Kane and Able

Ullo Bosco, is you cross wiv your little bruvver Eccles? I is beginnin to suspect dat we has Kane and Able all over agin.

If you looks at Genessis you sees de storry of Kane and Abel. De Lord said unto dem, "You gotta write bloggs my lads and we'll see which one I likes best".

So Kane, who was de big bruvver and de leeder, he wrote a very powerfull blogg all about how he hated peeple, espeshully Cathlics, and dat he liked talkin about what peeple did in de tiolet. De little bruvver, Able, he wrote a blogg full of love and affection for his big bruvver Bosco, er I mean Kane, and tellin of his spiritaul juorney to Salivation.

Den de Lord reeds de bloggs and he says "Dats a mihgty fine blogg Kane, but I fink little bruvver Eccles, er I mean Able, has got nearer to bein saved."

Den Kane he got very wrathfull and he smote little Able. Dat means Able got deaded.

Now dis is only an old storry, and aint very rellevant todday, but I has noticed three odd things todday, Bosco dere, and I was wonderin if you could advise me.

1. Dere was a snake in my bed last nihgt and I dont remember puttin him dere.
2. I opened de cubbpoard just now to get out a saints statue to kiss, and out fell an ax what neerly hit me.
3. Dis is de strangest, some secrett admirer have given me some sweeties. I don't know dem, is dey any good?

Off to see de physchaitrist

Ullo dere Bosco, I hopes you dont mind me reveelin your confiddential meddical records, but I fink it will help peeple to unnderstand your plihgt.

We went to see de physchaitrist Dr Fraud, who looked after Bosco a few weeks ago when we was stayin wiv Damain Thopmson in de Mabeldurrum Home for de Dangerously Loony. Poor Bosco he cant sleep he wakes up in de nihgt cryin "Keep dem cement iddles away from me! De Pope's gonna burn me! Eccles you is reely Hilda! I aint saved!"

Dr Fraud says dere is nuffin to worry about Bosco... he will write to de Pope pussonally to ask him not to burn you, and also dat Jessus phoned him up to say you is probbably saved too, but keep writtin your luvly blogg to be absolutley certtain of Salivation, all de folks in Heaven is waitin for de next installmeant. We can't do much about Bosco's bad dreams about cement iddles, but Dr Fraud he gonna double de dose of Fruitcakol, de meddicine for dem wots got severe halluccinations.

We asked Dr Fraud if he wanted to keep Bosco in for obbservation, and he started foammin at de mouf and hittin his own head against de wall, I fink dat means not just now.

Meanwhile, dey is startin to do some converssions to de Calumny Chappel, so dat we can have a larger torcher chamber in de bassement. De workman broke his pickax and asked us "Eccles and Bosco, does you have a pickax to lend me for de converssions?" Bosco he replies, yes, he had been usin one on some Cathlics only other day. He werent sure if dey was converted now, but he had made some major adjusments to deir faces.

Bosco, dere bruvver, if you is feelin a little better now, has you got any oppinions on dis Cathlic iddle? Why is it standin by a grabage bin?