flavours - from the most rigid TLM-aficiando all the way down to those who thought the whole thing was a bit of a joke and really supported Planned Parenthood.

It is believed that Biden will soon be honouring other prominent Catholics, such as Uncle Ted McCarrick and Fr Marko Rupnik.

"We're going to need a longer ribbon, Mr Soros."

Now that Joe and Francis are best mates, the Holy Father has decided to respond by canonizing the president Santo Subito, even though such honours are usually reserved for dead people - not just brain-dead people - and would not normally be conferred this quickly unless the holy person had produced a good website (so Leo XIII, Thomas à Kempis, Pius XII and G.K. Chesterton will have to wait a few hundred years more).

"Here's your halo. We're making you the patron saint of ice cream."

Damian Thompson quits the Catholic Herald

Following a take-over of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald, its Grandmaster-in-chief, Fra' Damian Thompson, has quit his position because of "a difference of opinion". Commentators have been asking whether the "blood-crazed ferret" has been biting the bishops of England and Wales too hard, in view of his criticism of their lordships' response to the decision of hanging judge Mrs Justice "Blood! Cut! Sever! Aagh!" Lieven to force a woman to abort her baby (a decision now overturned).

Pope Francis and Grandmaster Damian, in happier times.

Fra' Thompson's "In some ways, possibly, well, one might argue, without making too much of this, that the bishops' response to the court decision was less than it might have been had it been more than it was" was itself a watered-down version of what he originally wrote, namely, "Ye brood of vipers, who hath shewed you to flee from the wrath to come?"

We have not yet determined who the new owners of the Catholic Herald are, although George Soros, who recently added the Vatican to his portfolio, is the most likely candidate.

Two photos of George Soros, the new owner of the Herald.

So who will be the next Grandmaster-in-chief of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald? The owners will clearly want to go for a "Catholic Lite" journalist, such as Austen Ivereigh, Robin Mickens, or Christopher Lamb. (Fr Thomas Rosica is tipped to take over the U.S. edition, although other sources say that he is retiring to a medieval monastery to work as a copyist.)

I'm Austen. Please, please, please, let me be editor!

Austen is already showing the charm, tact, and diplomacy for which he is notorious, in his reaction to the Dame's departure.

How to win friends and influence people, by Austin Powers.

The latest revelations of Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò have also proved too hot for the Herald to handle. They're a bit sordid for a spiritually nourishing blog such as this one, but we are happy to vindicate Pope Francis against claims that he runs a gang of pickpockets in Rome, robbing the tourists; likewise, it is unlikely that he personally set fire to Notre Dame; finally, he is totally innocent of charges that he goes out at night and kicks kittens. But all the rest is probably true, including the heresy.

Cardinal Fatty Shame.

Finally, we celebrate the removal of Cardinal Fatty Shame of New York from Joe's "All you can eat" diner (after a prolonged lawsuit, in which the cardinal argued that he still wasn't ready to go). The cardinal has been removed to St Patrick's Cathedral, in order that he may be prepared for his new role as Blessed Grandmaster of New York Pride. Well done, there!

Who is the real Pope?

In these troubled times, there seem to be four possible theories about who is actually the Pope:

1. Pope Francis.
2. Pope Benedict.
3. Nobody.
4. Someone else entirely.

So it's time for an in-depth analysis. Not that you'll get one here.

Sedevacantists see things this way.

1. Pope Francis is the obvious answer. Elected by a conclave in 2013; white smoke; goes around in white robes; sleeps in a humble broom-cupboard in the Vatican. After his private correction by Cardinal Burke, his correctio filialis by a bunch of wise men, and a telling-off from Fr Weinandy - with none of which has he publicly disagreed - he is now the most orthodox Catholic on the planet.

Of course he has a few blind spots as regards how to run the Church. Whatever made him think that Blase Cupich was worthy of doing any job more spiritual than emptying the dustbins? Does he really think we've forgotten his Anschluss with the Order of Malta? When the newspapers carried headlines ELDERLY DICTATOR UNDER HOUSE ARREST, who thought of Mugabe, and who thought of Francis? Still, otherwise he's played a blinder. Well, apart from... no, let's move on.

Two litres of Amoris Laetitia, please!

