The Book of Covidicus 24 - they think it's all over

Continued from Chapter 23.

1. Two years after the coming of the plague, it was decided that, after all, it was no longer slaying all the world, and had become much weaker.

2. No longer were the people asked to test themselves by waggling little sticks up their noses, screaming in agony, and then dipping the sticks into a mystic potion that could tell them if they were sick.

Congratulations, my son. Thou dost not have the plague.

3. However the rich merchants of Phi-za were still hoping to deliver seventy times seven vixens to every man, woman, and child.

4. Also, the children of Bri-tain stopped discussing the grave issue of whether Bo-sis had eaten a cake on his birthday.

5. Yeah, even Keir of the Labourites no longer mentioned the question more than three times per day.

6. For in the east there ruled a mighty tyrant known as Pu-tin of the Russites, grandson of Sta-lin, great-grandson of Le-nin, and he attacked the land of the Ukrainites.

Pu-tin knoweth his Enemy!

7. And such was his madness that he threatened to use the weapons known as nu-clear if the children of Bri-tain, the land of EUgypt, or even the distant Americas decided to fight.

8. Although the rich merchants of Phi-za promised to produce a vixen that would conquer all radiation as it done the great plague - maybe not the first time, and not the second time, but surely the seventy times seventh time.

9. And all the children of Bri-tain had to do was to waggle little sticks in their noses to discover whether they were emitting the ray that is gamma.

10. In which case, they would simply have to self-isolate in a concrete bunker for forty years.

Concrete bunker Sainte Bernadette du Banlay

11. And the children of Bri-tain cried out, "Oh no, not again! They want us to wear masks as well!"

12. So the monks who wrote the mighty books of Brexodus and Covidicus wondered whether it was time to bring this one to an end and begin a new story.

13. But should it be named The Book of Numbskulls or something else?

The story continues here.

The Book of Covidicus 23: let him eat cake!

Continued from Chapter 22.

1. So the new year dawned, and the children of Bri-tain forgot the plague and worried instead about the wild parties attended by Bo-sis.

2. For the street of Downing had been a land flowing with wine and cheese.

3. But the Sages continued to prophesy the end of the world, as did the models of Neil, Son of Fergus.

4. Yet the people refused to die any faster than they had before. So Bo-sis decided to bring an end to Plan B.

5. From now on, it would be possible to enter the grand halls without a vixen, and to rob banks without a mask; and nobody needed to be tested more than five times a day.

6. So the people looked out to more distant parts of the world. For the Russites were ready to fight the Ukrainites.

All is well - the Russites are wearing masks.

7. However, there were far more urgent problems to worry the children of Bri-tain.

8. For on all corners the cry went up "Did Bo-sis eat a cake?"

9. For many this was a step too far, and the cry went up for Bo-sis to resign, and be replaced by Su-nak, or the Lady Truss. Or even Keir of the Starmerites.

10. And at this time Cam-aaron appeared once more, dressed in strange vestments like unto a merchant from Dodji. And the people were sore afraid.

Mayhap Bo-sis was not so bad after all.

11. Then a very aged man called Hess El-Tine was summoned from the dead to say that Bo-sis should go, and that this would open the can that containeth worms.

12. For then, he said, Brexodus should end; that is, the children of Bri-tain should return to EUgypt.

13. So for several weeks the children of Bri-tain talked of little else except parties and cakes.

"Cake? What cake?"

Continued in Chapter 24.

The Book of Covidicus 21: the Omicron cometh

Continued from Chapter 20.

1. It came to pass that Bo-sis lost confidence in his advisers, be they the wise Sages, Neil, son of Ferguson, or even Sajidiah the bald.

2. Thus he went to visit the wise woman Pepperoni, blessed with a face like a hairdryer, who, as many cruel men said, came from a tribe of swine.

The wise woman Pepperoni.

3. And Bo-sis came back in great excitement, telling all the world that Pepperoni was most wondrous wise, and that he had learned a lot from her.

