When the bishop's away...

I regularly monitor the "Bishop's Engagements" page of the Catholic media, just to keep an eye on our lads, and make sure that they are not participating in any gay masses, clown masses, asparagus festivals, surreptitious 'ordination' of women, Freemason parties or chats with ACTA. However, this week's notices are rather dull, as our shepherds are all away at the Bishops' Conference in Palazzola, Rome.

Getting ready for a hard week's bishoping.

In fact, the way the bishops describe their absence is very revealing. In decreasing order of holiness we find "Attends Spring Plenary Meeting and Retreat, Palazzola, Rome" / "Bishop's Conference, Palazzola" / "Pub crawl, Palazzola" / "Wild orgy, Palazzola". But the fact remains, THEY ARE ALL AWAY THIS WEEK.

This is my chance to take over the Catholic Church in England and Wales while nobody is looking.

Eccleston Square, headquarters of the bishops.

After a bit of consultation on Twitter, I came up with the following changes that seemed worth making:

1. Restore the Holy Days of Obligation to their original dates, rather than pushing them off to the nearest Sunday. Thus Ascension Day and Corpus Christi return to Thursday, and Ed Balls Day (April 28th) and Star Wars Day (May 4th) to the days on which they actually should fall. All plans to move Good Friday and Christmas to Sunday are to be cancelled.

2. Implement Vatican II, not the Spirit of Vatican II. So the altars will conveniently be moved so that the priest can face God, rather than have his back to Him. Latin will become the principal language of the liturgy, thus removing all debates about translations. Obviously statements such as "There is coffee afterwards in the Annibale Bugnini Memorial Hall" may be made in English, although we may choose to rename the hall.

3. The complete and utter banning of hymns by Paul Inwood, Kevin Mayhew, Damian Lundy, Bernadette Farrell, Graham Kendrick, Estelle White, William McGonagall, etc.

"The world is full of smelly feet." Banned from Mass. [click to enlarge]

4. All mention of Amoris Laetitia to be banned until Pope Francis condescends to tell us what it's about by answering the Dubia.

5. The instant excommunication of women 'priests', people who 'ordain' women as 'priests', people who campaign for women to be 'ordained' as 'priests', etc. Oh, and let's close down Roehampton's Department of Human Studies and Catholic Flourishing just to be on the safe side.

How many errors can you spot in this picture?

Of course, when Cardinal Nichols returns from Rome and discovers that the Church has become unrecognisable in his absence, he's likely to be a little bit cross, but think how much good it will do him.

A remembrance service for departed politicians

I am the re-election and the life, saith the Lord: he that believeth in me, though he were rejected by voters, yet shall he live, peradventure to return to the world by a by-election, or peradventure to enter the heavenly House of Lords. Failing that, to be blessed with directorships, consultancies, and other means by which the world poureth out money on the otherwise unemployable.

Man that is elected to parliament hath but a short time to serve, and causeth a lot of misery by his meddling. He cometh up, and is cut down, like a flower; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one eternal government.

Three polticians (two of them also walking dead) remember the fallen.

Forasmuch as it hath pleased Almighty God, in his wise providence, to take out of parliament the souls of our deceased brothers, we therefore commit them to the dustbin of history; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, toast to toast; looking for a general re-election on the last day of the new administration.

We remember in particular the following brothers who have been taken from us:

Edward Edwin Edgar Edmund Balls, he whose testament to the world, "Ed Balls", is forever remembered in "Ed Balls Day". Although his cutting off leaves the House of Commons emasculated, may the holy day of April 28th (or, if the bishops choose, a convenient Sunday nearby) ever be used to remember him; yeah, even when his works have faded into history and the deficit is no more.

Ed Balls, clad in robes of white.

George Saddam Felix Galloway, many times winner of the "most obnoxious man in politics" award. Well, the less said about him, the better. May he be granted seventy-two virgins in Paradise, preferably Jewish ones.

Possibly the last we shall see of George Galloway. I'm an optimist.

Vincent Nijinsky Cable, dancer extraordinaire and politician ordinaire, he who was unplugged before his time; and Mark Lemming Reckless, of whom we never heard until he decided to sing a new song to the Lord, which proved his undoing.

And there are many others, mostly dressed in robes of red and yellow, whose names are already forgotten.

I heard a voice from Heaven, saying unto me: Write, From henceforth blessed are the dead who are thrown out: for they rest, and we have peace from their foolishness.

"Mwahahahahaha!" Sometimes the undead come back to haunt us.

The priest is asked NOT to mention wailing and gnashing of teeth, even though there is a lot of this going on in BBC interviews, etc.

[At this point Messrs Cameron, Miliband and Clegg will lay wreaths at the eight-foot "Edstone". Mr Cameron will endeavour to stop giggling, before departing to visit some more fish markets. Mr Miliband will trip and fall, before leaving to seek spiritual advice from the Venerable Brand. Mr Clegg will depart in a taxi with the rest of his MPs.]

Life goes on: Theresa May teaches liturgical dancing to a group of new MPs.

Sex-selective murder is not prohibited

In the UK, we have traditionally taken a dim view of murder. Of course, the law has always recognised exceptions: when the killer's life is in danger, or someone else's, then killing may be allowed (the self-defence plea). Moreover, murder on health grounds - assisted suicide - is not usually prosecuted as it would not be "in the public interest". You're not interested in the fact that old Mrs Goggins was bumped off, are you? Well, you've no right to be.

"I don't need any assistance, thank you very much."

