Conversion of St Donald not universally popular

Syria, 35 AD.

Many Christians have welcomed the recent conversion of Donald of Tarsus, who recently "saw the light" on the Damascus March for Life. Not previously seen as a major religious figure, Donald is now expected to be a play a significant part in the development of the Church.

"I heard a mighty beating drum, and knew that it was evil."

We asked St Donald whether he would be expressing his teachings in a selection of epistles, which might later be collected for publication. Apparently, he tends to communicate in shorter theological documents called "tweets", and the plan is to number them and arrange them as verses. The first collection will be called the First Epistle to the Democratians.

Donald's previous life has of course not been irreproachable. There was a stoning incident, known as STEPHENGATE, in which he is said to have been involved - so much so that he was even impeached for this. Still, there is more joy in Heaven over one sinner that repenteth than in 99 Tablet readers who need no repentance, as someone once said.

A very senior churchman, St Philip, has welcomed Donald's participation in the March for Life, and this seems to be the officially correct attitude to take. However, Tina Beata, the Holy Land's expert on Human Flourishing, disagrees.

Oops! St Donald (also known as The President) made the mistake of not being female.

Fr James Martin tries Conversion Therapy

The subject of "Conversion Therapy" or "Reparative Therapy" is controversial, and according to that top papal adviser Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, "such programs have been discredited by nearly every reputable psychiatrist, cause immense psychological harm to people, and 'cure' nothing."

Thus it came as a surprise when Fr Jim knocked on the door of the Dr Eccles Clinic and demanded conversion.

The patient, before Conversion Therapy.

We strapped him down in a chair, attached electrodes to him, and injected him with Ecclesine, the new wonder conversion drug.

Day 1. The patient begins to revise his views on Biblical teaching. He concedes that perhaps Jesus did not get His best ideas from the Canaanite Woman, and that maybe after all Mary Magdalene was not "the Church" between the time of the Crucifixion and the Resurrection.

Day 2. The patient admits that it is just possible that the Holy Spirit is male, and not female.

Day 3. Big strides forward. The patient burns his collection of Pachamama idols, and the collected works of Austen Ivereigh. He admits that America Magazine is "rubbish from beginning to end".

"This garden-gnome will have to go!" says Fr Jim.

Day 4. Another success! Fr Jim starts regretting his obsession with LGBT issues, and says that "building bridges" is not the answer. He doesn't quite go as far as admitting the existence of sin, but things are looking promising.

Day 5. Another surprising statement from Fr Jim: "Thomas Merton was a dirty old man and a heretic!" He decides to abandon his Jesuit membership, and says that "Ignatian Yoga destroys your soul and causes hernias."

Day 6. We try giving the patient a Bible, a Penny Catechism, and a copy of the Eccles blog. This proves to be too much at this early stage, and he is rushed into intensive care, suffering from an overdose of Spiritual Nourishment.

Day 7. The patient is given a copy of the Catholic Herald, and manages to digest it without becoming feverish. Soon he will be ready for undiluted Catholicism.

Surely that's a Catholic priest?

Day 8. The Conversion is Complete! Fr Jim is now a fully orthodox Catholic. Perhaps, indeed, we have gone too far: he is reading all the conservative blogs and making derogatory comments about Amoris Laetitia. What would Pope Francis say?

How social media bring people to the Catholic Church

In the news this week is Youtuber (whatever that is) Lizzie Estrella Reezay, who has announced her conversion to Catholicism. Apparently, social media are bringing in converts by the zillion: this blog will try and discover why.

"I owe it all to reading the Eccles blog."

Says one convert, "I feel that the Catholic Church is truly united behind Pope Francis at present. There is a general sense of well-being. He has solved the problems of China, by allowing them to appoint their own bishops, and probably the next Pope as well. He has waved his hand and made all the sex and financial scandals vanish into thin air. He has written a document on marriage and the family, Amoris Laetitia, that everyone can agree on. He has made some brilliant appointments of cardinals, by choosing the most unlikely people! What a time to be alive!"

"I'll have the shepherd's pie, made with real shepherds." No wonder people would rather be Catholics.

Said another convert, "I like the way new Catholics are made welcome. Austen Ivereigh - surely one of the giants of Catholic journalism - has described us as neurotic, and he is spot on! Then there's Professor Doctor Doctorior Doctorissimus Massimo Faggioli, a man whose knowledge of Catholic theology since 2013 (when the subject was invented) is second to none: he has warned us against conservative converts, and quite right too. Apparently the Catholic catechism will soon contain a section explaining that we should support Marxism, and that's only fair."

"Walter Kasper is my hero. A pillar of orthodoxy and traditional teaching."

Another convert spoke of the powerful work of Father James Martin LGBTSJ in driving people into the Catholic Church. "His new book, Digging a hole, is pure genius, and explains how we should all strive to go downhill. As explained in the papal encyclicals Facilis descensus Averno and Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate, there is wide path that we can all follow, paved with good intentions, and this is the way he wants Catholics to go."

