Zen and the art of Michael Lofton maintenance

The story so far:

You are a middle-aged man with a big head and a small beard, running a popular and lucrative website that some days has more than three viewers. Then guess what! Some jumped-up cardinal says cruel things about you!

It is your DUTY to put this Zen chap in his place!

This old man from Japan (memo: check this) dares to criticise Fiducia Supplicans - you know, that very important magisterial letter that told us that homosexual couples should be /blessed/ /shown the door/ /kissed/ /sent off to join the Jesuits/ ... well, we're not sure what, as the rules change every day. Still, priests can probably get away with blessing them provided that they cross their fingers while doing so, do not take more than 16.314 seconds over the task, and provided that the parties do not form a couple, but a pair, or possibly a brace, duo, or dyad. And the blessing must not look like a wedding - so no white dresses, bridesmaids, flowers, crying, or Wagner's immortal tune "Here comes the bride, short, fat and wide."

"I'll bet that this jumped-up cardinal doesn't even have tattoos all over his body!"

Well, you've got this Zen chap over a barrel now. He needs to be laicised, put on the rack, and (worst of all) forced to watch 200 hours of videos from your website "Reason and Theology - only joking, folks!" For he is clearly denying the Hermitage of Continuity, Vatican II, and the divinity of Pope Francis, and he is probably a Buddhist anyway, what with a crazy name like Zen.

Ha ha ha! Serve him right!

But HE BITES BACK. He tells people to stop wasting their "Michael's Pence" on your website, and instead to find a grown-up who knows what he's talking about!

You aren't standing for that! STEP 1: kick the cat. STEP 2: well, we'll think of something.

Next week: Cardinal Zen tells us what he thinks of Austen Ivereigh, Fr James Martin SJ, and "speedy" Cupich - who has just broken the record for the fastest ever Eucharistic procession.

Cardinal Cupich leads the procession (cue Yakety-Sax music).

Fr James Martin turned into pillar of salt

We regret that Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, the well-known activist and alleged Jesuit priest, suffered an incident today in which he was turned into a pillar of salt.

A photo taken just before the incident.

Father Martin was going about his normal clerical business, blessing a "gay couple" in accordance with his intepretation of the latest papal document "Fiducia supplicans" (we don't use Latin much these days, but it apparently means "Fiddled the accounts", and was written as an homage to Cardinal Becciu). Eye-witnesses of what happened after that are a little confused, but we do have a photo of the scene shortly afterwards.

Spot the difference!

At this point a witty pun, something like "That's your Lot, Jimmy," would be appropriate, but it would be in bad taste at a time when we are mourning one of the great men of our age. (Actually, Jimbo is said to be still alive, but his activities will henceforth be very limited by his saline nature.)

Church of England agrees to bless everything

Peace has finally arrived in the Church of England, as it has been agreed that from now on all actions, beliefs, and lifestyle choices are to be blessed.

"Bless everything!" says Sir Joseph Pillbox.

More specifically, in the new non-judgemental C of E it is forbidden to condemn or even criticise other people's actions. After all, when Jesus said "Judge not that ye be not judged," what he really meant was "Close your eyes to other people's actions and on no account interfere."

"Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" (Epistle to the Amoralians).

Minority groups in the Church of England have been quick to demand their own blessings. Said one spokesman, Charles Litton of the association of burglars, safe-crackers and jewel thieves: "It will be a great comfort to our members if the local vicar can conduct a short service of blessing before we go out and make a dishonest living."

Said a local vicar, "At first sight some may imagine that stealing is condemned once or twice in the Bible; however, over the years we have managed to get more of an insight into what God really wants from us, and you can take it from me that He really doesn't care if people make a lifestyle choice involving what used to be known as sin."

"Monsieur, I think someone here is in need of a blessing."

As words of confession and forgiveness are deleted from the liturgy - being no longer needed - they are to be replaced by new ceremonies, so that the C of E can provide all-purpose services of blessing: these range from elaborate rituals for blessing conjugal unions involving three men and an elephant, down to "quickies" for people who are planning to pop into the supermarket and shoplift a jar of coffee. From now on, the slogan will be "DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE - JUST MAKE SURE YOU GET A PROPER BLESSING."

"It looks dodgy to me, Brian, but if you're sure you're Blessed..."