4. But what he had learned no man shall never know, for soon afterwards there came another deadly form of the plague.

5. This one was named Omicron although it should have more properly have been named after Xi-who-must-be-obeyed, the Emperor of China.

Xi-who-must-be-obeyed (pronouns Xi/Xer).

6. And this plague was the most deadly of all, as it had no effects whatsoever.

7. So Bo-sis spake out, saying, "If thou feelest healthy, then most probably thou hast caught the new plague, and should retire to thy bed for a month."

8. "For otherwise thou mayst infect thy neighbour, and he too will feel healthy."

9. And the people replied, "Now, that is the kind of plague that I like!"

10. Still, to be on the safe side, Bo-sis decreed that all men should once more cover their faces in the markets and also in the chariots known as public transport.

Bo-sis discovereth a strange side-effect of the latest vixen.

11. However, for the moment, he did not insist that all the world should be vaxed.

12. For in foreign countries, such as the southern land known as Australis where men tied down kangaroos for sport, those who refused the seventh vixen were cast into the camps of concentration and left to starve.

13. Thus proving that the death rate among the unvaxed could be very high.

Continued in Chapter 22.

The Book of Covidicus 19: Bosis's popularity waneth

Continued from Chapter 18.

1. Thus, after the children of Bri-tain were given their freedom, they passed forty days and forty nights enjoying the rain that droppeth from Heaven in the summer.

2. Or possibly fifty days and fifty nights, for all the days were alike.

3. The children of Bri-tain could now go out into the streets and the markets without masks, provided that they did not mind the occasional cries of "WEAR A MASK THOU FASCIST! THOU HAST KILLED MY FAMILY! MY LIFE AND HAPPINESS HAVE BEEN STOLEN!"

"Alas, this mask beareth no instructions."

4. Also, many had received the vixen that protecteth man from all diseases, and were therefore awarded the title of "first class citizen".

5. Those who refused the vixen, perhaps because they thought it was evil, or they thought it was useless, or they thought it was dangerous, became second-class citizens.

6. They were forced to carry a bell with them, which they rang, and to cry "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" as they walked through the streets feeding on scraps of rotten food.

7. Although Bo-sis had promised that there would be no preference given to those who had received the vixen, neither would there be passports that they could carry.

Criminals guilty of vax evasion.

8. Also, there was a shortage of people to drive the ox-carts on which food was delivered. Thus, there was no food in the markets (although it mostly seemed to affect those people who had voted to remain in EU-gypt).

9. Still, life was even worse in other lands. In the land of Australis, where men walk upon their heads, all the people were locked in their homes, and the officers of the law, like unto a roaring wallaby, walked about, seeking whom they might devour.

10. Even in the land of EU-gypt, where man could no longer feast on the leg of the snail and the frog, or possibly the other way round, the people suffered much. Many crossed the Red Sea in small boats, that they might come to the promised land of Bri-tain, which flowed with milk and honey (deliveries permitting).

11. Then Bo-sis had a new idea, that all the children of Bri-tain should be taxed (as well as vaxed).

12. For he said, "We must protect the National Health Service, that hath saved so many lives. For if thou sufferest from the plague, then all thou needst do is to call them, and they will tell thee how to make an Intensive Care Unit using a lawnmower and a bicycle pump in thy garden shed. For it is too dangerous for a doctor to see thee.

13. And now these people need our money, that they may appoint more managers, equality and diversity officers, and dancing coordinators.

Bo-sis prepareth to deliver "social care".

14. Also we shall see that no man payeth more than six-and-eighty gold pieces for care in his old age: for we shall kill him when the money is spent."

15. And the people began to mutter "Mayhap Keir, chief of the Labourites, is not much more useless than Bo-sis."

Continued in Chapter 20.