Still, things have drifted slightly since the 1960s, and it became necessary to clarify whether one was allowed to bump someone off on the basis of their gender (sex). Having Auntie Moly around the house all day long drinking gin is such a nuisance, and I would have preferred an uncle, with whom I would have had more in common. He would probably have helped with the garden too. Auntie Moly's presence is damaging my health, indeed you might exaggerate 100 times and say that my life is in danger. So I can murder her, right?

WRONG. The law forbids this. Or does it?

"Legislation isn't needed," says Yvette Cooper.

Yvette Cooper ("the only woman with Balls" as a rude joke has it) thinks that legislation to clarify this matter would be a bad idea. As explained by Tim Stanley, the arguments against making sex-selective murder illegal are:

0. It's already illegal, but we mustn't say so, as that will stop 
people from doing it.
1. Using the word "murder" isn't in the spirit of anti-murder 
legislation.
2. There are faults specific to each sex, e.g. men are lazy and women 
are garrulous (or vice-versa) and so, er, this is a bad idea.
3. Stopping murders may cause people to murder, in frustration at not 
being allowed to murder.
4. It stigmatises the "murdering community".

Jack the Ripper. Chose his victims by gender, but don't stigmatise him!

So, no change there, then. Murder remains mostly illegal, even though everyone's doing it. Murder on the basis of the victim's sex is also illegal, but we mustn't say so. And in fact, the law will probably turn a blind eye if you try it. British justice - the finest in the world!

Same-sex marriage service

With Barack Obama and David Cameron anxious to bring same-sex "marriage" to a grateful USA and UK, the more advanced churches are already preparing suitable liturgies for the happy day. We have been given permission to publish some responses, included in the service to ensure that the happy couple only adhere to orthodox doctrines.

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Q. Do you turn to Bill Gates? Do you worship Windows? Do you regard the blue screen of death as a promise of future life?

A. We sure do. What's more, when we get "program not responding" messages we shall not ask ourselves "just what the Hell is the computer doing, instead of what it was designed for?" We shall have faith in the eventual resurrection of Windows.

A believer in eternal life

Q. Do you renounce Chick-fil-A and all its works? Do you promise never to eat another chicken sandwich? (Here he may take a chicken sandwich and jump on it, shouting "Evil!")

A. We promise this. How dare they talk about "traditional" values? We're really cross! (Here the congregation may stamp its feet or give a petulant flounce, as the minister may direct.) From now on, it's Colonel "Muriel" Sanders all the way!

Diabolical symbols denoting infinite evil

Q. Do you praise and worship the Henson Corporation? Do you believe in Kermit our Lord, Piggy our Lady, and their only son Ed?

A: We believe in them. Lovely boy, Ed. Hasn't he got his father's eyes?

Lookalike: our Lord Kermit and his son Ed

Priest: Super!

Yet more bloggs

St Gordon of Kirkcaldy
By Mary Drilled

Mary Drilled's photo marks the 100th anniversary of the death of Bram Stoker

Gordon Brown now spends his days in retirement in a darkened room in Kirkcaldy, his only reward being an MP's pittance of £65,000, together with necessary expenses (most recently, an invoice from Jock McBogey's Glazing Repairs, for a window damaged by a flying laser-printer, £300+VAT). But until 2010 he was the most powerful man in the free world, the saviour of civilization as we know it. The verdict of history on Gordon Brown will surely be: We Owe So Much.

 Of course Ed Miliband is wonderful too, so handsome, so masterful. He can't make his eyes revolve in opposite directions at the same time, as Ed Balls can, but let's face it, is that really a necessary qualification to be PM? But it is Gordon whose photo I have on my bedside table, the Pride of Scotland.

Surely this man is a god?

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Viagra, sex, and pianist envy
By James Hordes

As a famous but iconoclastic pianist  - I'll get a better picture later, but I never really understood the instructions in those photo booths - I went to a concert recently. It featured a new sensational Chinese pianist, Miss To Tee. I can't remember much about what she was playing (it was one of those seriously uncool dudes, Beethoven, maybe) but I did notice that she certainly wasn't "flat". As I munched my way through a packet of Viagra tablets, and swelled to a climax with the melody, I said to myself, "Yes! This is what classical music is all about!"

Damian Thompson can keep his Bach (that Baroque wig he wears when he thinks nobody is watching doesn't suit him anyway). Give me To Tee tickling the ivories any day. Or the new CD set  from Cora Bimbo, in the deluxe edition with extra photos. YES!!!

Playing Fauré's Dolly Bird Suite

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Is Monbiot trying to kill me?
By James Goldenpile

I was eating my cold toast for breakfast today (no warming required), when I was struck by a terrible thought: is George Monbiot trying to kill me? Call me paranoid if you like, but I remember that the last time I appeared on Any Questions? with him, he was carrying an umbrella, and I am fairly sure that it was he who jabbed me in the leg half-way through the programme. I was explaining once more how Michael Mann had produced his hockey-stick graph by massaging his data, adding in his friends' telephone numbers and converting them to Fahrenheit. But the warmists are up to their dirty tricks as usual.

There's definitely a Libtard conspiracy to suppress the truth. Indeed, the man on the Sainsbury's fish counter looks suspiciously like Al Gore, and is obviously ready to slip me a poisoned haddock if I let my vigilance slip. But Monbiot is at the centre of it. He's a master of disguise too - the old lady who nearly barged me off the pavement yesterday didn't look anything like him, so that proves it.

Phew, it's cold today, isn't it? I told you there was an ice-age coming.

There's something sinister about him, don't you think?

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Concluded here.