This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Church of England agrees to bless everything

Peace has finally arrived in the Church of England, as it has been agreed that from now on all actions, beliefs, and lifestyle choices are to be blessed.

pill box

"Bless everything!" says Sir Joseph Pillbox.

More specifically, in the new non-judgemental C of E it is forbidden to condemn or even criticise other people's actions. After all, when Jesus said "Judge not that ye be not judged," what he really meant was "Close your eyes to other people's actions and on no account interfere."

wise monkeys

"Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" (Epistle to the Amoralians).

Minority groups in the Church of England have been quick to demand their own blessings. Said one spokesman, Charles Litton of the association of burglars, safe-crackers and jewel thieves: "It will be a great comfort to our members if the local vicar can conduct a short service of blessing before we go out and make a dishonest living."

Said a local vicar, "At first sight some may imagine that stealing is condemned once or twice in the Bible; however, over the years we have managed to get more of an insight into what God really wants from us, and you can take it from me that He really doesn't care if people make a lifestyle choice involving what used to be known as sin."


"Monsieur, I think someone here is in need of a blessing."

As words of confession and forgiveness are deleted from the liturgy - being no longer needed - they are to be replaced by new ceremonies, so that the C of E can provide all-purpose services of blessing: these range from elaborate rituals for blessing conjugal unions involving three men and an elephant, down to "quickies" for people who are planning to pop into the supermarket and shoplift a jar of coffee. From now on, the slogan will be "DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE - JUST MAKE SURE YOU GET A PROPER BLESSING."

Courtney and Blessed

"It looks dodgy to me, Brian, but if you're sure you're Blessed..."


  1. Hear, hear !!!

    It's long past time that the outmoded Act of Contrition should be replaced by a twitter selfie !!!

  2. Could they, perhaps bless the Tyburn memorial?

  3. Do they bless Bed and Breakfasts?

  4. Well if every sneeze can be accorded a [God] “Bless you!” I suppose the act of scratching your bac…er, ear - may be accorded a similar benediction.