But why do people rely on social media for their spiritual nourishment? Instead, could the Catholic Church not appoint people as leaders - you know, generally-respected shepherds of the sheep, who could give guidance? We would expect such people to speak out on issues of public concern. I've even thought of a name for them - bishops!

A bishop, showing leadership.

No, there's no hope there, and so people are driven to social media for guidance.

A final word from another convert: "In the end, the most effective tool for Evangelisation is surely the Eccles blog. Pope Francis is a regular reader of his "How to be a good pope" advice column; Peter Hitchens has never been the same since it was pointed out to him that Queen Elizabeth I martyred Catholics; Antonio Spadaro hangs on his every word. It can't be long before these three people (and many others) come out as Catholics." He's right, you know.

Catholic converts - are they all nutters?

A special in-depth analysis for Crux, by Austen Ivereigh, with additional insults from Michael Sean Winters and Massimo Faggioli.

Converts!!?? Arentchasickofem??!! Blimey, I think they're all neurotic!!?? Not like me!!?? I've got a badge from my brain-care specialist saying that I am "almost sane"!!??

Shouldn't all converts wear one of these??!! Stands to reason, innit!!??

Pope Francis tells me that he has a serious problem with converts. Unlike most Catholics they have actually taken the trouble to study the teachings of the Catholic Church, and they keep tripping him up every time he gets it wrong. This is what we intellectuals call "a distorted hermeneutic". Curiously, that's also what my doctor told me I had got, when I strained myself throwing stones at converts. But I no longer need to wear a truss for it.

When I was press secretary to the Archbishop of Westminster, he drew my attention to a little-known convert called St Paul. We don't hear much about him these days, but my researches have shown that he was clearly neurotic!! Well, there you are then!!

Edith Stein - another neurotic convert. H/T @drcrouchback

A neurosis is a pathological or extreme reaction to something that simply doesn’t correspond to reality. For example, a sample of Crux readers were asked for their reactions to my writing:

10% were suicidal,
20% said "I'm a teapot, I'm a teapot",
50% had severe bruising to their heads through repeated facepalms,
and the other 20% said they could no longer sleep with the light out in case the Ivereigh Monster came to eat them up.

Oh, I forgot John Allen, who simply said, "FANTASTIC STUFF, AUSTEN!! KEEP GOING!!"

A friend in Ireland writes: "I keep seeing people who seem to have converted because they believe what the Church teaches. What a change from the old days, when Catholics were Catholics because their parents were, and it was considered bad form to mention religion at home!"

Enda, you're right!!

Enda Kenny, the most prominent "Catholic Voice" in Ireland!!

Conversion should be an act of humility. New Catholics should say themselves "Am I as humble as Austen Ivereigh?" They should forget all that they have learned about Catholic doctrine, and listen to the wise voices of people like me. It means faith - in the Pope and in me!! It means trusting that the Pope is guiding the Holy Spirit, and that I can do no wrong!!

Francis is the first to invite criticism - it bounces off him like water off a duck's back. Yes, he is always willing to clarify Catholic teaching, as Cardinal Meisner could have told you, if he hadn't died while waiting for an answer!!

So, let's have no more converts!!?? They're all nutters!!??

Off to see de physchaitrist

Ullo dere Bosco, I hopes you dont mind me reveelin your confiddential meddical records, but I fink it will help peeple to unnderstand your plihgt.

We went to see de physchaitrist Dr Fraud, who looked after Bosco a few weeks ago when we was stayin wiv Damain Thopmson in de Mabeldurrum Home for de Dangerously Loony. Poor Bosco he cant sleep he wakes up in de nihgt cryin "Keep dem cement iddles away from me! De Pope's gonna burn me! Eccles you is reely Hilda! I aint saved!"

Dr Fraud says dere is nuffin to worry about Bosco... he will write to de Pope pussonally to ask him not to burn you, and also dat Jessus phoned him up to say you is probbably saved too, but keep writtin your luvly blogg to be absolutley certtain of Salivation, all de folks in Heaven is waitin for de next installmeant. We can't do much about Bosco's bad dreams about cement iddles, but Dr Fraud he gonna double de dose of Fruitcakol, de meddicine for dem wots got severe halluccinations.

We asked Dr Fraud if he wanted to keep Bosco in for obbservation, and he started foammin at de mouf and hittin his own head against de wall, I fink dat means not just now.

Meanwhile, dey is startin to do some converssions to de Calumny Chappel, so dat we can have a larger torcher chamber in de bassement. De workman broke his pickax and asked us "Eccles and Bosco, does you have a pickax to lend me for de converssions?" Bosco he replies, yes, he had been usin one on some Cathlics only other day. He werent sure if dey was converted now, but he had made some major adjusments to deir faces.

Bosco, dere bruvver, if you is feelin a little better now, has you got any oppinions on dis Cathlic iddle? Why is it standin by a grabage bin?