Worries grow over side-effects of Vaticanation

The Vatican II jab, introduced in the 1960s as a way of countering the widespread TLM Cathovirus, has long been regarded with suspicion; indeed in 2007 President Benedict prescribed a dose of Summorum Pontificum instead, suggesting to the general public that the TLM was really nothing to worry about, and "Vatican II" passports would not be necessary for travel to distant places such as Heaven.

President Francis gets his booster Vatican II jab.

The current President, Francis, is less enthusiastic, relying largely on advice from Dr Arthur Rauci, his chief scientist; indeed there are rumours to the effect that Summorum Pontificum will soon be put on the "forbidden" list.

Still, the Vatican II jab can have serious consequences, especially in its "Spirit of Vatican II" form, and as a public service we are now providing a listing of some of the side-effects suffered by recipients of the injection.

Common side-effects.

An inclination to grope people in Church as a "Sign of Peace";
Singing bad hymns;
Female altar-servers.

Protective lanyards for use in Mass.

Rare but more serious side-effects.

Liturgical dancing;
Clowns and puppets;
Blessing homosexual unions (the German variant).

Fatal side-effects (very rare).

Idol worship, also known as Pachamamitis.

"I believe that masks will protect us from the Latin Mass" says Dr Arthur Rauci.

This has been a public service announcement.

The Book of Covidicus 16: Freedom Postponed

Continued from Chapter 15.

1. Now Bosis had decreed that on the longest day of the year, namely the twenty-first day of June, the children of Bri-tain would regain their freedom once more.

2. For, having once spoken of "three weeks to flatten the curve", "just another two months to save the Service of Health", "six months to turn the tide", "another five years to follow my roadmap", and "my adviser, Neil, son of Fergus, saith that in three hundred years we may have the plague under control," he had finally decided to let his people go.

3. But before this could happen, Bo-sis himself wed a comely maiden named Carrie. For he had suddenly noticed that this lady had dwelt in his tents for two years, and that he had even begotten a son from her, named Wil-fred, which signifieth "He who wants peace".

4. For it is said that Carrie gave Bo-sis no peace; and still less did Wil-fred.

5. Thus, being a devoutly religious man, Bo-sis made his way to the mighty temple of West Minster, and made an honest woman of Carrie, or at least as honest as he himself was.

"Are you number 3 or number 4? I forget."

6. But as the summer approached, Bo-sis was sore afraid, for the Indian variant of the plague had now mutated its name and was now called the Delta variant, in honour of the Ganges Delta.

7. And this Delta variant was not a kind and friendly plague, like unto the Alpha, Beta, and Gamma variants, but a cruel and hostile variant.

8. Thus Bo-sis went to the box in which he kept his plans, and started to develop new plans, such as "just one more month to flatten the delta".

9. Also, it was still necessary that all the world should be vaxed at least twice, then once more in the autumn, then once more at Christmas.

10. Further, all men should be tested three times per day to see whether they had caught the plague. For the new symptoms were very hard to detect, being exactly the same as a cold, or a hay fever, or in some cases perfect health.

Little did Bo-sis know that the plague was transmitted via the elbows.

11. Then, as all the children of Bri-tain quaked in fear at the onset of this invisible plague, Bo-sis invited some of the greatest leaders of the world to a mighty party known as G Seven: for they were nine.

12. In fact these G Seven men, and their families, had been chosen because they were totally immune to the plague. Thus, they could mix in crowds, and avoid imprisonment in the dungeons known as Qumran-tine, and still the plague touched them not.

13. However, the common people were still to be locked down for another month, lest they go to the theatre, or sing in church, after which the Delta plague would surely inflict them with wheezles and sneezles.

The Queen cutteth a cake in a socially-distanced manner.

Continued in Chapter 17.

The Book of Covidicus 15: a new threat

Continued from Chapter 14.

1. So the weeks rolled on, and the children of Bri-tain received the magic vixen that promised immortality.

2. And they continued to wear masks, even when walking in the wilderness miles from any other life save the locusts, quails, and wild beasts.

