Arundel and Brighton's Festival 50

This weekend the pope's visit to Ecuador, Bolivia and Paraguay has been overshadowed by a much more significant event - the 50th Birthday Celebrations of the Arundel and Brighton Diocese. Here are some of the events you may have missed by going to Ecuador instead.

Bishop Moth requested that we NOT sing "If I were a butterfly..."

Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor gave a keynote address on "How Team Bergoglio chose the new pope", explaining that if it hadn't been for his efforts we'd have been landed with Cardinal Dolan demonstrating papal inanity.

(Anglican) Archbishop Rowan Williams spoke on "Anglicans, Catholics and Druids - they're all the same really," before saying - in an apparent reference to austerity measures - "We must all make sacrifices!"

Off to Stonehenge!

Fr Timothy Radcliffe OP explained his highly original views on "Gay sex - it's God's gift, it's Catholic, and it's eucharistic!"

We also enjoyed a performance of Paul Inwood's "gathering chant" "Prepare the way of the Lord, Moo-oo-oo, Moo-oo-oo".

Of course there were many other speakers, whose names did not appear on the official programme:

Michael Coren gave a fascinating lecture on "Why Catholics are right", before bursting into tears and saying "Actually, this week I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

Michael Coren, also known as Judge Anthony Kennedy, a great fan of "gay marriage".

Damian Thompson of the Spectator spoke on "Attending Mass - an old Catholic tradition revived". He explained that - contrary to popular belief - attending mass was not forbidden by Vatican II, and that many traddies were trying to revive the custom.

Bishop Emeritus Kieran Conry gave an address on "If you're chaste, expect to be caught!" and showed us his very interesting holiday snaps.

Entertainment from the ACTA youth group.

Basil Loftus gave a speech entitled "Proud to be a heretic", in which he said that future generations would forget Gnosticism, Arianism, Pelagianism, and Nestorianism, and instead speak in hushed tones of Loftusism, which contained a far richer collection of wacky ideas.

Finally, Professor Tina Beattie gave a surprising talk, in which she swore total fidelity to the Catholic Magisterium and labelled anyone who tried to change Catholic teaching "a heretic of the worst kind". She was later taken to hospital complaining of sunstroke.

The Timothy Radcliffe road show (with added Inwood)

Are you planning a Catholic event? Are you worried that it may be too Catholic? These days we've got to be more inclusive, and we need to include Catholics of all shades of opinion: Protestant, atheist, Muslim, ... We don't want to give the impression that being a Catholic is anything to do with what you believe in, as if Catholics somehow rejected liberal secular values! Luckily we've got just the speaker for you - Fr Timothy Radcliffe!

Timothy Radcliffe (R) with John Allen Jr, a poor homeless man.

Fr Radclife, once ludicrously tipped to succeed Basil Hume as Archbishop of Westminster, is known as a dissident from Catholic teaching on sexual ethics. Actually, I'm not sure what else he's known for, as dissidence seems to keep him very busy. A president at one of the infamous Soho Masses, a man who recommended the film Brokeback Mountain, a man who rejects the Church's teaching on homosexual relations - yes, he's just the man to make your Catholic event more liberal. And here are some examples!

Flame 2 - a "yoof" listens raptly to Fr Radcliffe,

Consider Flame 2, then. An event for the "yoof" of today, or middle-aged men pretending to be "yoof-ful". With special yoof-ful guest, Cardinal "I don't think the midterm report was a mistake" Tagle, a hero of the Extraordinary Synod, and just the cardinal to invite if you think Burke is being too, er, serious about his faith. Radcliffe was there, too, as a man who knows how to inspire the yoof!

A yoof-ful Radcliffe.

Now pop over to Vaughan House, near Westminster Cathedral, and listen to Fr Timothy give a Lenten talk on Tolerant and Free despite being Catholic? Subtext - don't let Catholicism get in the way of your liberalism. Are there no limits to this man's ubiquity? Incidentally, Cardinal Nichols, don't think we didn't notice that all four speakers are male Catholic priests - no women priests, not even a Tina Beattie. You sexist trad!

