Lily the Pink - some new verses

First, to appreciate this post, you need to be familiar with the classic song "Lily the pink". We particularly appreciate this verse for its sensitive handling of transgender issues:

Jennifer Eccles
Had terrible freckles,
And the boys all called her names,
But she changed with 
Medicinal compound:
Now he joins in all the games.

Pioneers of transgender awareness.

Now, here are four new verses.

Murphy-O'Connor
Thought he was a goner
When Austen said he'd misbehaved:
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now he hopes he may be saved.

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order!"

Professor Dawkins
Could not stop his squawkings,
Though they found his views were junk:
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now he's training as a monk.

Professor Dawkins becomes a Trappist.

Damian Thompson
Had mischievous romps on
His blog at the Telegraph:
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now he's gone, and makes folk laugh.

Thompson and Farage get ideas from the Eccles blog.

Cardinal Kasper
Made everyone gasp: "A
Man like this destroys the Church!"
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now they've left him in the lurch.

"Can I come indoors if I behave myself?"

Study for the BDSM at Heythrop College!

Heythrop College, the University of London college of philosophy and theology, a centre for Catholic training, is proud to announce a new degree course, the B.D.S.M., or Bachelor of Divinity, Spirituality, and Morals.

Discipline is an important part of academic study.

In this course, which is highly suitable for those wishing to train for the priesthood, we emphasise strict discipline, following the rule of St Beatrix - we are not sure who Rix was.

Dr Hartnell applies a corrective to a trainee monk.

When they enrol on the course, students have to sign a binding agreement with the College, and they are rigorously held to it. The main principle of the course is said to be based on the words of St Augustine: Lord, grant me chastity and continence; but not yet. In fact, O Lord, just give me lots of wild sex and I'll confess it all later!

A trainee deacon meditates.

We asked a lecturer at Heythrop College whether he thought this degree programme was entirely suitable for the spiritual life, but he said, "Not really, but I'm afraid I can't do anything - my hands are tied."

After their training, priests will be able to conduct Masses like this.

Vincent Nichols to be new Dr Who

We can reveal exclusively that the BBC has offered the role of the 12th Doctor Who to Vincent Nichols, 67, Archbishop of Westminster and part-time spiritual leader.

The new Doctor poses outside his Tardis.

It is thought that Pope Francis had a hand in Archbishop Nichols's appointment, which can be seen as a consolation prize for his failure to obtain a role in the long-running soap opera The Cardinals.

Some people had suggested that the Dr Who role might go to a woman - actresses such as Tina Beattie and Catherine Pepinster were suggested - but, in the end, the BBC producers decided to remain with tradition, feeling that they did not have the authority to ordain a woman as Dr Who; our Lord Sidney Newman had explicitly called a grumpy old man to be the first Doctor, and the appointment of Nichols is seen as a return to that tradition.

One of the first adventures will involve lesbian lizards in Farm Street, London.

Armed with his new-style sonic screwdriver, modelled on the pectoral cross, the new Doctor will of course be facing his traditional enemies, such as Daleks and Cybermen. However, it may be that some of his adventures will have a more religious emphasis: in particular, we may see the return of the Meddling Monk, who was active in the 1960s.

The Meddling Monk - an old adversary who tried to block Vatican II reforms.

Another foe sure to re-appear before long is the Weeping Angels. In his current role, Vincent Nichols is of course well used to weeping angels - after all, the cries of woe in Heaven whenever a new issue of the Tablet is produced can be heard even in Westminster.

The new Doctor confronts the weeping angels.

It is likely that a new version of the classic Dr Who theme tune will also be produced, and here it is virtually certain that we shall have Paul Inwood's brilliant new arrangement: Wubbledy-wum wubbledy-wum wubbledy-wum ch-ch.

Today the new Doctor was delighted with his new role, especially because of the new opportunities it gives for having his photograph taken.

The new Doctor engages in mind-warfare with a sinister yogi.

Catholic must-reads

"NO POPERY" - the Tablet's motto. But what was it originally?

Fr Tim Finigan explores the history of the Tablet, once a Catholic newspaper of repute but now a home for those rejecting orthodox Catholicism. He explains that originally it was produced on stone tablets - hence the name - as a journal of record. Its motto was "NO PAPYRI." However, when it became a serious competitor in the Andrex market, its customers complained of severe discomfort, and so it was printed on paper instead. Curiously, many people still find that the Tablet is a pain in the backside.

The new-look cover of the Tablet

This week's Tablet - an Atheist "must-read" - contains theological and philosophical articles from Yootha Nazier, Abe Ortion and Eugene Ix, explaining how the Catholic church needs to change in order to survive. Also there's a prize competition - simply complete the following sentence in not more than 10 words, and win a night out with the Obamas.

I THINK THE POPE IS WRONG BECAUSE ...

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Archbishop Tartaglia

Over in the Telegraph, Damian Thompson, a former editor of the Catholic Herald, shows that he has not lost his touch as a serious Catholic commentator, when he reveals exclusively that Archbishop Tartaglia of Glasgow is overweight.

Damian is no stranger to religious controversy; for example, he was the first to break the news that Bishop Roche had put on weight. A mere three years later Arthur Roche was forced to flee Leeds and take sanctuary in Rome.

A future archbishop brushes up his Latin.

Meanwhile leading Catholics are hastily dieting and making sure their hairstyles are totally sensible, as they quake in fear, wondering where the "blood-crazed ferret" will bite next.

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Meddling Monk - coffee fit for a Catholic

Finally, on Father Yuletide's blog, the great Fr Y explains that St Arbuck, normally regarded as the patron saint of coffee, was a distinctly dodgy character. He encourages us to buy "Meddling Monk" coffee instead.

St Bean (drinking wine not coffee). Founder of Meddling Monk coffee.

Meddling Monk coffee is made by traditional methods, and is guaranteed not to damage your soul.