This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 31 May 2012

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 2

Continued from Chapter 1

1.Thus it came to pass that in the eighth year of the reign of Queen Elizabeth, when Macmillan was governor of Westminster, a youth by the name of Richard Dawkins went to Oxford to study zoology.

2. And he learned the ways of the ferret, yeah and the ways of the terrapin. The ways of the donkey and the vole studied he also, and for many days he studied the ways of the earwig. And... (Get on with it. God.)

3. But the way of the marsh-wiggle studied he not, nor the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal. Neither did he study the way of the snark.

4. Nor indeed did he study the ways of the cookie monster. For the learned professors in their wisdom said unto Richard, "These animals are a snare and a delusion, and not real animals at all."

cookie monster

A snare and a delusion

5. And Richard was troubled in his heart and said, "Surely this proves that God is also a delusion?" For logic was not his strong point.

6. Thus after three years of study, in which he learned the ways of the possum, yeah and the ways of the whelk... (I said, get on with it. God.)

7. It came to pass that Richard said to himself, "I am as clever as anyone else round here, and I shall write a thesis on animal behaviour."

8. And the learned doctors they said, "Richard, thou whose mind is as the icebergs of the north, vast but frozen, go thou forth and write a thesis on models of animal decision-making."

9. And Richard said, "Yea, I shall tell the world how chickens make decisions. How doth the little chicken know when to say 'cheep' and when to remain silent? How doth a wise chicken weigh up the evidence and decide that there is no God? Why doth the foolish chicken sing 'cluck' to the Lord?"

decisive chicken

A decisive chicken

10. Thus three years passed, and Richard wrote his mighty thesis. And the men of Oxford said, "Richard, you are too brainy for us. Go thou to Berkeley."

11. And Richard took unto himself a wife, the first of three comely wenches to be fascinated by his charm and animal magnetism, and he made his way to California, the land of the fanatical, the deranged, and the exhibitionist. Strangely, he felt at home there.

12. And it came to pass after three more years, that Richard decided that the time had come to grow into manhood, for he was twenty-nine years of age and people were starting to say, "Surely this limey kook is the oldest hippie on campus?"

13. And so Richard returned to Oxford, there to take up the post of lecturer in zoology.

14. And he spake unto the people, telling them the ways of the hedgehog, and the emu, and... (I warned you. God.)

Richard Dawkins

An Oxford zoologist

Continued in Chapter 3.


  1. The excitement builds - is he going to be the next Dr. Who?

  2. Not quite. But he does get to go to Lalla land

  3. We will get to de grate romance wiv a lady from Gallifrey, but at present he is still wiv de first wife. De way of a boigrapher aint easy.

    1. It is a hard way, dearest eccles. Are Dr. Dawkin's selfish jeans involved?

  4. Thank you doctor for another interesting blog, but I have to disagree with you because it's my medication time. I think anyone called Richard is a nice man (9/10) Nurse! Nurse! Take the Richard away please! He's doing my head in! (7/10)
    Aaaaaargh! The snark was a boojum, you see?

  5. Apocrypha :

    ... and the baboon, and the platypus, and the rabbit, and the ferret, and the velociraptor, and yea even the dodo that is no more, and the stinkbug, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the rabbit, and the dire wolf that is past except in the workes of GRRM where it lives eternal, and the gnat, and the chupacabra, and the rabbit, and the clichéd eyeball-eater, and the cockroach, and yea the Dawkins who is nothing more than a hairless ape himself, and the antelope, and the ostrich, and the rabbit, and the donkey, and the bee, and yea even the helicobacter pylori that thriveth on the gin and hair restorer to be found in old ladies' stomachs, and the rabbit, and the haddock, and (OK that's it, smite-time : CRRRaaaaAAAAccCCKKlle-KA-KA-THA-BANGA-BUNGA-BUNGA-KA-ZZZZAAAPPPPPP-A-KA-THOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM !!!!!!)

  6. And so it came to pass that the land was filled with rabits, at least in the imagination of the loud. And damian saw it and thught 'why did I start this?' He then went forth and multiplied.