I went to Vaughan House, and all I got was this lousy mug.

The Radcliffe roadshow continues, and unless you've bought one of those tee-shirts listing all his gigs you may not be able keep up with the man. However, the best is still to come. Over at Arundel and Brighton they're celebrating the 50th anniversary of the diocese, as we have mentioned before.

Many of us were hoping that Timothy Radcliffe would be the next bishop of A&B - after Cormac and Kieran he would have kept the comedy tradition alive - but it was not to be. Mgr Richard "Tiger" Moth, Bishop of the Forces, will be the next occupant of "Conry Towers" in Pease Pottage. That leaves a vacancy of course, and if they were to change the name to "Bishop of the Farces", then I would be happy to write a testimonial for Radcliffe.

"Tiger" Moth prepares to land at Pease Pottage.

But we digress. One of the stars of the Arundel and Brighton mega-party is a certain Fr Radcliffe. The best is yet to come, though, and this is a reason why you definitely mustn't miss the fun.

Help is at hand for those who've had too much Radcliffe.

As reported by Men Are Like Wine, Paul Inwood has written a Jubilee Mass for the Arundel and Brighton event. Apparently Lady Gaga was unavailable. As a Lenten penance I decided to listen to the first few tracks. Going into the wilderness of the Inwood, that's the sort of thing I do so that you don't have to.

Track 1: Gathering Song. What do you mean, you didn't know the Mass included a gathering song? To be fair to Uncle Paul, it's not too bad, if you like "socially relevant" songs that only mention God as an afterthought. Still, the tune is a little banal, and the use of irreverent-sounding chords sounds as if Uncle Paul wasn't paying attention in his basic harmony classes.

Track 2: Gathering Chant. Here I started biting the carpet. "Prepare the way of the Lord, Moo-oo-oo, Moo-oo-oo"??? Well, that's what it sounds like. Listen to it yourself, if you don't believe it. These wordless noises don't really work. Same tune as in 1, with extra moo-sic.

Shouldn't that be "PARATE VIAM DOMINI MOO-OO-OO"?

Track 3: Kyrie. Not too bad, really, although it doesn't sound spiritually nourishing, or even particularly original. He even uses the traddy Greek words. Could we have misjudged Uncle Paul? No, of course not.

Well, I think I've suffered enough Inwood, so I'll stop there.

Religious predictions for 2015

Our predictions for 2013 were pretty much on target (we didn't repeat the exercise for 2014), so here is what is expected to happen in 2015.

January. ISIS troops run away in terror from an army of little old ladies. David Cameron celebrates this victory - for which he takes the credit - by going on yet another holiday to foreign fish-markets.

Training to combat ISIS.

February. Bishop Campbell discovers that Deacon Donnelly is still spilling the beans about bad behaviour in the Catholic Church, even though his "Protect the Pope" blog is closed down. He confiscates the deacon's laptop and telephone, places him under house arrest, and warns him to talk to nobody. Donnelly continues to proclaim the Catholic faith by means of smoke signals from his chimney.

March. Cardinal Dolan attends the New York St Patrick's Day Gay Pride March. Rather than look ostentatious by parading in full clerical dress, he disguises himself as a golfer (see below).

"A cardinal, me? No, I'm just off for a game of golf."

April. Tony Flannery, the "silenced priest" is encouraged to go on a retreat to a Trappist monastery. However, he is thrown out after two days because he refuses to stop talking. He blames the Vatican.

May. Pope Francis welcomes a party of disabled children to the Vatican. In a three-hour harangue, he lists 94 faults that they are guilty of, and reduces the entire class to tears. At the end he concludes "Who am I to judge? I'm the pope, that's who I am."

Preparing to meet the pope.

June. Paul Inwood makes a desperate bid for recognition as a respectable composer by releasing his "Rest" (the word "Requiem", being in Latin, is unacceptable to him). After hearing the opening chorus "Eternal Rest, zzz, zzz, Eternal Rest", critics suggest that he take out all the notes and replace them with rests.