2. Pope Benedict? Well, he was apparently forced out after undue pressure from his enemies in the Church. They kept sending him copies of the Tablet and essays by Austen Ivereigh. After such relentless persecution, who can blame him if he decided to spend more time with his beer, I mean prayer? On the other hand, it's not entirely clear that popes can resign.

Still, he says he's not the Pope, and he ought to know.

3. Nobody. There are two groups here. One is the group that believes that all popes since Vatican II (or possibly since Pius V) were invalidly elected. This viewpoint is supported by the prophecies of St Malachy, Nostradamus, and Mystic Meg.

The second group - more interesting - finds something distinctly fishy in the story of the 2013 conclave, where, thanks to the St Gallen Mafia, or Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, or British intelligence, or perhaps Batman's arch-nemesis the Joker, some skulduggery took place. In which case the cardinals need to go back into the Sistine Chapel and try again. Good luck with that one.

The Soros twins.

4. Someone else was secretly elected by the conclave in 2013. Pope Francis is merely a "stunt pope" who does all the dangerous things like driving the Popemobile at high speed, flying in aeroplanes, and making the odd speech, indeed very odd speech. Somewhere in the background is an Eminence Grise who is pulling the strings. This may be:

i) George Soros, who appears to have a finger in every disreputable pie;
ii) Vladimir Putin, who is blamed for everything;
iii) The Habsburgs, who seem to be making a come-back;
iv) Richard Branson, who seems to be everywhere (except that I have never seen him on one of his delayed trains).

Alternatively, Douglas Adams suggested that the man who rules the Universe sits in a shack somewhere, with no companions except his cat. Well, he was nearly right: it's actually the Catholic Church that he rules.

Or could this saved person be the power behind the throne?

Eccles finds a safe space

I don't normally agree with Professor Anthony Grayling about very much - nothing personal, but I'm saved and he isn't - and I couldn't really go along with his article on whimpering students. After all, students (except, perhaps, those boring scientists in their white coats) go to university for three years to get away from education, new ideas, opinions and teachers. It does not seem fair to expose them to micro-aggression, which is the term we use nowadays when someone unconsciously says something that we can turn into a cause of offence.

For example, "I trod in a puddle this morning" is an "ablist" remark that can be interpreted as an act of violence towards anyone who happens to be unable to walk, either through disability or drunkenness.

Grayling is, of course, a friend of the Dawkins family and their dog.

And - I'm sorry, professor - but a lot of language needs to come with "trigger warnings", which means "I am about to use everyday terms but if you've got nothing better to do, you can get upset".

In my case, the trigger phrases that raise my blood pressure include "Spirit of Vatican II", "Cardinal Kasper says", "We'll now sing 'Oh what a horrid place the world is' by Bernadette Farrell", "Today we have a visiting preacher, Fr Harry Tique S.J." and "Let us offer each other the sign of peace".

The kiss of peace? No thanks.

At St Tharg's Church, where I normally worship, such acts of micro-aggression are common, and are definitely liable to deter worshippers. However, we do have a side-chapel dedicated to the memory of St Tharg. I have therefore persuaded Fr Arthur to let us use it as a "safe space" for sensitive worshippers. Out go the altar, the candles, and Tracey Emin's religious installation, "The Bed of St Tharg". In come sofas, teddy-bears, blankets to hide under, and the sounds of Gregorian chant.

A safe space in the Tharg Chapel.

Bring on the Year of Mercy with its logo of the two-headed cyclops on skis, its official Paul Inwood Taizé-pastiche hymn, and its mysterious opening of doors! Actually, I don't mind the opening of doors, since Dr Joseph Shaw has kindly provided a liturgy for this in his Latin Mass Society booklet:

Pulso! Pulso!
Quis adest?
Papa Franciscus!
Papa Franciscus quis?

Anyway, bring on the Year of Mercy, and I'll see you in the Tharg Chapel.

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Smith

Our story is set a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. The Smith Lords are all-powerful, imposing their will on all intelligent life-forms. The cruel dictator, Darth Smithius, ferociously suppresses the old ways, which are still practised by the Latin-speaking Tradi Order - the ones who know how to use the Extraordinary Force. He drives them back as he imposes the Ordinary Force.

The all-powerful Darth Smithius.

