Newman was my kind of Catholic

A guest contribution from Christopher Lambchop of the Tablet.

There is little doubt that celebrity saint John Henry Newman would have been an ardent Remainer. So says Fr Ignatius Harrison of the Birmingham Oratory, and his wise words are backed by Diarmuid Martin, the Archbishop of Dublin, who is still recovering in hospital from the removal of his spine.

Of course we cannot be sure exactly how Newman would have resolved the current crisis. Would he have campaigned for a second referendum? A simple dropping of Article 50? Or perhaps he would have asked for another 20-year extension? We can never be entirely certain, although scholars who have read his writings are sure that he was crying out to be ruled by such giants as Juncker, Verhofstadt, Von der Leyen, and Barnier.

Christopher Lambchop with an unknown lady (probably Tina Beattie)

Likewise, we can tell from his Apologia pro Greta sua, that Newman would have supported the Extinction Rebellion's current campaign to shut down the world's cities. It is known that he never flew in an aeroplane, and there are accounts of his gluing himself to hot air balloons in an attempt to bring people closer to God. As he said in 1895 "We have only 12 years in which to save the world," and his words are as true now as they ever were. When we see our heroes engage in interpretive dance moves in order to help our planet survive, we know that John Henry Newman is looking down and wishing he was there.

Vestments worn by St John Henry Newman.

Moving on to Catholic issues, a subject we tend to avoid in the Tablet, we know that Newman would have enjoyed the current Amazonis Laetitia summit. Not just for the opportunity to stick feathers in his hair and worship pagan fertility idols, but also for the new doctrine that it promotes - notably the ordination of women as deacons (sha-women joining the sha-men). A pioneer in every way, Newman records in his writings how he used to confess his sins to the trees in Oxford, and listen to the wisdom of the wisteria.

On the wider scene, Newman was a keen feminist, a promoter of LGBT issues (history records that he never married), and in short, a typical Tablet reader. Modernism was his creed, as we know from his famous letter to Pope Pius IX, which begins "Get with the programme, baby-oh. This infallibility wheeze is a great opportunity for you to rewrite Catholic doctrine."

"Newman made me a modernist."

Yes, Newman was definitely my type of Catholic.

Will this do? Actually, he seems to have been a bit of a old fogey, and rather a stuffed shirt, but we'd better not say that. Chris.

Pope Francis declares himself fallible

The Catholic Church enjoyed a rare moment of unity today, when Pope Francis made an ex cathedra declaration of the doctrine of the fallibility of the Pope. For nearly 150 years, successive Popes had enjoyed the status of "infallible", but under such restrictive circumstances that the doctrine was almost meaningless: the Pope must speak ex cathedra, he must speak on faith or morals, he must have the permission of the editor of the Tablet, he must be wearing the holy socks of Pope Pius IX, and he must speak in Latin. All this is now (infallibly) swept away.

Pope Pius IX, the possibly fallible.

There has always been a slight paradox in the notion of papal infallibility, since Pope Pius IX was not infallible until he declared that he was, and so maybe he was never infallible after all. By that logic, anyone who declares himself infallible (e.g. Richard Dawkins or Giles Fraser) could be regarded as such.

Note that Papal infallibility has always been misunderstood by non-Catholics, who make trolling remarks such as "Hee, hee, hee, if he's infallible, why doesn't he tell us who's going to win the 2.30 at Newmarket today?" In fact the Pope KNOWS but he is not allowed to TELL (cf. the secrets of Fatima).

And the winner is Pope's Fancy at 100-8.

Still, there was a general sigh of relief today when Pope Francis renounced infallibility. Some Catholics were worried that he was going to declare that carbon dioxide was the Devil's gas; others feared that he might declare that Jesus's words about divorce were in some sense part of infallible Catholic teaching. (Which bits of Jesus's teaching are to be regarded as infallible is another good question for Catholics: apparently this will be answered at a forthcoming synod.)

The Holy Father himself is greatly relieved, now that he no longer officially infallible. He commented: "I admit that I contradict myself on a daily basis, and so it is a great weight off my mind to know that it really doesn't matter. Actually - what am I saying? - I don't contradict myself, and it does matter. Oh never mind."

Catholic Dilemmas: Are Catholics allowed to praise Pope Francis?

I cannot stand the way that people think it is all right to praise Pope Francis. Surely a Catholic should always be rebellious?

In recent times popes have been more visible to the world than ever before, thanks to the fact that they have stopped going to church and instead come out into the streets to meet the people. As a result, they are no longer regarded as distant hate-figures, but may occasionally be seen to perform actions that attract admiration.

Pope Pius XI makes an early bid for popularity.

Even in ancient times, popes were occasionally praised by very holy people. For example, St Paul said of St Peter, "Old Pete may not be a great letter-writer, but he certainly 'smells of the fish'."

More recently, Cardinal Newman said of Pope Pius IX, "I could make a better pope out of an old scarecrow, but there's always a chance that this one may be slightly saved if he learns to shut his trap." Generous language indeed!

Blessed Pius IX basks in the warm praise of Blessed John Henry Newman.

Finally, Cardinal Burke has said of Pope Francis, "Well, say what you like about the old thug, but he's not as crazy as Kasper!"

Of course, it is more traditional for Catholics to show love and respect towards the Pope by referring to him as "Fatso", "Francis the Fool" or "Pope Gay" (if you're Mundabor, which few people are, fortunately). Or, if they are members of ACTA, ACP, the Tablet board, etc., to call him "Sexist dinosaur". These are terms that warm the heart of a pope, especially when he sees who is using them.

However, there is nothing sinful in referring to the Holy Father as "Einstein the Ecumenical", "Captain Hermeneutic", or "His handsome Holiness", even though it is contrary to Catholic custom.

Reprinted from the Catholic Herald.

Diarmuid Martin complains that people keep calling him "a man of principle".

Design your own Pope!

The rules are simple. Arrange the following eight qualities in order of importance, and the Ecclestron^TM computer will find you a Holy Father that matches your choice!

A. Infallible

B. Invisible

C. Inscrutable

D. Incorrigible

E. Indefatigable

F. Impossible

G. Indomitable

H. Inflatable

Warning: these pictures were posed by models, and not all of them are popes.

The qualities currently preferred, according to a poll organized by ACTA, are papal invisibility, incorrigibility and inflatability. Whereas those dreadful traddies prefer infallibility, indomitability and indefatigability.