July. Arundel and Brighton hosts a "Woodstock II" happening to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the diocese. Kieran Conry asks if he can bring his "plus two" with him, but this is refused. With Rowan Williams, Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Timothy Radcliffe as guests, the organizers realise that they are a little short of Catholics, and invite Hans Küng, Tony Flannery and Tina Beattie as additional speakers.

Distinguished speakers arrive for the Arundel and Brighton happening.

August. The Church of England is accused of "institutional sexism" as it is revealed that it has not had a male Supreme Governor for 63 years. Prince Charles offers to take over, with the title King Ali Krishna Siddhārtha Charles, defender of all faiths except Catholicism, but in the end Goodish Queen Bess continues as before.

September. Pope Francis publishes a biography of Austen Ivereigh, the great reformer, suggesting that Cormac Murphy-O'Connor had a hand in his election as head of Catholic Voices. A clarifying statement is issued soon afterwards, confirming that Ivereigh himself knew nothing of this.

Pope Francis presents Austen Ivereigh with a copy of his book.

October. The World Synod of Bishops is held. To make sure that the "right" decisions are taken, Pope Francis asks Cardinal Kasper to write the relatio in advance. He then "accidentally" sends out invitations with the wrong venue to Cardinals Burke, Pell, and Müller, who find themselves stuck in Trent.

November. Pope Francis resigns, saying that he's had enough. Cormac Murphy-O'Connor takes charge of "Team Nichols", with the result that the Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster is the surprise choice for pope. This is astonishing, as nobody had suspected that he was even a Catholic.

The Archbishop of Corby misses out again.

December. Pope Francis II (to give him his official title) invites Tina Beattie to lecture in the Vatican, and offers the Sistine Chapel as a base for the World Gay Catholic Society. The Tablet warmly approves this move.

The diocese of Arundel and Brighton rejoices

Sunday 5th July 2015 will surely be the most exciting day that Christendom has seen since Pentecost, A.D. 28 (or whenever it was)! 50 years of Arundel and Brighton - the diocese that's a model for Catholics everywhere! Especially since the year 2000, when its bishops have included two spiritual giants of this age - or indeed of any age - Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, the eminence grise who runs the Catholic Church behind the scenes, and Kieran Conry, once tipped to be the next pope but three!

Two spiritual giants discuss spiritual things.

You thought I was going to use that photo of the two of them looking shifty, didn't you? Admit it. Well, maybe later.

Crowds of people will be heading to the Amex Stadium in Falmer, Brighton. This in itself is something of a miracle, as the place is normally used by Brighton and Hove Albion football team: thus the stadium remains empty for weeks on end. The entire Catholic population of Surrey and Sussex is encouraged to trek over there, and no doubt there will be special "Catholic special" trains laid on. So bad luck if you were thinking of going to Mass in your local church: your priest is under instructions to get his football boots on and trek out to the Amex Stadium.

What may happen if all the priests are away for the day.

Now, let's see what giants of Catholicism will be turning up for the football match. Cormac, yes, hard to keep him away really; not Kieran, as far as I can tell, but who knows? He doesn't seem to have moved out yet. And the two key speakers, who will no doubt wish to encourage the faithful Catholics of the South Coast are...

Have a guess, go on. The Pope? No, too busy giving interviews. A nearby bishop of distinction (+Egan of Portsmouth, maybe?) No. Bill Gardner, formerly of the Argus, and now employed by the Telegraph in its relentless "dumbing-down" campaign? No, be serious.

The first guest is the great Rowan Williams! Er, wasn't he until recently the Archbishop of Canterbury? Wouldn't that make him an Anglican, not a Catholic? Yes, I think so.

Definitely an Anglican.

And the second guest is the even greater Timothy Radcliffe! Yes, he is a Catholic, of the slightly ludicrous variety, being known for his public opposition to the Church’s teaching on homosexuality. Well that will go down well in Brighton, no doubt, although not with many Catholics.

