How to be the Supreme Governor of a Church

Every so often someone comes up to me and says, "Eccles, my mother has just died, and apparently I am now Supreme Governor of the Church of England. Can you give me any advice?"

I am used to giving advice to major religious leaders - for example, see some of the "How to be a Good Pope" articles linked here, which have made Pope Francis the man he is today. So of course I am happy to oblige.

Well, the Church of England was founded by King Henry VIII, basically because he wasn't too pleased by the Catholic Church's "Till death us do part" attitude to marriage. Henry loved marriage, but only four of his six marriages were ended by death (two beheadings and two natural deaths, in fact, the last one being his own). Now, if you wish to be SG of the C of E you need to model yourself on this saintly character, perhaps by taking as your own wife the lady Camomile, whose husband is still alive.

Now, why are the royal couple defending the faith by packing dates? Read on...

O.K., that's sorted. Now, you may want to make sure that you believe all the official C of E teaching, and share it with your subjects. Luckily there isn't much: nobody (least of all the bishops) can agree on same-sex marriage, women priests, divorce, the existence of God, etc. etc. So we can skip that step.

Your current Prime Minister, although himself an atheist, is VERY FOND of Islam. He'd better be, or else all the Muslims in the country will vote for someone else: probably Liberal Democrats but maybe some sort of Allahu Akbar Party which may cut into your hopes of staying in office. So how can you reflect this in your own activities?

A message from the Defender of the Faith.

Simple: Ramadan is approaching, a time of repentance and sacrifice in which we remember Mohammed's temptations in the wilderness. Devout Muslims fast all day (not even an Allahu Snackbar is allowed) and then they fill up on yummy dates and sheeps' eyes with a big blow-out after dark. So, just like Lent for Christians, wouldn't you say?

So forget Lent, just celebrate Ramadan. Attend an Iftar (Arab word for "binge") and keep telling everyone how wonderful Islam is. We'll be coming soon to Eid (as in "Beware the Eids of March"), which is the Islamic version of Holy Week when we remember the prophet's death upon the cross crescent. And then the Resurrection - oh, he didn't manage that one, did he? Well, never mind.

Phew! There was time for more Christian activity, after all.

Your Majesty, you can thank me by making me Sir Eccles, Knight of the Garter.

Catholic Church finally agrees on something

Following the Black Friday on which the British House of Commons voted to legalise Assisted Suicide (giving doctors a Licence to Kill, à la Shipman), there is one faint ray of sunshine.

For the first time since the 1960s the Catholics have agreed on something!

"Are you sure we're not on a slippery slope, Kim?"

No matter whether they are SSPX or Happy-clappy, whether they refuse to talk to anyone except in Latin, or whether they refuse to use even Latin terms like "et cetera", whether they are "Trads" or readers of "Where Peter Is", all British Catholics are united in condemning this legislation. Why, even Tina Beattie is against it!

Not all the bishops spoke out against it (or not loudly enough for me to hear), but Nichols, Wilson, O'Toole, Egan, Davies, Swarbrick, McKinney and Stock, at least, deserve gold stars on this occasion.

Praising Vin and Tina together! Can this blog cope with such things?

Well, I thought, there must be some exceptions! How about Austen Ivereigh, the fan of Pachamama and Rupnik? Surely, he at least won't let me down when I'm looking for targets? But no, the gnome is on my side too!

Confusing it with Brexit and getting the date wrong, but otherwise 8/10 for Austen.

OK, so there we are, all Catholics are united, as far as I know. Life is hard for the satirical blogger.

Now we can unite to fight against the world, the flesh, the Devil, Kim Jong Headbanger Leadbeater, Enid Rancid Esther Rantzen, ...

Oh, but I forgot one thing. Our views are influenced by our religion. And, according to Lord Falconer, that means WE SHOULD SHUT UP! Only atheists, agnostics and devil-worshippers are allowed to express opinions.

I'm not bigoted about religions - I hate them all!"

Let's finish with something I wrote in response to a suggestion from Fr Dwight Longenecker. The Anglicans (who are a bit less hardline than Catholics when it comes to being pro-life) will need a liturgy for blessing services of Assisted Suicide.

