The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2.

1. So the children of Bri-tain continued to be locked down, and unable to worship the Lord.

2. Although there were some priests who disguised themselves as merchants, such as Monsignor Tesco, the Bishop of Asda, Father Sainsbury, and Cardinal Waitrose.

3. These holy men sold foodstuffs to the people, and, when nobody was looking, they provided spiritual nourishment behind the shelves of beans.

4. But many people continued to worship by watching the stream that is called live.

5. Although some decided to wait for the set that is boxed, or the disc that is called video, that they might also be able to see the bloopers and outtakes as well.

6. And many priests who used the stream that is live deliberately misspoke, or tripped over, or dropped the sacred artifacts, that their bonus disc might be a worthy offering.

Guido Marini catcheth the falling cross.

7. And the people of Bri-tain were told, "Stay ye away from the doctors, for we must protect the Service of Health."

8. Thus those who suffered from sore boils, and paralysis, and leprosy were cast forth from the hospitals, that there might be room for those suffering from the plague.

9. But those who had other sicknesses claimed that they also had the plague, that they might be healed too.

The doctor healeth a man suffering from the plague.

10. Next, it came to pass that Bosis's handmaiden, Carrie, was with child.

11. For the Lord had spoken unto Bosis, saying "I will multiply thy seed like the stars of Heaven," and the prophets had foretold that he should one day have twelve children, who would found the twelve tribes of Bri-tain.

12. So Bosis called his son "Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas", for he greatly revered a saintly Northumbrian bishop of that name.

13. Now there was a mighty counsellor, called Neil, son of Fergus, who was a great lover of models.

14. And his models told him that everyone would die of the plague unless they stayed locked in their houses, and probably even then.

15. For in the past his models had prophesied unto the world many times, saying that all men should die of fowl pest, or it might be ingrowing toenails, or then again it could be the knee of the housemaid.

The models of Neil prophesy DOOM.

16. So the people listened to the prophecies of Neil, and remained in their houses, hiding under the bed, or in some cases in the deepest dungeons.

17. But then it came to pass that Neil called unto his home another man's wife, and lay with her, although only at a distance of four cubits. For such was the law of the prophets.

18. And the people said, "We have had enough of this man and his models. Let us live dangerously, and open the window."

Continued in Chapter 4.

"Stop correcting me," says Pope Francis

"These days I can't say anything at all without some fool trying to correct me," said Pope Francis in his annual Odi et Omnes ("and I hate you all") address to Catholics worldwide.

A voice behind him immediately piped up, "Oh yes you can!"

"Holy Father, I should point out that 2+2=5."

"It's getting very irritating," continued the Pope. "Letters, phone calls, e-mails, texts, faxes, tweets, bricks flying through the window with little notes attached, drums tapping out 'corrections' in Morse code, ... and all with the same message, that I got something wrong. I received five huge sacks of correspondence this morning."

A sell-out at Gammarelli's.

"I mean, this morning at breakfast I said 'It looks like rain later', and five minutes later Spadaro rushed in..."

"Ten minutes later."

"Ten minutes later, with a filial correction giving me the weather forecast for Rome."

"Now is not the time for peace." A crow and seagull join in the attack on the papal doves.

"Of course I have been used to receiving green-ink corrections from people like Sosa, Martin, Faggioli, etc. for years. For example, I said something in my sermon about Jesus being the Messiah, and Fr James Martin sent me a text explaining that 'Many New Testament Scholars' now believe that John the Baptist was the Messiah. But I am used to that."

At that moment an arrow flew up into the Vatican balcony and impaled the arm of the Pope's Master of Ceremonies Guido Marini. Attached to it was a note, "Don't say something infallibly, you're bound to get it wrong." Guido Marini, a man used to crises, calmly removed the arrow from his arm and said, "I think this is for you, Holy Father," before slumping to the ground.

"'Tis but a scratch, Holy Father."

"It's been an odd year," commented the Pope. "Cardinals sending Dubia, wall posters in Rome, filial corrections, that book The Dictator Pope, ... anyone would think they were trying to tell me something."