Fr Tim Radical does his Al Jolson impersonation.

It could have been worse. So far Mo Ansar has not been invited. Or Richard Dawkins. Or Tina Beattie. And it's not too late to ask Fr Ray Blake to take over the running of the event. Or me, for that matter.

And finally...

The picture we've all been waiting for.

Eccles answers some burning questions

Dear Eccles, I read somewhere that it was possible to declare one's house a Galloway-free zone. How do I do that, and what are the advantages?

Sometimes our policemen are wonderful.

Eccles replies: A Galloway exclusion zone is generally considered to be a significant asset to a neighbourhood. Indeed, the value of your property may increase by up to 100% if the purchaser can be sure that there isn't a whining Hamas-supporter crawling round your living-room drinking the cat's milk.

To avoid an infestation of Galloways, you could hang an old shoe in your window, since Muslims consider old shoes to be insulting, and Galloways will tend to avoid them. Keeping pigs is another possible strategy, but these animals tend to think of Galloways as "unclean" and will probably be upset by their presence. In Bradford they discovered that inviting a few Jews to visit was extremely effective: despite his mighty rhetoric, the resident Galloway was reported to have disguised himself in a burka and fled to Scotland.

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Dear Eccles, I am a pregnant woman, and very worried that my child may have Dawk syndrome. Could you advise me?

People with Dawk Syndrome are often fond of animals. It's humans they can't stand.

Eccles replies: Dawk Syndrome is not usually a problem for the first 50 or so years of life: people with this condition can often live full and rewarding lives, for example by taking unskilled employment as professors of zoology.

In old age, however, we often see severe psychological problems develop: an obsessive desire for publicity, including the habit of saying nasty things in order to be noticed; a conviction that one is always right, even when the facts have shown that this is not the case; the habit of making gaffes ("unless you are a vegan (most Pro-'Lifers' are not) you are in no position to object to abortion"); and a total insensitiveness to the feelings of other people. It is tempting, if you think you may have a Dawk baby, to abort your child and "try again", but we cannot recommend that course of action. At any rate, the condition is much better understood these days.

Sometimes a 73-year-old will dress like a teenager.

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Dear Eccles, whom are you likely to nominate for your "Catholic bishop of the year" award?

Eccles replies: It seemed at first that Michael Campbell of Lancaster would walk away with the prestigious "golden cake" for his courageous suppression of the far-too-orthodox Protect the Pope blog, and his brilliantly confusing handling of the situation. As devoted supporters of "Mike the Knife" we must remind people that shouting "Pants on fire!" at bishops is rude and naughty, even if this exact phrase is not explicitly forbidden by canon law.

Recently, Kieran Conry has been coming up fast behind him, with his imaginative request for the dissident organization ACTA to hold meetings in his diocese, going as far as advertising them on the Arundel and Brighton website. Well done, Kieran! Give the Vatican a piece of your mind! Just think, in a few hundred years time we may be talking of Conryans in the same way as we talk of Lutherans!

Attacking ACTA? Not in Arundel and Brighton!

Television news

Following ITV's attempt to revive its posh soap Downton Abbey by adding a gratuitous rape scene, the BBC has decided to spice up Songs of Praise.

The "new look" Songs of Praise.

Said a spokesman, "We have decided to make Songs of Praise more exciting for those who are not normally of a religious disposition; to do this we shall include scenes of violence in place of the bit where the presenter waffles on about how St Tharg's started up its Gay Grandmothers Support Group in 1662. Next week we shall re-enact the rape of Tamar by her brother Amnon, thus combining incest and rape in a tasteful and spiritually nourishing context."

The spokesman went on to point out that "Songs of Praise" is already regarded as a programme suitable only for those with strong stomachs. After all, it has been known to broadcast scenes of explicit "Walk in the Light", even before the 9 p.m. watershed.

