This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles
Showing posts with label perfume. Show all posts
Showing posts with label perfume. Show all posts

Saturday, 4 April 2015

Another controversial letter from 461 priests

Following their controversial letter to the Catholic Herald, affirming Christ's teaching on marriage, which was roundly condemned by Cardinal Nichols, the infamous "gang of 461" has sent another inflammatory letter to the magazine.

Resurrection

Introducing a controversial figure into Catholicism.

We are fortunate to be able to reprint the entire text of the letter, as follows:

Dear Sir,

Credo in unum Deum, Patrem omnipotentem, factorem caeli et terrae, visibilium omnium, et invisibilium. Et in unum Dominum Jesum Christum, Filium Dei unigenitum. Et ex Patre natum ante omnia saecula. Deum de Deo, Lumen de lumine, Deum verum de Deo vero. Genitum, non factum, consubstantialem Patri: per quem omnia facta sunt. Qui propter nos homines, et propter nostram salutem descendit de caelis. Et incarnatus est de Spiritu Sancto ex Maria Virgine: Et homo factus est. Crucifixus etiam pro nobis: sub Pontio Pilato passus, et sepultus est. Et resurrexit tertia die, secundum Scripturas. Et ascendit in caelum: sedet ad dexteram Patris. Et iterum venturus est cum gloria, judicare vivos et mortuos: cuius regni non erit finis. Et in Spiritum Sanctum, Dominum, et vivificantem: qui ex Patre Filioque procedit. Qui cum Patre et Filio simul adoratur, et conglorificatur: qui locutus est per Prophetas. Et unam sanctam catholicam et apostolicam Ecclesiam. Confiteor unum baptisma in remissionem peccatorum. Et exspecto resurrectionem mortuorum. Et vitam venturi saeculi. Amen.

Yours sincerely...

Vin and the Tablet

"Catholics should be seen and not heard. Except for me, of course."

Already this inflammatory letter has been condemned by Vincent Nichols, who explained that it was clearly improper for priests to make dogmatic statements of Christian belief in the press. As he put it, could they not rely on him to waffle and obfuscate the issues on TV and radio?

The context, of course, is the forthcoming synod, at which an intense debate is expected. If you don't want to know the final result look away now.

[Cardinal Kasper has already written the final report, in which it is decided that Christian doctrine is too severe and lacking in mercy, and that the bits of the creed to do with sin and redemption are no longer appropriate. Also the "Spiritus Sanctus" should now be replaced by the "Spiritus Concilii Oecumenici Vaticani Secundi".]

Other critics of the letter include Gerald O'Collins SJ, who has suggested that the version of the Creed used in the famous 1998 paraphrase of the Mass should be adopted instead. "It's not much fun spending 17 years doing Latin homework, only to be told that I only got a B-minus," he complains. "How was I to know that 'Credo' doesn't mean 'We believe'?"

Pope Francis has so far not commented on the letter to the Catholic Herald. There is a suggestion going round that this is because he is a Tablet-reader, but we think it is just a malicious rumour put about by one of those traddie bloggers such as Mundabor or Rorate Caeli.

sheep perfume

Well, never mind the Creed. Buy your priest something to help him smell of the sheep.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Near-death experiences

In view of a near-death experience claimed by Dr Eben Alexander, which is the basis of his new book Proof of Heaven, we asked some of the regular characters appearing on this blog to describe their own near-death experiences.


Bosco, worshipper at the Calvary Chapel, and saved person.

Bosco

Hello, could I speak to Jesus, please?

Eccles, you poor sick monkey, I had a rotten experience when I tried to save a convent of nuns, and I was badly beaten up by them. As I lay in hospital, near to death, I found that I was standing outside the Gates of Heaven, explaining to St Peter that all Catholics were idolaters, and should be sent to the Lake of Fire. "I am saved, even more than you are," I told him. "I've come for my throne and my golden crown."

St Peter is shocked

St Peter is shocked by Bosco's blog.

"Ah, Bosco," said St Peter. "I've been reading your blog, and we've got a totally different fate for you..."


Damian Thompson, formerly a religious journalist.

Lonely Damian

Damian is the one alone at the front, whom nobody else will talk to.

The first thing that struck me about St Peter, when I saw him, was that he was putting on weight. In fact, the whole tone of Heaven was very disappointing, and I was totally unimpressed with the angels, who were definitely smirking at me. The music was not Gladys Mills plays Beethoven, as I had been led to expect, nor even something by my friend James MacMillan, but a dirge that sounded like an eternal repetition of "Alleluia Ch-ch."

Angels

Angels - what dreadful hair styles they have.


Moly, aunt of Eccles and Bosco.

Anti Moly

A recent photo of Moly.

Well I don't believe in God or Heaven, but I did have a very strange dream last night when I finally dropped off. I was in Paradise, wearing my new Moly Number 5 cigarette- and gin-scented perfume. But I was surrounded by possums, all jumping up and down, and there wasn't a bottle of gin to be had anywhere. "It's endless torment for you," said a loud voice to me, probably one of those bullying traddy Catholics. Woeful.

Possumus

Vicious possums. They're out to get me. I know it.


Father Arthur, of the Church of St Daryl the Apostate.

Fr Arthur

I'm a priest in good standing, you know.

Well, I wasn't going to stand any calumny from the man waiting for me at the Gates of Heaven, so I got my attack in first. "May I remind you, 'Saint' Peter, that as recorded in the 26th chapter of the book of St Matthew, and elsewhere, you denied Christ on no less than three occasions? Does that give you the right to comment on the behaviour of other people? I am a priest in good standing, with no time for your traditionalist ways. Haven't you people heard of Vatican II? Now clear off, and let me do your job properly for you."

Last judgement

The Last Judgement. But Fr Arthur will willingly give you a preliminary verdict.