3. Now Bo-sis consulted with a team of wise men known as SAGEs: these included experts in astrology, decolonized poetry, necromancy, non-binary algebra, voodoo, post-feminist transgender studies, civilised engineering, anti-racist sackbut-playing, wizardry, and comedy.

4. The last of these was Neil, son of Fergus, who had surrounded himself with beautiful models, all of which gave wrong answers when questioned.

The sages tell Bo-sis how to deal with the plague.

5. So, as the sages continued to deliberate, Bo-sis remembered his solemn promise to the children of Bri-tain, that he would not require them to carry papers, known as passports, to prove that they had received the vixen.

6. Thus he spake out one day, saying, "I have had a jolly good wheeze, chaps! Let us require you to carry papers, known as passports, to prove that you have received the vixen!"

7. But before any serious decision could be taken, Bo-sis was forced to launch an assault on the pool known as Hartley, which had been possessed by the Starmerites as long as anyone could remember. For this was the time known as by-election.

The famous Statue of Liberty at Hartley's Pool.

8. It came to pass that Hartley's pool fell to Bo-sis, and he rejoiced greatly. And the Starmerites wept, saying, "The workers of Hartley's pool are indeed different from our own people of Islington: for they are hewers of timber, and drawers of water, and they hardly ever kneel down in memory of the blessed Floyd."

9. However, the people of Islington rejoiced, for Genghis, known as Khan, was reappointed as supreme leader of the Londonites, following a massive support from the criminal community.

10. Now, the time was fast approaching when the third step of Bo-sis's road map should be reached. Thus, the children of Bri-tain could visit each other's dwellings once more.

11. Also, gatherings outside were permitted, with no more than thirty people allowed, unless they had come to tear down statues, loot the shops, or attack the guards known as policemen.

12. And the SAGEs issued instructions, explaining how the children of Bri-tain should hug each other: for it was so long since people had been permitted so to do that they had completely forgotten.

Two members of SAGE demonstrate the Sign of Peace.

13. But there now came a new threat from far India: for the plague had mutated into a new more fearsome disease, known as Vindaloo, which caused a fever, a burning of the tongue, and an acidic stomach. The only known remedy for this illness was to drink of the mighty potion known as lager.

14. And the children of Bri-tain were severely perturbed, as this was likely to delay the promised return to normal living, which was due a month thence: thus they would be unable to finish the Book of Covidicus and move on to the book of Numbskulls.

Continued in Chapter 16.

The Book of Covidicus 14: the Road Map

Continued from Chapter 13.

1. Over the next month, the children of Bri-tain were mightily vaxed, some with the AstroLogica vixen, and some with the Pfizicians' vixen.

2. And much was the dispute over which vixen (if either) was safe.

3. In the end it was agreed that both vixens were dangerous for anyone over the age of two score and ten years or under the age of three score years. So all men were equally content.

A new hope.

4. Then Bo-sis thought deeply and came up with a "Smashing Wheeze, Chaps!" However, his advisers counselled him to give it another name, and so he called it a "Road Map".

5. For it was a brilliant plan, by which the children of Bri-tain could be led from the swamps of Covid into the promised land of milk and honey (beer and crisps would also be available).

6. So as springtime arrived, the people rejoiced, for they were now permitted to sit in each other's gardens and watch the rain fall.

"Alas, your Majesty, only six people may attend your garden party."

7. But woe betide them if they entered the houses of their friends: for if they did they would be cast into the deepest dungeons.

8. Moreover, they were not permitted to flee the country, even to return to the land of EU-gypt: for the only people who could come to Britain must travel in the boats of rubber in order to seek refuge from the evil tyrants of EU-gypt, Ursula of Lebanon and Emmanuel Macrabaeus of the Frenchites.

9. So the children of Bri-tain, who wished above all to go to the houses that were called public, studied the Road Map of Bo-sis to see what new liberties would be granted to them.

10. And they rejoiced to see that soon they would be allowed to have their hair cut, to buy non-essential goods such as clothes, and to hold lavish weddings with fifteen guests.

