Sex education for five-year-olds

It seems that my Mummy, today we played lesbians has been overtaken by events, since the present government now wants to give sex education to five-year-olds, and Labour even plans to inflict "LBGT" education on five-year-olds.

This is where babies come from these days!

Now that fewer and fewer kids are being produced by ordinary sexual relations between two adults of opposite sexes, and more are being produced in laboratories and clinics (anyone want some GM kids?) it is getting harder and harder to answer a five-year-old who asks "Where do babies come from?"

Mummy, was it the stork that brought me? Was I found under a gooseberry bush? Did Mummy and Daddy do something sensuous such as holding hands in the cinema? Or did Dr Frankenstein produce me in his laboratory? So many possible answers...

How babies used to be made.

The thinking behind Labour's proposed "LBGT" indoctrination programme is that kids are calling each other "gay" as an insult in the playground. Naturally, very few five-year-olds know much about sexual relationships unless they have been watching the BBC. (However, Iain Dale claims to have been "gay" since birth, which must have made his watching of the Teletubbies an unusually erotic experience.) From now on, kids will be encouraged to use more scientific terms of abuse such as "you're suffering from same-sex attraction, fish-face" or "your emotional gender does not match your biological gender, bozo."

When Jenny grew up, a lesbian lizard swept her off her feet.

But if unusual sexual relationships will soon be fully accepted by everyone, we shall have more opportunities to fall back on traditional insults, comparing kids to member of the new despised sections of society. "Christian", "Catholic", "Anglican", etc. "Mummy, the kids keep calling me a 'Tablet-reader'..." Or "Headmaster, my little boy came home in tears. The other kids were calling him a 'Member of Parliament'."

Here's how you can test your own political correctness. Do you agree that the scene below is perfectly normal, and that using "flowerpotman" as an insult is a homophobic hate crime? Of course you do.

What two men and a weed get up to in their spare time is no concern of ours!

Progress - ain't it grand?

Damion Thomson treads on our toes

A special hatchet job by Mike Winters, reprinted from the National Protestant Reporter ("Fishwrap").

Damion Thomson (it's Damiun Thomspon. Ed.), who is an associate editor at the Spectator, is a brilliant and wonderful writer, whom we admire very much. However, he has written a piece that is wrong from beginning to end.

Mike (R) and Bernie Winters.

Damyan correctly points out that Pope Francis is a Jesuit: most people don't know this, because they don't read the Fishwrap, where all the newest versions of Catholic belief are written about in sympathetic terms by our own tame Jesuit, Fr Thomas Reese.

Damain claims that Pope Francis isn't a Marxist-Leninist with Stalinist tendencies, as we at the Fishwrap devoutly hoped. Indeed, he says that Francis is not going to change Catholic doctrine in any significant way: for example, Damein thinks that there is no chance that blood-drinking lesbian lizards will be ordained to the priesthood within the next five years. Instead, Damoin claims, the pope's priority is to reform the Roman Curia, forcing all those fat lazy bureaucrats to renounce evil or be fired.

Pope Francis hands out specially blessed P45s (pink slips) to the faceless bureaucrats.

We know better. The pope has previously warned, correctly, about neo-pelagianism and new forms of gnosticism. These are heresies we associate with conservatives - they grow from the same spiritual soil as orthodox beliefs and practices. So we should reject orthodox practices in order to avoid heresy. Er, this doesn't make a lot of sense does it? Never mind, let's skip on to a METAPHOR.

Reforming the Curia, and rewriting Catholicism in the process, are not small beer. But whether they are small or large beer - and mine's a large gin, if you're buying - the pope has reminded us that old wine should not be put into new wineskins, and that work is the curse of the drinking classes, while candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

"We said we'd sue Him if He didn't change water into wine at our same-sex wedding."

These facts are as true as they were two thousand years ago, when the apostles went to the tomb and found that Christ was not there. We are proud to say that, since then, many readers have gone to the pages of the Fishwrap and also found that Christ was not there.

(After 3 months they still haven't corrected the spelling of "Damian". Looking at the original article might have given them a clue. E.)

Vincent Nichols to be new Dr Who

We can reveal exclusively that the BBC has offered the role of the 12th Doctor Who to Vincent Nichols, 67, Archbishop of Westminster and part-time spiritual leader.

The new Doctor poses outside his Tardis.

It is thought that Pope Francis had a hand in Archbishop Nichols's appointment, which can be seen as a consolation prize for his failure to obtain a role in the long-running soap opera The Cardinals.

Some people had suggested that the Dr Who role might go to a woman - actresses such as Tina Beattie and Catherine Pepinster were suggested - but, in the end, the BBC producers decided to remain with tradition, feeling that they did not have the authority to ordain a woman as Dr Who; our Lord Sidney Newman had explicitly called a grumpy old man to be the first Doctor, and the appointment of Nichols is seen as a return to that tradition.

One of the first adventures will involve lesbian lizards in Farm Street, London.

Armed with his new-style sonic screwdriver, modelled on the pectoral cross, the new Doctor will of course be facing his traditional enemies, such as Daleks and Cybermen. However, it may be that some of his adventures will have a more religious emphasis: in particular, we may see the return of the Meddling Monk, who was active in the 1960s.

The Meddling Monk - an old adversary who tried to block Vatican II reforms.

Another foe sure to re-appear before long is the Weeping Angels. In his current role, Vincent Nichols is of course well used to weeping angels - after all, the cries of woe in Heaven whenever a new issue of the Tablet is produced can be heard even in Westminster.

The new Doctor confronts the weeping angels.

It is likely that a new version of the classic Dr Who theme tune will also be produced, and here it is virtually certain that we shall have Paul Inwood's brilliant new arrangement: Wubbledy-wum wubbledy-wum wubbledy-wum ch-ch.

Today the new Doctor was delighted with his new role, especially because of the new opportunities it gives for having his photograph taken.

The new Doctor engages in mind-warfare with a sinister yogi.