The Book of St Richard, Chapter 19

Continued from Chapter 18

1. Richard Dawkins was now in the seventy-fourth year of his age, and the time came for the Lord to convey a great blessing on him.

2. For an angel descended unto him and spake, saying, "Richard, it pleaseth the Lord that thou shalt be granted infinite knowledge; but beware, for wisdom followeth not upon great knowledge."

The angel greeteth Richard Dawkins.

3. And Richard said to himself, "The angel speaks the truth. For without having undertaken any study I am become an expert in theology, yeah, and literature, yeah, and psychiatry, yeah, and moral philosophy."

4. For he was invited to speak at famous literary festivals, such as those at Hay-on-Wye, and Holt in the land of the Norfolkites, at which he was lionized as a literary expert.

5. This was indeed remarkable, as Richard had written no literature other than the comic tale of the God Delusion, which tells the tale of a man who always getteth the wrong end of the stick.

6. Still, he spake as an equal with the learned doctors, such as Melvyn, he that was known as Lord Wigg of Bragton, or possibly Lord Bragg of Wigton, a man who had read every book in the library of the Britons, which is at St Pancras.

In order to make a point, Richard seeketh for a needle at the Hay festival.

7. Next, it came to pass that Richard tweeted unto the world, saying: "I don't hate Catholics, I don't hate Protestants, I hate the hereditary mental illness called religion..."

8. And the doctors of the mind were sore amazed, for they said, "It is true, we knew not of the mental illness of Jesus, and St Augustine, and Thomas Aquinas, and Thomas More, and Joseph Priestley, and Louis Pasteur, and Gregor Mendel, and James Clerk Maxwell, and..."

9. "Surely, this man Dawkins hath revolutionised the science of psychiatry?"

I'm a little disappointed that you should accuse me of mental illness, Professor Dawkins.

10. And finally Richard decided to put forward a new moral philosophy, known as Dawkins' Theory of Relativism, which shows how the human mind becomes more narrow as the rate of its utterances approaches the speed of light.

11. For he tweeted unto his many followers the doctrine that there were mild forms of rape, and mild forms of paedophilia.

12. However, were a man to come unto him, saying "Father Dawkins, I have mildly ravaged someone. Wilt thou endorse my actions?" Richard still undertook to reply "Nay."

13. For such were the rules of logic.

We come in peace. Shoot to kill... mildly.

14. And many who had looked kindly upon Richard, such as Shami of the Chakrabartites, said "Lo! Richard has gone too far. He may be a man of great knowledge, but he is not as wise as a serpent, rather he is as foolish as the virgins who took not oil for their lamps."

15. Or to put it more bluntly: "Put a sock in it, thou fool!"

16. For it is written that a prophet is without honour on Twitter.

Continued in Chapter 20.

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The book of St Richard started here.

Saint of the week

In the beginning was the wood.

St Pinocchio is venerated in many South American churches.

Pinocchio is an unusual saint, having originally been constructed as a wooden puppet. His life is well documented in Carlo Collodi's biography, but his main claim to fame is the story of his nose. As Pope Francis explained in his sermon on St Pinocchio's day: "The nose of St Pinocchio is a lesson to all of us. It grew in length whenever he told lies, thus teaching him the Christian virtues of truth and honesty."

Pinocchio, before he became human (and saved).

Knowing that the new Holy Father looks favourably on the representation of St Pinocchio at Mass, many traditionalist parishes - such as Our Lady of the Rosary in Blackfen, the Church of Our Saviour in New York City, and Santissima Trinità dei Pellegrini in Rome - are expecting to employ giant dolls as an aid to worship in the near future.

The Brompton Oratory - when will we see Pinocchio puppets at Solemn High Mass?

St Pinocchio himself later became human - indeed, the wood became flesh, as St John almost put it. The circumstances of his eventual death are unclear, and some versions of the legend state that "he lived happily ever after." In that case he is still around somewhere, perhaps even writing a blog.

Other religious figures seen at High Mass (note Melvyn Bragg behind Our Lord).

Renewing the Church's relationship with men

How can the Pope renew the Catholic Church's relationship with men?
by Catherine Lefftie. This is a shortened version of a New Statesman article.

Catherine Lefftie - the thinking man's old boiler.

What do you call a man who has become the leader of 600 million men?

Pope Francis.

The vast institution he now leads is the oldest in the western world; its relationship to men characterised by paradox. Go into any Catholic church and you will see far more women than men. Accordingly, Pope Francis urgently needs to take steps to make the Church more attractive to those who have XZ chromosomes (Ed., please check this, I'm not very good at science. CL.)

Men do the dull jobs in church, such as arranging the flowers...

... while women have fun stoking the boiler.

It was not always thus. Although the most important non-divine person in the Catholic church is the Virgin Mary, men have also played their part in its history. For example, the first person to see the Risen Christ was a man, Melvie Braggdalene, who went to the tomb to interview Him before the women got there.

Melvie Braggdalene poses at the site of Christ's tomb.

Of course, other men have not had such a good press. For example, arch-villain Judas Iscariot is widely accepted to have been male, and a very poor role-model for modern men.

Another poor role-model.

What Pope Francis needs to do, and I know he bases many of his decisions on New Statesman articles by bitter old lefties, is to make the Church more friendly to men. For example, the Church encourages the blessings of motherhood, and these tend to be enjoyed far more by women than men.

A woman enjoying her blessings.

Religious life is skewed in favour of women. For instance, men are expected to worry about what clothes they wear in church, and to make fashion statements, whereas women are allowed to dress simply and plainly.

The height of fashion.

Of course the priest plays a fairly important part in the life of the Church, but it is well known that every priest must listen to the voices of an army of women telling him what to do. It is no coincidence that the most influential person in British Catholic life is a woman, Catherine Pepinster.

A priest receives his holy orders.

I have devised a ten-point plan (which I have modestly called the "Ten New Commandments") by which Pope Francis can renew the Catholic church's relationship with men. My vision is a stirring one, but time will tell whether it will be realised under Pope Francis's pontificate.