The unknown Pope Francis

Following Pope Francis's trip to the USA, here are a few pictures which indicate that some people have absolutely no idea what the Holy Father looks like.

An iDoll, but not Pope Francis.

Could be anyone...

Getting nearer, but still doesn't quite capture him.

Very artistic, but who is it supposed to be?

NO.

Yes, here he is at last, surrounded by "concelebrating" clowns.

And again, with the local village idiot.

Letters to the Tablet

Highlights of the Bitter Pill's letter page.

I am very upset by the letter from 461 Catholic priests in Britain regarding the maintenance of old-fashioned Catholic teaching on marriage and the family!!?? Don't they realise that we are waiting for the Holy Spirit to change her mind about this one, and until she does we shall scream and scream until you're sick of us??!! The process requires debate, prayer and discernment, but we certainly don't want to hear from a bunch of celibate men!!?? And that includes Jesus!!??

"Sorry, Holy Father, I forgot to post your letter to the Catholic Herald."

Cuddly Walter Kasper has spoken of the Church's living tradition, and the need to create it afresh!!?? After all, what's the point of tradition if it's just handed down by someone else??!! Tradition needs to be developed, otherwise it's just traddy!!?? This rude and naughty letter clearly refutes (or do I mean rebuts?) Kasper's position!!?? Shame on you, you horrid priests!!??

The letter has provoked further controversy within an already fragile Catholic Church - that's not my fault, Peppy, is it??!! Still, congratulations to brilliant Mgr Keith Bottletop of Bayswater for refusing to sign!!?? Good old Bottled-out is Sister Judy's Man of the Month!!??

Possibly not Mgr Bottletop.

So shut up, you horrible priests!!?? ACTA's criticism of the Catholic Church is fine, but we don't want priests reminding people of Catholic teaching!!?? And, EEEK! Sister Moira has told me that a lot of laymen are also signing letters saying that they like Catholic teaching!!?? Where will it end??!! Will Vincent Nichols sign a declaration of faithfulness??!! No chance of that, luckily!!?? Byeeeee!!??

Sr Judy Piranha, CRSS, Chelmsford

Sr Judy and Sr Moira

In The Tablet of 28 March there was an interesting article, which noted that Jesus, according to three of the Gospels, invited Judas to share in the Last Supper, whilst being fully aware of his pending betrayal. See, in those days everyone was allowed to share communion, and encouraged to go out and betray Jesus! Shouldn't this be the practice nowadays as well?

Antony Demon, Northampton.

Judas Iscariot renews his subscription to the Tablet.

---

Of course, there is a more dignified way for droll people to appear in print.

The rest of this drollery is here.

What to say if you meet a priest, bishop, pope, etc.

There are many occasions on which you may suddenly encounter a person in holy orders: coming out of church is an obvious one, but you may also meet a cleric in the supermarket, the betting shop, or even leaving the public toilets. There is an I-Spy scoring system, for such encounters: the Catholic version of the game gives you 1 point for a deacon, 2 for a priest, 4 for a monsignor, 10 for a bishop, 20 for an archbishop, 50 for a cardinal, and 100 for a pope. Double points if you can name him.

Apologies to Anglicans reading this: I don't know how many canons make an archdeacon, or whether a rural dean is worth more than either. Does anyone?

Mgr Guido Marini and an unidentified pope. 108 points.

Often, you will encounter your lucky cleric on leaving church, just after hearing him preach a sermon. Commenting on the homily is one way to break the ice. If you meet the reverend gentleman in less salubrious circumstances, it may be better to avert your eyes, and pretend you did not see him.

Anyway, here are few gambits that we have tried, with some success.

Deacons.

1. Good sermon, Deacon. I particularly liked the way you refuted the arguments of Fr Timothy Radcliffe. What a numpty, eh?

2. Good morning, Deacon. I'm so glad to hear that the geraniums in your potting-shed are flourishing.

Reading St Paul's epistle to the Geraniums.

Priests.