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Meanwhile, in other news, the BBC has announced the discovery in Arundel and Brighton of a large stock of previously-missing videotapes from its long-running series Bishop Who? It includes several adventures which some people thought had never even been made.

Bishop Who demonstrates Venusian ju-jitsu in The Rebels of Acta.

Many fans of Bishop Who will be glad to see The Rebels of Acta again. In this story Bishop Who confronts a bunch of renegade Catholics who have been attempting to change the course of history, and escapes from their clutches with some well-timed Venusian ju-jitsu.

There is also a sub-plot involving Bishop Who's conflict with a mysterious organization called Quest, which attempts to infiltrate the Empire of Arundel.

Fr Blake and his helpers greet the Argoids of Brighton.

Another recovered story is the The Argoids of Brighton, in which Bishop Who courageously defends Fr Blake from the venomous attacks of a poisonous creature. This story later led to a spin-off series, called Blake's Heaven.

A group of time-lords, in ceremonial robes, swearing loyalty to President Francis.

In another once-lost adventure, Magisterium, Bishop Who travels to the Time-Lord Planet of Roma, in order to protect the sacred laws of Humanae Vitae from barbarian invaders wishing to change the sacred teachings on morality.

It is rumoured that further lost stories remain to be discovered, including one, The Bishop's Letter, in which Bishop Who decides that people will take him more seriously if he writes a blog. This plot device is, of course, well-known from Star Trek.

Bishop Kirk dictates his own "Bishop's Blog".

How to be a bishop

I receive many letters from Catholic priests in good standing, telling me that they have been sent letters similar to the following one. Naturally, they ask for my advice.

Uneasy lies the head that wears a mitre.

Dear Fr Crony, You have been specially selected by our computer to become Bishop of the diocese of Arrogant and Brittle. The job comes with a beautiful house in scenic Pease Pudding, and your own company bicycle. Accept now without delay! Yours, Pope Brian XIX.

Of course you'll say "yes", but what should you wear? It is important not to stand out from the crowd, and so I recommend an old football shirt for everyday wear. On ceremonial occasions (in particular, religious worship), you should wear the company uniform, including a mitre, but even a dog-collar is considered to be overdressing when you attend discos in aid of CAFOD.

Now available in red!

As a bishop, you are the shepherd of your flock, but occasionally you will find that one of your priests has been "stitched up" in an article by an unscrupulous journalist. For example, the priest may write a blog, the contents of which are distorted, and made-up quotations added. Your duty is plain here - apologise for him. Explain that you don't read blogs. Do not on any account offend the press, the broadcasters or the secular media in general! By going against the general consensus of the Catholic Church, you will stand out as a man of principle!

Well done, Bishop!

As a bishop you will be approached occasionally by off-beat organizations, such as GERIACTA, the organization of 80-year-old Catholic rebels who want to depose the Pope and set up a Politburo. Give them your support, Bishop! Arrange meetings with them, explain that dissent is the life-blood of the Catholic Church, and that we should welcome people of all beliefs and none! Why, if a leading Catholic institution such as the Mater Misericordiae Hospital in Dublin is prepared to conduct abortions (and to drop the "Mater" title, as it's really not appropriate now), it's clear that Catholic dogma must have changed beyond recognition. Out go Humanae Vitae and the other fuddy-duddy documents! In comes your own Episcopal Encyclical Fac Rem Tuam (or, since Latin is obviously not "cool", you may just say Do your own thing).

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Another job of a bishop is to interpret Christian doctrine. There's no point leaving it to those guys in Rome - they don't understand the everyday problems of Arrogant and Brittle. Make some really outrageous statement such as "The gospel has little to say about sexual behaviour." When the laughter dies down, you will find that you have opened the floodgates to fornication, adultery, incest, homosexual acts, ... so you will make lots of new friends, and may get invitations to wild parties!

The sort of wacky fun that your new friends get up to.

Well, there's only one fly in the ointment, dear infallible bishop, which will stop you doing and saying exactly what you want. Some meddlesome traddy troublemaker with a totally different idea of a bishop's responsibilities may kick up a fuss. So keep a suitcase packed in case a quick departure is required!

