The trial of Pope Francis

Cardinal Luis Ladaria, Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith: Jorge Mario Bergoglio, alias the Bishop of Rome, alias Pope Francis, alias Peter, alias 'Umble Frank, you are charged with heresy...

Omnes: ...on three counts: heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action - *four* counts.

Ladaria: If there are any more quotations from Monty Python, I shall clear the court. Anyway, where is the defendant?

Guilty or not guilty?

Defence Counsel (Austen Ivereigh QC, Fellow in Contemptible Church History at Campion Hall, Oxford, author of Pope Francis, the Great Redeemer): The Messiah is unable to be here, My Lord, as he does not know of the charges and wouldn't answer them if he did.

Aidan Nichols OP: He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty Pope...

Ladaria: I'm warning you...

Nichols: I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition... oh, well never mind.

Ladaria: Since I am indeed Spanish, I'll let you off with that one. Now, what evidence do you wish to present, Fr Nichols?

Nichols: Amoris Laetitia, the Pope Francis book of insults, 200 reports of very dubious behaviour from LifeSite, etc., wielding this finely-crafted stang, covering up sex crimes, driving the popemobile like a maniac, misbehaving every time he takes an airline flight, contradicting all Catholic doctrine since the 1st century, illegally taking over the Order of Malta, ...

[2 hours later]

Nichols: ... and appointing that compete and utter villain Cupich as a Cardinal.

Ladaria: Serious charges indeed. Does the defence have anything to say?

Ivereigh: Pope Francis is literally Christ, and this is the scribes' fault.

A charge of blasphemy against Dr Ivereigh?

Fr Hunwicke: Better sell your shares in Bergoglio PLC, Austen, they're rapidly becoming worthless.

Massimo Faggioli (screaming): These complaints are all the work of extremists. All the students in my class agree with me - at least the ones who passed did.

Deacon Donnelly: You're just jealous because Fr Nichols is a better theologian than you.

Tina Beattie: Aaagggh! It's Deacon Nick, my mortal enemy. [Faints]

Michael Winters of the Fishwrap: Deep down, the accusers know that Pope Francis is right when he tries to change Catholic doctrine on a daily basis.

Stephen Walford, author of Pope Francis is right even when he's wrong: Exactly, Catholic doctrine is nothing more nor less than what the pope of the day says it is.

The Spanish Inquisition reaches its verdict.

Ladaria: This doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. Does anyone have anything to say, apart from ad hominem attacks?

Jimmy Akin (who he?): None of the signatories to this letter have doctorates in the relevant fields of canon law or sacred theology. Therefore they aren't as clever as I am. My verdict is that the accusations don't amount to heresy.

Ivereigh: Of course not! (To stockbroker on phone): Don't sell the shares just yet.

Nichols: Well, we should perhaps have said apostate, heterodox, dissenter, heresiarch, nonconformist, protestant, schismatic, outcast, separatist...

Ladaria: I've had enough of this. Pope Francis, wherever you may be, I find you not guilty. But don't do it again. Er... who's going to tell him?

Spadaro: Tell him? We don't tell him these things. He hasn't even heard about the Dubia yet!

How to deal with a filial correction

This is part of our self-help guide, "How to be a good Pope", and it deals with your approach to Correction.

About a year ago you received some "dubia" from senior cardinals, asking you to explain Catholic teaching, with particular reference to your apostolic exhortation "The Joy of Sin". As is traditional when Popes are asked to give leadership to their flock, you ignored the dubia entirely, and left it to your poodles - Spider, Bean, Ivory, and a bunch of ludicrously over-promoted cardinals - to gnaw the ankles of anyone who mentioned them.

Time for some firm government at the Vatican!

Now things are getting more serious, as 62 devout Catholics trouble-makers have written a long letter accusing you of spreading heresy on 7 counts. Your first reaction is one of relief - phew, they left out the other 35 charges - but it is all rather embarrassing.

The dubia issue was settled easily enough, and after a year a couple of the cardinals died mysteriously. Fortunately, you have an alibi. However, getting rid of 62 priests and scholars may not be so easy. Take them on a bus trip over a cliff? Invite them to a party with poisoned cakes? Mmm, we'll have to think about this.

Not guilty!

Only one thing to do: issue a new Motu proprio, AD HOMINEM. This entitles people - if they are mates of the Pope - to hurl insults as they wish. The alternative is for us to argue that the letter is in error when it accuses you of being a naughty pope, but you haven't actually got any arguments, have you?

Right, let's attack Dr Joseph Shaw first. He's a Latin Mass junkie, and so is obviously sneering at you because you can't decline "unus-una-unum" (and many of your most notorious Jesuit friends can't decline "sex"). You discard him.

Our hero, Pope John XXII. From the days when popes were real popes.

