Intern takes over Pope's Twitter account

Twitter went into meltdown this week (I'm sorry, we're using Daily Telegraph journalistic style here), when the @pontifex Twitter account was handed over to Eddie, a 15-year-old intern, for the day, rather than being used for computer-generated Dalai-Lama-style platitudes, as is usually the case.

Eddie responds to the queries of the faithful.

@pontifex: Hi, it's Eddie here. I'm hoping to become Pope one day, so I'm getting some work experience. Send me your questions!

@CardinalBurke: Bless you, Eddie. I don't suppose you've got the answers to my dubia, have you?

@pontifex: Hi, Eminence! I'll have a hunt round and see whether they've fallen down the back of the sofa or something!

Hello, Eddie!

@MelindaGates: Why doesn't the Church change its teaching on contraception? I am married to a very rich man, and so I expect value for money!

@pontifex: I'm only 15, Melinda, so this isn't really a problem for me. Still, we keep getting Do you wish to install the new Magisterium? messages, so maybe that's something to do with it?

@MelindaGates: I'm still confused about why Vatican I was followed by Vatican II, and not Vatican 98 or Vatican XP (isn't XP Christian?)

@pontifex: I'm told that the boss is going to call a new Vatican Council soon, to make Italian the official language of the Church and ban Latin for all time. I'll ask him if we can call it Vatican Vista.

@caroline_flack: Eddie, have you seen Love Island?

@pontifex: Sorry, Caroline, Mum won't let me watch it. But we do have a new Vatican TV show, Hate Island, where we send Spadaro, Winters, Rosica, Ivereigh, Martin, Mickens, etc. to an island and get them to write insulting articles about Catholics.

@michael_voris: Can I vote for Spadaro to be eaten by a crocodile?

@pontifex: No crocodiles, Michael. It seems that we've only got vultures, snakes, poisonous spiders, and blood-sucking bats. Oh, sorry, that's the list of participants!

@austeni: I was licking the corridor clean outside the Pope's apartment today, and saw the sign "Vietato Lamentarsi". What's all that about, Eddie?

@pontifex: Well, Austen, according to Google translate, it means "Forbidden to complain". We're all under orders to smile, smile, smile!

Your new-look Swiss Guards.

Nehemiah

So it's welcome back to our class of atheists and other beginners, as we resume the Eccles Bible project after the break. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas (er, just Mas in your case!), and wish you a Happy Nehemiah.

Anyway, to recap, here we are in the 5th century BC, and the Jews have been in exile in Babylon. As we saw last time, Ezra (Esdras) has brought some of them back to Jerusalem.

What ho, Nehemiah! Any chance of one of your pick-me-ups?

This is the tale of Nehemiah, the cup-bearer of King Artaxerxes of Persia, who retrains as a builder (or maybe architect) in order to get Jerusalem rebuilt. Ezra turns up again later in the Book of Nehemiah, and he is now billed as a priest and scribe,

Our hero rebuilds the walls of Jerusalem.

In the above picture Nehemiah is presumably the one reading the plans, rather than the ones doing the actual building, but one can never be sure. Perhaps the other chaps are the sons of Hassenaah, who built the Fish Gate (see Chapter 3); or possibly Malchiah the son of Rechab who was told to repair the Dung Gate. It was a true poet who named these gates.

This is what Nehemiah has on his scroll.

Actually, talking of Gates, we have Bill and Melinda here today in our Bible class for the first time. Welcome, guys! No mention of Windows in this book, I'm afraid, but I suppose you'll enjoy Jeremiah when we get to it, with its For death is come up through our Windows. I wonder whether Jerry was thinking of you there?

Half way through the book, Ezra attends to the spiritual needs of the people (now that their deliveries of fish and dung have been sorted out), and after a bit of prayer and penance they once again promise to keep the Law.

A delivery of fish.

Nehemiah actually becomes the effective governor of Jerusalem; he later pops off back to Persia to do some more cup-bearing, before returning to find that the Jews have gone off the rails yet again. So he fixes that.

In next month's instalment we have a choice: we can follow the Protestant Bible and jump straight onto Esther (so to speak), or take the Catholic and Orthodox line, and include Tobit and Judith.

Tobit or not Tobit? That is the question.

We'll discuss Tobit next. Class dismissed.

The Pope's first tweet

Announcer: Over now to the Vatican, where our reporter Ecclesiam is ready to give us an eye-witness account of the Pope's debut on Twitter.

Doing my first Tweet 4U all, ROFL.

Thank you. Well the papal procession is just entering the 14th century Chapel of Friar Stephen the garrulous. I can see Cardinal Pepperoni, Custodian of the Papal Tablet - there was some fuss there, because the Holy Father didn't really think that it was Catholic enough - and next to him Archbishop Cento E. Quaranta, the Secretary of the Congregation for Microblogging.

A pre-Vatican II computer.

It was originally thought that the Holy Father would be using the Vatican's medieval mainframe computer, XIMENES (the "Inquisitorial Engine," as it was known), but finally modern technology was chosen for this historic moment.