We come to say farewell to our brother Eccles.
Who looketh a bit fed up, so it is time he went.
Who beareth the means of exit?
𝐈 bear the pillow of suffocation.
Blessed be St Esther of Rantzen, who hath ordained this.
Amen.
Thy life is ending. Go in peace.
Yippee! (Or he may say "Thanks be to Kim".)

A Pastoral Letter from Bishop Arnold

I've read it so you don't have to - here is a shortened version of the original text.

---

Dear Sisters and Brothers in Christ - also all Non-binary and Multigendered Kinspersons!

Today I am writing about three different but closely-related matters of fundamental Catholic teaching.

As our blessed Prime Minister, St Armer of Keir, has pointed out, all the murders, stabbings and other attacks that we have seen this summer are the fault of grumbles by far-right Conservative voters and very far-right Reform voters, and nothing to do with the people who actually committed the crimes, most of whom are peaceful healthcare workers.

It is important for us to stop these extremely far-right trouble-makers, and I take this opportunity of asking you to befriend your neighbours. Ask Mr Mohammed Ali Bayan down the road to come to Mass at my Cathedral - he won't find anything to upset his deeply-held religious beliefs!

Which brings me onto my second subject. Traditionally, September is the Season of Creation, and the Church has been concerned about issues such as the Climate Crisis ever since the 1st Century C.E. (not A.D.!) You only have to look out of the window to see that the weather is hotter colder wetter drier more average than ever before! Why, the plughole in my bath was blocked this morning, causing floods in my bathroom the like of which we have not seen since last week!

God - or at least St Greta - asks us to reduce our energy consumption, to install solar panels in our broom cupboards, to fit windmills under our beds, to recycle our food before eating it, and, above all, to pay more taxes!

The strain of saving the planet has taken its toll on Ms Thunberg.

Finally, connected with both our community building and our care for the environment - and of course with every other important part of Catholic teaching - is SYNODALITY. I have three key questions for you:

How can we persuade people that this is a real Copernican turning point of conciliar ecclesiology?

What would it look like to breathe synodality into each component of academic theology?

Which aspect of 'PLACE' do you think is most important in shaping relationships within the Church?

I must ask that you all participate in the final stages of the synod - by attending meetings, talking a lot, or at least trying to stay awake, and by saying the Diocesan prayer "Stay with us, Lord, in our synodal walking together."

Love and kisses (as Cardinal Tucho would say),

+ Johnny

The Book of Covidicus 22: passports, please!

Continued from Chapter 21.

1. It came to pass that Carrie, the wife of Bo-sis, gave birth to a daughter, the sister of Wil-fred.

2. Thus fulfilling the words of the Lord unto Boris: I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore.

3. For the offspring of Bo-sis were now so numerous that he was no longer able to count them; although, according to the beautiful models of Neil, son of Fergus, he now had approximately twenty thousand children.

4. And Bo-sis called his daughter Romy, or Rho for short, as this was the name of the next variant of the plague to be expected.

5. But then there came a scandal that rocked Bri-tain to its foundations.

Bo-sis playeth a party game.

6. For it was revealed that one year earlier Bo-sis had spent the holy season in wild partying, while the rest of the country was reduced to tiers.

7. For it was written "In the lands of Tier 3, the people must not carouse. Indeed, they should not enjoy themselves at all."

8. So Bo-sis removed the paper hat from his head, the balloon tied to his suit, and the party whistle that shooteth out into the face of his neighbour, and said "I have never been to a party." But nobody believed him.

9. Thus he turned his attention to the great plague of Omicron, which slayeth not.

The Omicron plague refuseth to slay the people.

10. And there came unto him a messenger saying "Good news! A man hath died of Omicron! Well, in fact he was eaten by a camel, but he was heard to sneeze only ten days previously. The plague is now deadly."

11. So Bo-sis put down his cake, his party popper, and his party bag called "goodie", and spake out, saying "Time for Plan B".

12. And the people also spake out saying, "This meaneth the passports of vixen, which Bo-sis promised never to introduce! Can it be that our mighty leader hath been telling the pies that are porky?"

Note to foreign readers: Cockney Rhyming Slang - pork pies = lies. And now back to the story.

13. So Bo-sis held a mighty vote in the House of Common People, which was keenly fought.

Sajidiah the Bald backeth Bo-sis.