1. Father, your sermon made me wonder about adiophora. Would you say that 1 Corinthians 8 was helpful on this issue?

2. Father, I keep confusing good and evil. I couldn't tell from your sermon, but maybe you know. Which side are we on?

Bishops.

1. My Lord, how refreshing to hear the Donatist heresy explained by someone who actually knows what it was.

2. Good to see you, Bishop: you're not nearly as overweight as the man in the Spectator was claiming. Pity about the sermon.

Cardinals.

Congratulations on your first prize in the pie-eating competition!

1. Good day, your Eminence. How are we poor laymen to survive if the Church is a ship without a rudder?

2. Good morning, your ex-Eminence. Who are you going to push into the Chair of St Peter next time round?

Don't worry, your Eminence, those men in white coats are your friends. Just get into the van.

Popes.

1. How good of you to drop in to St Tharg's, Holy Father Emeritus. Of course we're not all familiar with the major German philosophers, but your homily sounded very smart.

2. Hell's Teeth, Holy Father, how are we supposed to keep smiling after what you just called us?

QUAERITUR: Should I wake the priest?

Dear Father E, when I make Confession I often find that the priest starts yawning. Sometimes, he even asks me to repeat some of my sins - the enumeration of them, that is - on the grounds that he "dropped off for a moment". I am terrified that one day he will fall into a deep sleep. If this happens, what should I do?

... and I've put more details on my blog, Father.

Father E replies: Sleep is a gift from God, and, given that you sometimes doze off during the priest's homily, it is only natural that he in turn should grab a much-needed forty winks while you are telling him how you spent the week. I have seen your written account of the incident in question, and I am not sure that it was necessary to give the full details of how A insulted you on Twitter so that you screen-capped her words, and then B got involved and wrote a nasty post on his own tedious blog, and then C joined in and started stalking you, and then, ... zzzzz... sorry, where was I?

Do you get excommunicated if you nudge a pope?

Now, if your confessor falls asleep, there are several things you might do:

1. Stop talking, and wait patiently until he wakes up again. Of course, this might not be for eight hours or so...
2. Tiptoe out quietly, so as not to wake him. However, experts would say that you had not fully completed your confession.
3. Cough loudly, bang on the confessional, shout "WAKE UP, FATHER!" Probably best, but a little discourteous.

The sins of a parrot are not usually very interesting.

Frankly, the best way to avoid such a situation is to invent some interesting sins, as recommended by certain bishops. You could, for example, walk in covered with blood and pretend that you have just murdered your grandmother. Then, having got the priest's attention, you say, "It's all right. Only joking. It was only the deacon." This is probably more interesting than seeking absolution for the sin of wearing liturgically-incorrect socks at the Church Fayre. The priest may even stay awake.

Not the best place to make your confession.

Piero Marini rejoices

No person in the world could be more delighted at the election of Pope Francis than Archbishop Piero Marini, the president of the Pontifical Committee for International Eucharistic Congresses.

Archbishop Marini attempts to administer a custard pie to Pope Benedict.

"How I hate Pope Benedict," he said. "I had been having a great time as master of ceremonies for John-Paul II. It's an easy job - I just had to open a few bottles whenever there was a papal party, and propose the occasional toast. But then Benedict gave me a serious job, where I had to do lots of paperwork and answer letters."

"What's more John-Paul baked me birthday cakes. Benedict always burnt them."

Continued Marini: "Oh, how I suffered under Pope Benedict. We had been breathing the waters of a swamp, and it had a bad smell. We'd been in a church afraid of everything, with problems such as Vatileaks and the paedophilia scandals. Why, I was almost tempted to do something about it. Ugh, and the Pope used Twitter too."

Letting the bad smells out of the Sistine Chapel.

"Now that Pope Francis is here," he continued, "we can expect a total rewriting of Christian doctrine. If he follows my advice he will make the Catholic church entirely secular. Catholic same-sex marriages can't be far away - I read that in the Tablet, so it must be true."

Note: Piero Marini is not to be confused with Guido Marini, seen below (left).

Guido, you stand in the middle, then our colour scheme will give the French flag.