Then there's Deacon Donnelly, a.k.a. Protect the Faith (which turns out to be incompatible with protecting the Pope). He was stamped on a few years ago by Bishop Campbell, and asked to stop blogging and go for a completely voluntary period of rest and reflection, or else. He seems to have escaped his chains. You discard him.

Oh, and Fr John Hunwicke. I'll bet he wrote all the clever bits of the letter. We can't understand the Aramaic jokes on his blog, anyway. You discard him.

To be honest, you haven't read the letter, and you don't intend to read it. And now that you've blocked the Correctio Filialis website from being accessed in the Vatican (thanks for the idea to our dear friend Kim Jong-un!) nobody else will read it either!

"I have received this letter signed by 62 scholars. We know where you live..."

O.K. team, you know what to do. Spider, deploy the sockpuppets. Bean, keep banging on about how you are more intellectual than the gang of 62. Ivory, play a floating role of tweeting odd comments and writing absurd articles for Crux. Get your mates at the Tablet and Fishwrap to help. Summon the cardinals from their LGBT meetings and get them to attack!

But you, Francis, must under no circumstances answer the letter, or even read it.

An interview with Cardinal Kasper

For many Catholics, Cardinal Walter Kasper, the Vatican's Prefect of the Congregation for Introducing New Heresies, is a Godlike figure. He must be, as otherwise how would he dare to contradict so much teaching from the Son of God Himself? We were determined to interview the man they call "St Wally the Absurd".

We made our way to his Vatican apartment "Dunprayin", and we were admitted by the butler, Tommy Rosica; in fact, Rosica initially tried to block our way, but a shrill cry of "All are welcome, Tommy! Give him Communion, whoever he is!" forced him to let us pass. We did not take Communion.

A scary disguise for Hallowe'en. Heresy or treat?

"How nice to see you, Eccles," said Kasper, as Rosica retired in order to practise martial arts on his "Cardinal Burke" punchbag. "Excuse my lying on the floor - I'm trying to see things from the cat's point of view today. May I offer you a mouse?"

I hastily declined and asked him about his latest claims following the publication of Amoral Lay-Teaching (a blockbuster written by the Pope, with additional material by Cardinals Baldisseri, Cupich, Danneels, Marx, Kasper, Nichols, and Schönborn; also Fr Thomas Reese SJ, Fr James Martin SJ, Fr Tony Flannery, Dame Tina Beattie, Sister Margaret Farley, Mr Joe Biden, Mr Tim Kaine, Prof. Hans Küng, Mr Michael Coren, Mr Ed Stourton, the man at the off-licence, and a very nice devil-worshipper we met at the sauna baths).

Namely, Kasper had decreed that it was not only possible for the divorced and remarried to take communion, but actually a great scandal if they didn't. "That is what we decided at the Synod," he explained, "and it supersedes all the teaching of the last 2000 years.

"Surely the Synod actually refused to agree that?" I asked.

Baal The late Cardinal Martini, who taught Kasper all he knows about orthodoxy.

"Look, if the writers of Amoral Lay-Teaching deliberately put in a footnote saying 'Don't worry about all that SIN nonsense, ha ha ha!' then surely that proves you wrong, Eccles?"

Kasper now got up from the floor. Sticking straws in his hair, pouring custard down his trousers, and painting his nose red ("I've got to go to Mass soon, and need to be properly dressed"), he referred me to his fifteen books on theology and Christology. My German is not very good, but I promised to try and make my way through his magnum opus, Eine Nürnberger Wurst mit Kartoffelsalat, bitte! which, he said, encapsulated the essence of his thought.

So, receiving a friendly parting kick on the backside from Rosica, I said farewell to the greatest theologian of this era, or indeed of any era.

The religion that threatens Christianity

Am I going to attack Islam again? Am I going to have another kick at secular humanism (atheism)? No, there is a worse threat to church-goers. Every Sunday morning one of our great cities is blocked by some "half-marathon" running event (today it was Oxford): the streets are closed, and Christian worshippers cannot get to church. The event could just as easily - and less disruptively - take place on Sunday afternoon, but no, it has to take place at the worst possible time for Christians.

Bad vestments worthy of Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori!

I admit that in my childhood my religious education, although mostly Christian, did include heretical elements such as cross-country and road-running. Every Tuesday we did a 4-mile run, and woe betide you if you did not complete the course in 30 minutes. Being supremely fit I clocked in at 26 minutes, every time. However, being sent on runs could also be used as a punishment, which is why so many "baptised" runners later lapse and follow other forms of worship.

World "Yoof" Day. A huge congregation turns out for a London Marathon Service.

These days I do occasionally run for a bus, but of course this is actually a breach of the 1st Commandment, and needs to be confessed and forgiven. Pope Francis has suggested that we "walk with" people who have dabbled with running. It is true that if a person with running tendencies is truly seeking God, then who are we to judge?