14. For Keir, Chief of the Labourites, spake out, saying "I am the leader of the Opposition, and therefore I support Bo-sis completely. Er, am I doing this right?"

15. But there came a great opposition to Plan B from Bo-sis's own tribe of Conservatites, even unto one hundred fold.

16. But still Plan B was passed, and the children of Bri-tain were told to be vaxed, to be tested, or to die from the deadly plague of camels Omicron.

Continued in Chapter 23.

The Book of Covidicus 19: Bosis's popularity waneth

Continued from Chapter 18.

1. Thus, after the children of Bri-tain were given their freedom, they passed forty days and forty nights enjoying the rain that droppeth from Heaven in the summer.

2. Or possibly fifty days and fifty nights, for all the days were alike.

3. The children of Bri-tain could now go out into the streets and the markets without masks, provided that they did not mind the occasional cries of "WEAR A MASK THOU FASCIST! THOU HAST KILLED MY FAMILY! MY LIFE AND HAPPINESS HAVE BEEN STOLEN!"

"Alas, this mask beareth no instructions."

4. Also, many had received the vixen that protecteth man from all diseases, and were therefore awarded the title of "first class citizen".

5. Those who refused the vixen, perhaps because they thought it was evil, or they thought it was useless, or they thought it was dangerous, became second-class citizens.

6. They were forced to carry a bell with them, which they rang, and to cry "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" as they walked through the streets feeding on scraps of rotten food.

7. Although Bo-sis had promised that there would be no preference given to those who had received the vixen, neither would there be passports that they could carry.

Criminals guilty of vax evasion.

8. Also, there was a shortage of people to drive the ox-carts on which food was delivered. Thus, there was no food in the markets (although it mostly seemed to affect those people who had voted to remain in EU-gypt).

9. Still, life was even worse in other lands. In the land of Australis, where men walk upon their heads, all the people were locked in their homes, and the officers of the law, like unto a roaring wallaby, walked about, seeking whom they might devour.

10. Even in the land of EU-gypt, where man could no longer feast on the leg of the snail and the frog, or possibly the other way round, the people suffered much. Many crossed the Red Sea in small boats, that they might come to the promised land of Bri-tain, which flowed with milk and honey (deliveries permitting).

11. Then Bo-sis had a new idea, that all the children of Bri-tain should be taxed (as well as vaxed).

12. For he said, "We must protect the National Health Service, that hath saved so many lives. For if thou sufferest from the plague, then all thou needst do is to call them, and they will tell thee how to make an Intensive Care Unit using a lawnmower and a bicycle pump in thy garden shed. For it is too dangerous for a doctor to see thee.

13. And now these people need our money, that they may appoint more managers, equality and diversity officers, and dancing coordinators.

Bo-sis prepareth to deliver "social care".

14. Also we shall see that no man payeth more than six-and-eighty gold pieces for care in his old age: for we shall kill him when the money is spent."

15. And the people began to mutter "Mayhap Keir, chief of the Labourites, is not much more useless than Bo-sis."

Continued in Chapter 20.

The Book of Covidicus 15: a new threat

Continued from Chapter 14.

1. So the weeks rolled on, and the children of Bri-tain received the magic vixen that promised immortality.

2. And they continued to wear masks, even when walking in the wilderness miles from any other life save the locusts, quails, and wild beasts.

3. Now Bo-sis consulted with a team of wise men known as SAGEs: these included experts in astrology, decolonized poetry, necromancy, non-binary algebra, voodoo, post-feminist transgender studies, civilised engineering, anti-racist sackbut-playing, wizardry, and comedy.

4. The last of these was Neil, son of Fergus, who had surrounded himself with beautiful models, all of which gave wrong answers when questioned.

The sages tell Bo-sis how to deal with the plague.

5. So, as the sages continued to deliberate, Bo-sis remembered his solemn promise to the children of Bri-tain, that he would not require them to carry papers, known as passports, to prove that they had received the vixen.

6. Thus he spake out one day, saying, "I have had a jolly good wheeze, chaps! Let us require you to carry papers, known as passports, to prove that you have received the vixen!"

7. But before any serious decision could be taken, Bo-sis was forced to launch an assault on the pool known as Hartley, which had been possessed by the Starmerites as long as anyone could remember. For this was the time known as by-election.

