This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday 25 October 2012

New Cardinals appointed

The Vatican announced yesterday the appointment of six new cardinals. All parts of the Catholic world are represented, with the notable exception of Europe: it was explained that the Holy Father didn't see why he should be expected to honour any Soho-Mass supporting pinko liberals until they learnt to toe the line.

Pinko liberal

A pinko liberal in typically flamboyant costume.

Those six new cardinals in full:

Cardinal Nanook

Cardinal Nanook of the North.

Coming from a very small archdiocese to the North of Canada, Cardinal Nanook is the only Archbishop whose Cathedral is made entirely of snow. In a statement released today he said, "This red hat comes at a very opportune time, as my head is rather cold at present."


The Cathedral of Christ the Somewhat Frozen.

Cardinal Robinson Crusoe

Cardinal Robinson Crusoe.

Cardinal Crusoe, Archbishop of the Cannibal Islands, is also delighted to receive his red hat. "Now my parishioners are really starting to take religion seriously," he said. "They're already saying grace!"

Cardinal Fu Manchu

Cardinal Fu Manchu.

The Catholic church is making great inroads in the mysterious East, and this is recognised in the appointment of Cardinal Fu Manchu. Although he has a fondness for world domination and a reputation for ruthlessness, it is thought that he has been brought in to counter the threat of the mysterious oriental villain Ans Kung.

Cardinal Kor

Cardinal Kor relaxes in his Cathedra.

One of three extra-terrestrial cardinals to be appointed, Cardinal Kor is the first Klingon to be honoured in this way. When we asked him for a comment, he replied: Daq the tagh ghaHta' the mu', je the mu' ghaHta' tlhej joH'a', je the mu' ghaHta' joH'a'.

Cardinal Cyberman

Cardinal Cyberman gives a blessing.

Cardinal Cyberman comes from the traditional wing of the Catholic church. However, his aversion to gold means that he will probably not be a serious contender in the next papal conclave.

Cardinal Jabba

Cardinal Jabba of Tatooine (with altar-server).

Cardinal Jabba is Archbishop of Tatooine. He is very fond of cinnabons and was formerly Bishop of Leeds.


  1. Not a saved parson25 October 2012 at 21:26

    Haven't had such a laff since Pops JP2 said one April Fool's day that there would be a new appointee since Cardinal Sin. He was a right old leg puller.

  2. Cardinal Jabba looks a bit hot and bothered in that bikini. Perhaps Fr Pauf , who I notice is sitting nearby, could put the fan on?

  3. Dear Sir,

    Once again I would like to point out that your disgraceful misrepresentation of the Catholic hierarchy is too close to home. I find it all terribly uncomfortable.

    It would be a great kindness to those of us who still support the authority of our Church if you might provide a Nihil Obstat at the end of your blogs.

    Yours internetwise,
    Disgusted Lapin of Tunbridge Wells

    1. I got an Omnia Obstant, is dat good?

    2. All these Latin phrases amount to much the same thing, in my experience. (There may be minor distinctions of meaning, but I wouldn't bother about them – nobody else does.)

    3. Dear Sir,

      I didn´t get where I am today by saying all Latin phrases mean the same thing.

      Tuus sincere,
      In plebem verberibus de Tunbridge Wells

  4. Such a disgrace those pinko liberals in the church heirarchy supporting those Soho Masses,subjecting people to insipid,folksy 1970's Masses merely on account of their belonging to a certain section of the community. I suggest the LGBT's (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Tradistionalists) mount a campaign against such treatment. Perhaps Bi-monthly masses could be celebrated at St Patricks soho in the old-rite to offer a choice both to those who have made up their mind and also to those unsure of their liturgical orientation. After all St Patricks is ideally placed for local hostelries and there's plenty of space in soho square for worshipper to bring their tents and camp out.

    1. If gays had any cojones they would object to these idiotic gatherings. I shall it leave to others to construct jokes about the transgendered and their lack of cojones.

  5. A LGBT (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Tradistionalists) Mass is celebrated every Sunday at the Brompton Oratory, those there are Catholics trying to live in accord with the Church's teaching whilst Abp Nichols's Soho Mass is about dissent and promoting a lifestyle contrary to everything the Church stands for.

  6. Perhaps so, but i'm not entirely convinced its just the latin tongue they practice at the Laboratory