11. Indeed, for many months the children of Bri-tain had grown their hair, dressed in rags, and remained unwed. So that in fact most of the people now resembled Bo-sis himself.

"My brother Bo-sis is an hairy man. And now I am an hairy man too."

Continued in Chapter 15.

The Lenten temptations of Eccles

1. So, the season of Lent having arrived, Eccles went into the wilderness to pray.

2. And the Devil came unto him in his hermitage, and said "Eccles, why dost thou not go for a walk, and sit on the ground, eating the food known as pic-nic?"

3. For it was the time of plague, and the Devil had said these words to tempt him.

4. And Eccles replied, "Man cannot live by picnics alone. Besides there is a fine of ten thousand gold pieces for anyone who picnicketh at these times. For picnics kill people."

The first temptation.

5. Then the Devil tempted him again, saying, "Even hermits must enter into the markets to buy food. Why not go into the land known as Tesco without wearing a mask?"

6. And Eccles replied, "Is it not written in the scriptures, cover thy face lest thou be cast into the deepest dungeon?"

Fighting against the second temptation.

7. Then the Devil tempted him one final time, saying, "Lo! There is another hermit who dwelleth in this part of the wilderness. Why not go and have a cup of tea with her?"

8. But Eccles replied, "Get thee behind me, Satan, and remain at a distance of four cubits from me. For it is written, 'Hands, Face, Space.' Now, excuse me for I have to protect the National Health Service by clapping."

A gang of sinners.

9. So the Devil went away and tempted him no more, at least not until the next set of silly regulations came forth from the mouth of Caesar Boris.

The book of Covidicus, Chapter 13: the AstroLogica Vixen

Continued from Chapter 12

1. It had been decided that all the world should be Vaxed, and the wise men produced a vixen to protect the people from the plague.

2. Nobody was sure what it did until they consulted the stars, so they named it the AstroLogica vixen.

3. Now Bo-sis and his servant Matthew of Hanoch had already ordered large numbers of the AstroLogica vixen, but their neighbour in EUgypt, the Pharaoh Ursula of Lebanon, had not ordered hers in a timely fashion.

The parable of the foolish vixens.

4. So she said unto the astrologers, "Give me of your vixen, which we did not order!" But the astrologers knew of the parable of the Foolish Vixens, and refused to give of their vixen.

5. And Macrabaeus of the Frenchites, he that was called Emmanuel, spake out, saying "In sooth, the vixen does not work! It is essential that ye give it to us!"

6. Meanwhile, the plague continued to rage, and the people were still locked down.

7. But many people came into Bri-tain from distant parts, where the plague raged even fiercer.

8. These included the kingdoms of Sheba, of Ethiopia, of Mesopotamia, and even the lands previously undiscovered, such as the most distant parts of Africa.

9. Also, one that was called Eswatini, which was clearly an invented name.

10. So Bo-sis spake out, saying "Let us welcome all those who come from the three-and-thirty lands where the plague rageth, and let us lock them up for ten days in the mighty tower that is called Fawlty.

11. There my servants Basil, Sybil, Polly and Manuel will care for them." And it was so.

St Basil healeth the wounded chariot.

12. But the children of Bri-tain continued to rage against the lockdown, and so Bo-sis consulted the wise men of the land, who came up with an answer.

13. "We shall open the houses that are called public: but the people shall not be permitted to look on the wine when it is red, nor the ale when it is brown, nor even the gin that is a snare.

14. Likewise the hostels known as chippy, where the lover of good food eateth: they shall remain open, but they shall not be permitted to serve food.

15. The temples in which dwell the doctors of medicine shall remain open: but only those who are fit and well may visit.

16. Likewise, the dental surgeons shall only be allowed to remove the teeth that are healthy.

A servant civilly maintaineth the distancing that is social.

17. Finally, the mighty offices where dwell the servants that are civil shall be open: but these servants shall not work.

18. So no change there."

Continued in Chapter 14.