Is you a relligiuos maniac?

I is postponnin de rest of de story of my Anti Moly's visit to Sidney, cos I likes to keep poeple in suspense. So todday's blogg is abuot de doctor wot was illegedly sacked by a hopsital, cos he e-maled a prayer to his collaegues. We Chritsians wot is saved doesnt like to be accused of relligiuos mania, so here for de beneffit of Brittish readers is a list of DOs and DONTs, explanin what you is allowed to do nowadays.

DONT say "Bless you" if someone sneezes in de hopsital. Dis is a prayer, and you is gonna be in truoble. If you is a nurse in a hopsital, DO just ignore de patient, as you wuold normally. And if dey has a fit and drops dead, DONT say "Oh my God" as dat is also a prayer, and you will be marked down as a fanattical fundamentallist. DO just go away and have a cup of tea. You may also be able to sue de hopsital for copmensatoin, as you has had de harrowin experience of seein a dead boddy.

Dat's a Pop sneezin. I dont known whevver anyone said "Bless you" to him, or is dat bein cheeky?

If you is a famuous athiest bein interveiwed on de radio, and you cant remember de tittle of Darwin's book about de origin of speeches, den DONT say "Oh God, um..." as dat is braodcastin a prayer, and you will look even sillier dan usaul.

If you is mentoinin Christ, DONT say "Christ de King" or "Christ de Redeemer", but DO say fings like "Christ on a bike" or "Jesus wept!"

I aint never reely understood dat, as de Bibble mentoins ridin on donkeys but not bycicles. My bruvver Bosco explaned to me dat in Matthew 15:21 Jesus "departed into the coasts of Tyre and Saddle," and he reckons dat means He went on a bike.

However, if you is a Musslim, DO say "Allah is de God, buster, and Mohamed is reely grate, has you got a probblem wiv dat?" cos you aint gonna be told off for it. Still, it's probabbly best not to discuss whevver Mahommed ever rode a bycicle, unless you wants a Fattwar against you.

Dat's a different Mahommed, wot flaots like a buterfly and stings like a bee. I fink he used to hit poeple as well.

DONT ever wear a cruciffix (I blogged about dis alreddy) as dat is a cymbal of relligious bigottry, but DO wear a burker, if you is female, as dat is a cymbal of wommen's libberatoin, and tollerance of uvver cultures. It sure is difficult livin in modern Britian.

De reely bad news is dat we in de Calumny Chappel aint supposed to go up to people in de street and say "Is you saved, bruvver?" and den hit dem over de head wiv de Bibble until dey gives in. In de words of my Anti Moly (who is well-known for emptying de washin-up bowl over carol signers), it wuold be "Wofl."