Running is an ancient heresy. The Church of Half-Marathon was founded by the (false) prophet Pheidippides in 490 BC (which is somewhere between Zechariah and Esther in Old Testament terms), and there are references to this religion throughout history.

Peter and John running to the empty tomb. But they were forgiven.

Some runners have become radicalized. Whereas "moderate" runners will dash past you on the pavement with an apologetic "Excuse me", the militant ones shout "Get out of the way!" and are prepared to knock over those who do not follow their faith.

Nowadays, running is the major religion in the Western World. The Islamic countries are less troubled by it - it's too hot - and it is good to see that older people run far less than the youngsters, putting away such childish things as they prepare for the after-life.

As all religions spawn heretical sects, a modernist religion has arisen that also causes great inconvenience to Christian worship - cycling. There are Le Tour de France, Le Tour De Yorkshire, La Tour de Babel, ... all events designed to take over the streets for several days and make it impossible for people of other religions to worship.

Cyclists have special places where they can carry out their disgusting rituals.

Still, all is not gloomy. Pope Francis is expecting to meet the Chief Cyclist soon, and to pray with him as an ecumenical gesture. In these days, we have to live with our neighbour, even if we are shocked by his beliefs.

Mass for the Twitterati

Priest: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Troll 1: Why don't you just crawl off and die? I'm going to kidnap your hamster and make it into a pie.

There's no use looking sweet. They're out to get you.

Worshipper 2: Just block him, Father.

Troll 2: Admit it, you're a sockpuppet of Eccles living simultaneously in Brighton, Corby and Spain.

Worshipper 3: Amen.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. Amen.

Worshipper 4: I've got a dreadful cold and the bus was late and there was a dirty old man on it smelling of haddock.

Worshipper 5: So the restaurant said "Yes, we do take-aways" and I replied "O.K. then, what's 97 minus 61?"

Worshipper 6: ROFL. Or do I mean LOL?

Worshipper 7: 46. No - it's 36.

Troll 3: All Catholics are vile you know. Richard Dawkins calls them "faith-heads". Which proves it.

Worshipper 2: I'm blocking you too.

Richard is wearing his "tasteless shirt of the day".

Priest: If I may continue?

Troll 2: Eccles has got 4 young daughters and 4 donkeys. I have the evidence.

Priest: The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

Worshipper 8: Shouldn't that be "fellowship"?

Worshipper 9: No, Catherine. When did you last go to Mass?

Worshipper 8: 95% of Tablet readers no longer attend Mass. I blame Arthur Roche - he did the new translation.

The guilty party.

Troll 2: Arthur Roche wouldn't let me become a priest, so I put on a biretta and sang rugby songs outside his bedroom window at 3 a.m.

Worshipper 2: I've blocked you.

Worshipper 3: And with your spirit.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. And with your spirit.

Priest: Is the right answer!

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. Is the right answer!

Troll 1: Then I'll steal the Eccles cakes from your kitchen and jump on them.

After a troll attack.

Worshipper 10: Have you seen the "Our new heresy of the week" column in this week's Tablet?

Worshipper 11: No, my father won't have it in the house.

Priest: Brethren, let us acknowledge our sins, and so prepare ourselves to celebrate the sacred mysteries.

Worshipper 2: I've blocked you, Father. No, that can't be right.

Troll 4: Mysteries? You mean Agatha Christie? ROFL.

Priest: Oh, why do I bother?

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that...

Professor Eccles answers your questions

Q: Dear Professor Eccles, I was in London on Thursday, and will be in Rome on Sunday. When and where should I celebrate Ascension Day?

Professor Eccles makes a cup of coffee.

A: This is a difficult question, and to get a meaningful answer, you have to understand my General Theory of Doctrons. These are fundamental particles which emanate from a big machine in Rome called the Magisterium, and transmit Catholic doctrine round the world. Unfortunately, when they reach England they are often blocked on arrival by a chain of jamming devices on the south coast.

Arundel Cathedral - believed to contain a jamming device called a Cathedra.

Anyway, to answer your question, the moment your aeroplane flew over the Channel it would have been hit by a wave of doctrons, and so the correct answer is that you should celebrate Ascension Day the moment that the "Fasten Seatbelts Sign" has been switched off.

A "flying bishop" demonstrates the latest in pneumatic chasubles.

While I'm here, let me tell you of another exciting scientific discovery: the Hereson, or anti-God particle. This one acts as an anti-Doctron: to detect it, scientists sent Hans Küng whizzing round a "collider" under the Alps at high velocity until he collided with Tina Beattie.

Hans Küng meets Tina Beattie and emits a Hereson.

Well that's enough science for today, so let's finish with a photo showing some of the deadly effects of Hereson radiation.

The deadly effects of Hereson Radiation.