The famous Statue of Liberty at Hartley's Pool.

8. It came to pass that Hartley's pool fell to Bo-sis, and he rejoiced greatly. And the Starmerites wept, saying, "The workers of Hartley's pool are indeed different from our own people of Islington: for they are hewers of timber, and drawers of water, and they hardly ever kneel down in memory of the blessed Floyd."

9. However, the people of Islington rejoiced, for Genghis, known as Khan, was reappointed as supreme leader of the Londonites, following a massive support from the criminal community.

10. Now, the time was fast approaching when the third step of Bo-sis's road map should be reached. Thus, the children of Bri-tain could visit each other's dwellings once more.

11. Also, gatherings outside were permitted, with no more than thirty people allowed, unless they had come to tear down statues, loot the shops, or attack the guards known as policemen.

12. And the SAGEs issued instructions, explaining how the children of Bri-tain should hug each other: for it was so long since people had been permitted so to do that they had completely forgotten.

Two members of SAGE demonstrate the Sign of Peace.

13. But there now came a new threat from far India: for the plague had mutated into a new more fearsome disease, known as Vindaloo, which caused a fever, a burning of the tongue, and an acidic stomach. The only known remedy for this illness was to drink of the mighty potion known as lager.

14. And the children of Bri-tain were severely perturbed, as this was likely to delay the promised return to normal living, which was due a month thence: thus they would be unable to finish the Book of Covidicus and move on to the book of Numbskulls.

Continued in Chapter 16.

Massimo Faggioli, ambassador to the Holy See

Following the departure of Callista Gingrich from the post of US ambassador to the Holy See, relations between God and Mammon were left in the hands of a mere chargé d'affaires, Patrick Connell, until President "devout Catholic" Biden could get round to appointing a new ambassador.

It is the great privilege of this blog to be able to report that the new ambassador will be Prof. Massimo "Beans" Faggioli of Villanova University.

Beans won the "write a book about two totally unrelated topics" prize.

Prof. Beans came to Biden's notice for his persistent defence of Joe's "devout Catholic" label. The other slightly-Catholic Democrat cheerleaders, Cupich, Gregory, Martin, etc., were mostly in holy orders, and Massimo was considered a more suitable person to represent Biden to the Holy Father.

Some alt-right hateful hardline alt-trad far-right Catholics have pointed out that Biden's new "kill a baby and win $5000" legislation might be considered to contradict Christian teaching, but, after all, following the lead of King Herod is Biblical, isn't it?

It has also been pointed out that forbidding Joe Biden from receiving Communion would have no perceptible effect, as the old man has usually dozed off before "The Thing" takes place, and never actually receives. Thus there is no point in the US bishops ganging up on the old chap.

Fr Spadaro tells Ambassador Faggioli his "2+2=5" joke.

So what will be the duties of Ambassador Beans? Well, Callista Gingrich spent four years exercising her diplomatic skills to the utmost. For, although Pope Francis hates Donald Trump like nobody else on Earth (see the encyclical Vir Luteus malus*), Her Excellency managed to prevent the Vatican from declaring outright war on the United States.

* Orange man bad.

Under the Biden-Kamala presidency, there is likely to be less diplomacy required, and His Excellency Ambassador Faggioli will have plenty of time for writing yet more books (the next one will be called "Is Joe Biden the New Messiah?"), and may even have time to attend Church occasionally.

The real danger is that the UK may one day follow suit, and, if a Labour government takes power, it could appoint Prof. Austen Ivereigh, another sycophantic scribbler known for his tact and diplomacy, as ambassador to the Holy See. Austen is already said to have the Pope's ear* and would no doubt get on very well with Francis.

*He keeps it in the freezer.

Keir Stermer rebrands himself as a "devout Catholic".

Covidicus, Chapter 12: Lockdown again

Continued from Chapter 11.

1. At the end of the year the Emperor Macron of the Frenchites ended the great war, and the children of Bri-tain were ready for their next crisis.

2. For the plague continued to rage fiercely, and Bo-sis decided to lock down the people once more.

Even the philosopher Grayling was locked down.

3. Although the Scottites, Welshites, and Irishites made their own plans, so as to be different from the Englandites. So they held a lochdown, a lloc'dwn, and a loughdown.