If this van draws up outside your house, be very afraid!

Professor Eccles answers your questions

Q: Dear Professor Eccles, I was in London on Thursday, and will be in Rome on Sunday. When and where should I celebrate Ascension Day?

Professor Eccles makes a cup of coffee.

A: This is a difficult question, and to get a meaningful answer, you have to understand my General Theory of Doctrons. These are fundamental particles which emanate from a big machine in Rome called the Magisterium, and transmit Catholic doctrine round the world. Unfortunately, when they reach England they are often blocked on arrival by a chain of jamming devices on the south coast.

Arundel Cathedral - believed to contain a jamming device called a Cathedra.

Anyway, to answer your question, the moment your aeroplane flew over the Channel it would have been hit by a wave of doctrons, and so the correct answer is that you should celebrate Ascension Day the moment that the "Fasten Seatbelts Sign" has been switched off.

A "flying bishop" demonstrates the latest in pneumatic chasubles.

While I'm here, let me tell you of another exciting scientific discovery: the Hereson, or anti-God particle. This one acts as an anti-Doctron: to detect it, scientists sent Hans Küng whizzing round a "collider" under the Alps at high velocity until he collided with Tina Beattie.

Hans Küng meets Tina Beattie and emits a Hereson.

Well that's enough science for today, so let's finish with a photo showing some of the deadly effects of Hereson radiation.

The deadly effects of Hereson Radiation.

Kieran Corny abducted by aliens

Bob the Builder - note the striking resemblance to Kieran Corny.

The Catholic Church has finally come clean and admitted that Kieran Corny, the much-loved bishop of Arundel and Brighton, was abducted by aliens a few years ago, and replaced by a lookalike, Bob the Builder. Many will know Bob from his catchphrase Can we fix it? to which the reply is Yes, but we're not going to bother.

Some of Kieran's conduct over the last few years has been so absurd that many Catholics have exclaimed in disbelief "Is this man really a bishop?" Now, at last, their worse fears are confirmed, as it is revealed that an impostor was in place all along.

In happier times, Kieran Corny had a big following.

Most recently, Kieran launched an ill-judged personal attack on the outgoing pope, Benedict XVI. Said a critic, "He seemed to be totally unaware of a bishop's duty of loyalty and obedience. He was acting in the egotistical way that one might associate with Ed Stourton, Tina Beattie, or any of the other people linked with that rag, the Tablet."

Ian Paisley (Lord Bannside). "I find the Tablet too harsh in its criticisms of the Pope."

Bob, the Kieran Corny lookalike, has set himself up as the Antipope of the South Coast in recent years. One of his main criticisms has been that decisions concerning the worldwide Catholic church have been taken centrally in Rome, rather than being left to local potentates to decide for themselves. "What's the point of being a bishop if you can't define Catholicism to suit yourself?" he is supposed to have said. However, the Vatican is still refusing to recognise the SSPB (Society of Sussex Pope-Bashers).

A recent portrait of Kieran Corny.

Whether explaining how the Pope should have run the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, attacking Cardinal O'Brien on the issue of same-sex marriage, or simply moaning about Archbishop Roche's new translation of the liturgy ("In Sussex we don't say 'consubstantial' - we say 'being of one thingie, whatever'"), Bob Corny has a track record of ticking off his superiors.

"It's all Greek to me," says Bob.

So it was with a brilliant sense of irony that Corny was appointed head of the Magic Circle's department for Evangelisation and Catechesis - after all, the Catholic church is bound to evangelise much better if it is known to be full of dissenting bishops, and of course these are just the sort of people one would want to be catechised by.

Bob Corny is also Brighton and Hove Albion's star left-winger.

Still the truth is now out: the holy and learned Kieran Corny has been abducted to the planet Tharg, and meanwhile Bob the lookalike has been bumbling around Arundel and Brighton. We should have realised sooner.