Well, all the characters involved in this ceremony have now entered the chapel, a total of 140, apparently. The Pope, dressed in mitre, fanon, and other papal robes, is saying a short prayer, blessing the computer and the internet as a whole.

It's not clear what the Pope will do next. Perhaps he will catch up on the blogs that he relies on to know what is happening in the world - Damian Thompson, Eccles, Father Z, and so on, first? I know that he is keen to see the photo of a fried egg that Father Z ate for breakfast this morning.

A breakfast fit for a pope. Will Benedict be uploading this photo?

Perhaps the Pope will go onto Facebook first, and update his status: "Infallible" is all very well, but more details would be welcome. No, he's removed his mitre, and, seating himself in the swivel chair once used by St Augustine, he's logging on to Twitter.

In the background we can hear the choir performing Bach's Cantata Domine Defende Nos Contra Fenestram Caeruleam Mortis (Lord, Defend us from the Blue Screen of Death).

For death is come up through our Windows (Jeremiah 9:21).

Well, Pope Benedict is shielding his hands as he types in the papal password. He had trouble when he went to the Vatican cashpoint to withdraw some beer money last week, and noticed Hans Küng standing behind him in the queue. The Holy Father was very worried that Professor Küng had seen him type in his PIN... It could be embarrassing now if the Pope's arch-rival were to hack into his account and start making "infallible" statements.

Advisers have been on hand so that the Pope does not inadvertently choose an easily-guessed password. BENEDICT, VATICAN and IAMTHEBOSS would have been a little too obvious.

White smoke indicates that HABEMUS PIPIENDUM.

Yes, the moment has come. Pope Benedict has spoken to the world, a message of greeting and blessing. Already 1 million people are retweeting it, Richard Dawkins is composing some smartass reply, and second-rate comedians like Eccles are trying to think of jokes to make.

And the Pope is now dismissing us with the traditional words Ite, Pipiendum est!

Same-sex marriage service

With Barack Obama and David Cameron anxious to bring same-sex "marriage" to a grateful USA and UK, the more advanced churches are already preparing suitable liturgies for the happy day. We have been given permission to publish some responses, included in the service to ensure that the happy couple only adhere to orthodox doctrines.

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Q. Do you turn to Bill Gates? Do you worship Windows? Do you regard the blue screen of death as a promise of future life?

A. We sure do. What's more, when we get "program not responding" messages we shall not ask ourselves "just what the Hell is the computer doing, instead of what it was designed for?" We shall have faith in the eventual resurrection of Windows.

A believer in eternal life

Q. Do you renounce Chick-fil-A and all its works? Do you promise never to eat another chicken sandwich? (Here he may take a chicken sandwich and jump on it, shouting "Evil!")

A. We promise this. How dare they talk about "traditional" values? We're really cross! (Here the congregation may stamp its feet or give a petulant flounce, as the minister may direct.) From now on, it's Colonel "Muriel" Sanders all the way!

Diabolical symbols denoting infinite evil

Q. Do you praise and worship the Henson Corporation? Do you believe in Kermit our Lord, Piggy our Lady, and their only son Ed?

A: We believe in them. Lovely boy, Ed. Hasn't he got his father's eyes?

Lookalike: our Lord Kermit and his son Ed

Priest: Super!

Ocult cymbals

I is gonna interupt my account of de plaques dat is inflictin my dere bruvver Bosco, because he have drawn my atention to a new menace... ocult cymbals!

Dey is evrywhere. Look at dis one. I seen it on my computter, perhaps its a virrus sent by Sattan.

Note dat it is full of mysstic cymbalism. It got de cross in the middle of 4 squares. De cross is a blasphemous thing wot leads Cathlics into iddletory, dey kisses it. Note also de XP, dat's Greek, it's de first letters of Christ, Bosco tells me. You sees it in some churches, but dey is blashpeming, takin de name of de Lord in vane. I was told dat dis cymbal means windows. Ha ha, I sez. You cant see frew four colored bits of glass, so dat's reely a cymbal wot means OK buster we is not lettin any lihgt frew, so you aint saved.

Dis one is a Brittish coin. Note dat in de Episstle of Peter, de Devil is describbed as a roarin lion seekin who he may devuor. (So is Anti Moly, but dat aint de point rihgt now.) It just goes to show dat de Brittish is enslaved by Sattanic forces, and even de people in de Royal Mint is servants of de Evil One. Why dey has even put a crown on de lion's head to show dat he is de king. Probbably dey is Cathlics, noboddy else would worhsip a lion.

Finally, dis example is proof dat de Telegrahp is takin us back to de dark ages wiv a caballistic loggo. Bosco explaned dis to me, dat if you looks at it carefully you sees a crecsent, which is de cymbal of Isslam. I fink de T stands for Thopmson. He's a well-known Cathlic (he claims to have joined de Calumny Chappel but I aint so sure now). He aint much better than a demmon, accordin to Bosco.

We has to be on our gaurd, dem ocult cymbals is everywhere!