4. Thus with a mighty cry of "HERE WE GO AGAIN" everyone went back to his home and was driven to the mighty engine known as Zoom (or McZoom, Zoom-bach and O'Zoom if they came from the other three tribes).

5. Although some realised that there were easier ways to address their neighbours, and so they simply opened their windows and shouted "I HATE YE ALL."

6. And Bo-sis told his officers to find those who refused to be locked down, and throw them into the deepest dungeons.

7. But some of the rebels were very active old ladies aged four score and ten, and required twelve officers to overpower them.

"We need backup. Call for an armed response!"

8. Meanwhile, it was time for all the world to be vaxed, and so the mighty vixen was delivered to the people, starting with the dancing girls known as nurses, the old and infirm, and those whose labour was considered essential, such as the officers of equality and diversity and the professors of transgender studies.

9. Then a cry came out, "Let all the children of Bri-tain go into the streets at the eighth hour of the evening and applaud their heroes.

10. Such as the nurses who dance, the politicians who chatter, and of course Neil, son of Fergus, whose models have guided Bri-tain into these dark days."

11. And the people cried out with one voice, "במזג אוויר קופים פליז זה? אני צריך קקאו!" Which is to say, "In this weather of the monkeys of brass? I should hot drink made with roasted and ground cacao seeds mixed with milk and water!"

12. Although Keir, chief of the Labourites, did indeed go forth into the streets. However, he took no cocoa with him, lest he be arrested by the guards for committing the great crime known as Pic-nic.

Keir signalleth virtue.

Continued in Chapter 13.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 8: Blood, Sweat and Tiers

Continued from Chapter 7.

1. Then two prophets came unto Bosis, their names being Witty and Valiant.

2. And they spake out unto him, saying "Beware the second wave!"

3. For Bosis had led the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt, so that the sea divided them, but now it seemed that a second wave might still engulf them.

Bo-sis feareth the second wave.

4. And Witty and Valiant continued to prophesy, saying "Beware an Exponential Growth," which is how prophets say "We know not what will happen next but it could be very bad."

5. And the news came from a distant land that Donald the trumpet-player, whose hair was orange, had also been stricken down by the plague.

6. But Donald took to his bed and consumed a blessed potion known as a-spi-rin, by which he was miraculously healed in a few hours. Although his hair was still orange.

7. Then Bo-sis decided that the best way to fight the plague was to send out letters known as proper gander, that the children of Bri-tain might be encouraged.

No man understandeth Bo-sis.

8. He shouted out great words of power, "BUILD BACK BETTER," which was also the cry of many other leaders who knew not what to do.

9. Peradventure Bo-sis wished them to build walls to protect against the second wave, or become body-builders to make their backs better? No man could say what the words meant.

10. But the fruitful mind of Bo-sis was able to devise other means of combatting the plague, and he decreed that all taverns must shut at the tenth hour.

11. He ordered that the people must cease their revels, go back to their dwellings, wash their hands seventy times seven times, brush their teeth, say their prayers, and go to their beds.

12. And it was so.

13. But his enemy Keir, chief of the Labourites, was also a man with a brilliant mind, and he proposed what he called a Circuit Breaker.

14. For the children of Bri-tain had been going round in circles for many weeks, like unto the chicken that hath lost its head, and it was time to break this circuit by putting everyone to sleep for two weeks.

15. But this did not come to pass.

16. Then Boris attempted to cheer the children of Bri-tain, many of whom were no longer able to work, by another letter of proper gander.

Bosis encourageth Fatima to go to the land of Cyber.

17. For there was a surplus of dancers in the land, since all the nurses and doctors had given up their work to make pictures of themselves dancing, which they showed on the tube of You.

18. But all the people sang the song of Bo-sis and felt much better:

Hands, face, space, 
Build, back, better, 
Rethink, reskill, reboot.

19. Still, in spite of all these signs of true leadership, Bo-sis was unable to stop the plague.

20. And he spake out saying "I have nothing to offer ye except blood, sweat and tiers."

21. Thus he divided Bri-tain into three parts, known as tiers.

22. To the first tier he said "Ye shall live and prosper." To the second "Ye shall be very ill." And to the third "Ye shall die."

23. And all the people rejoiced, except perhaps those in the third tier.

Continued in Chapter 9.