The Tradi knight, Tim-obi Wan Fin-igan, is urged to flee the land of the black fens, and he takes refuge on the distant planet Thanetooine at the gates of Mar. Nearby, he finds another Tradi Master, Marcus Yoden, the custodian of the gates of Ram. Meanwhile, the black fens see the arrival of the young master Annoyin Stevefisher, who in those days has not yet turned to the Dark Side; he is considered to have been broadly neutral in the recent Clown Wars, when so many masses were taken over by puppets, clowns and liturgical dancers. The people of the black fens expect that the Extraordinary Force will be with him.

The temple in the black fens. Note the impressive array of light-sabres.

As we wait to see what Annoyin Stevefisher will do, we have a comic interlude, with various subsidiary characters such as the following:

The Wookiee cries in triumph, watched by the robots RAD2-D2 and CORM-3PO,

and of course this one:

Flabba the Shedd.

Back to the plot. In the black fens, Annoyin Stevefisher shows an instant hostility to the Tradi Order, rejecting the Extraordinary Force, and and driving many into exile. Nearly a year passes, and the black fens lie in ruins. It transpires that Annoyin Stevefisher has turned to the Dark Side. He even declares his intention to teach in a secondary school. From now on, he will be known as DARTH FISHER.

The dreaded Darth Fisher.

The power of the Smith Lords is now unchallenged, and the Evil Empire holds sway everywhere except on the planet Thanetooine. We shall have to wait for three more films before we see the Return of the Tradi.

Pope Francis baptises a Dalek

Following Pope Francis's comment that he would be happy to baptise a Martian, it has been revealed that on Monday he actually baptised a Dalek in a private ceremony.

I-AM-A-SAVED-DA-LEK.

We asked Dalek Pancras to tell us about his baptism (his original name was Birt but he changed it, having been baptised on St Pancras's day).

"IT-WENT-WELL-ECC-LES," he replied. "I-WAS-EX-OR-CISED. EX-OR-CISED. I-AM-FREE-FROM-SIN. I O-BEY-THE-POPE. I O-BEY."

This in itself is unusual, as so many Catholics (even cardinals) wouldn't dream of taking any notice of what the pope says. Dalek Pancras went on to explain how the Pope had advised him to stop exterminating people, or, if that was not possible, to try and cut down a little. If things didn't work out, the Pope had said, "Who am I to judge?"

We asked Pancras what his future plans were, and he said that he was very interested in modernist trends in the Catholic Church, and that he was already learning to sing Paul Inwood's AL-LE-LU-IA-CH-CH and to practise his liturgical dancing.

Newly-converted Christians sometimes have trouble with the Kiss of Peace.

New Cardinals appointed

The Vatican announced yesterday the appointment of six new cardinals. All parts of the Catholic world are represented, with the notable exception of Europe: it was explained that the Holy Father didn't see why he should be expected to honour any Soho-Mass supporting pinko liberals until they learnt to toe the line.

A pinko liberal in typically flamboyant costume.

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Those six new cardinals in full:

Cardinal Nanook of the North.

Coming from a very small archdiocese to the North of Canada, Cardinal Nanook is the only Archbishop whose Cathedral is made entirely of snow. In a statement released today he said, "This red hat comes at a very opportune time, as my head is rather cold at present."

The Cathedral of Christ the Somewhat Frozen.

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Cardinal Robinson Crusoe.

Cardinal Crusoe, Archbishop of the Cannibal Islands, is also delighted to receive his red hat. "Now my parishioners are really starting to take religion seriously," he said. "They're already saying grace!"

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Cardinal Fu Manchu.

The Catholic church is making great inroads in the mysterious East, and this is recognised in the appointment of Cardinal Fu Manchu. Although he has a fondness for world domination and a reputation for ruthlessness, it is thought that he has been brought in to counter the threat of the mysterious oriental villain Ans Kung.

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Cardinal Kor relaxes in his Cathedra.

One of three extra-terrestrial cardinals to be appointed, Cardinal Kor is the first Klingon to be honoured in this way. When we asked him for a comment, he replied: Daq the tagh ghaHta' the mu', je the mu' ghaHta' tlhej joH'a', je the mu' ghaHta' joH'a'.

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Cardinal Cyberman gives a blessing.

Cardinal Cyberman comes from the traditional wing of the Catholic church. However, his aversion to gold means that he will probably not be a serious contender in the next papal conclave.

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Cardinal Jabba of Tatooine (with altar-server).

Cardinal Jabba is Archbishop of Tatooine. He is very fond of cinnabons and was formerly Bishop of Leeds.