This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday 17 May 2012

Four out of ten old ladies drink hair-restorer


A geust blogg from Damain Thopmson
 


Damian

Up to 40% of old ladies drink hair-restorer, according to recent research undertaken by the University of Adelaide. My own informal observations bear this out, as Patient M, a ridiculously old lady who is also currently my guest in Castle Thompson - as is her great-nephew, a charming man called Eccles - has turned out to be a consumer of many unusual products.

My butler, Will Heaven, reports that Anti Moly, as Eccles calls her, began by drinking my supplies of gin and whisky, but, when he started to lock these up, she turned to other substances.

Fix

Did I mention that I have written a book on addiction, called The Fix? Do buy a copy. I am hoping that Eccles will agree to serialize excerpts on his lovely blog. Anyway, in my book I treat all sorts of addictions and obsessions: for example, there is a biologist in South America who is addicted to stories of clerical child abuse, having a whole laboratory wall decorated with stories from the Puffington Post and the New Yawn Times. Another strange addiction I write about is cinnabons, a sticky cake much loved by Yorkshire bishops.

Returning to Patient M, once she had run out of conventional alcoholic drinks, she drank a bottle of my Geoffrey Lean hair-restorer; then she went to the garage and drank my supply of Delinpol anti-freeze (much to the annoyance of Hannan my chauffeur). Finally, getting desperate, she drank a bottle of her own Possumgon, a product she uses to protect the roof of her Australian home from enthusiastic marsupials.

Her drinking is irregular, but when she decides to have a "binge" or "meltdown," she is often seen on the internet, posting insults on blogs (including my own). For some reasons she particularly hates Catholics, especially serious ones.

Patient M seems to be immune to poison, according to her nephew Eccles. The old photograph below shows M and her friend informing a visitor that they had added some arsenic to his drink, "To give it some bite."

Arsenic and Old Lace

Well, it's difficult to know what to do in such cases, but if enough people buy my book The Fix, I will be able to do some more in-depth research (Tenerife looks like a promising place to start).

16 comments:

  1. LOL! I wish it was only 4 out of 10 atheists on Damain's blogg what was addicted to writing about child abuse - that would halve the current ratio!

    xx Jess

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  2. What a star you are, Eccles! One of the funniest blog posts I have read for ages.

    I am now taking a well earned break from the pointless trench warfare of countering the anti-Catholic nutters the Damain Thompson blog. I would be very grateful if the paranoids there would accept the fact that I am not commenting now. They will doubtless ascribe to me any commenters they take exception to, as usual.

    Well, fuck it, who cares?

    An anonymous marsupial.

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    Replies
    1. Some of us do Mr. R - we care becos we know you are one of the good guys - as for the others - they can go on a long trip to Lake Hellsinus. xx Jess

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    2. Jess, it's good to see you finding your voice and asserting yourself quietly and in such a measured way. Unlike me, with rabit paw in mouth as usual...

      That's mainly why I am taking a break. I've lost any sense of there being a point in this Punch and Judy8 show because the adversaries don't really matter to me any longer. They have proved their worthlessness.

      Neverthless, I admire your tenacity. Let it never be forgotten that the trolls on the DT blog were responsible for the bullying and mobbing attack that you experienced (when we Catholics came to your assistance) but you were not intimidated by them and here you are, renewed in strength.

      The nasties compounded their assault by suggesting (over several months) that you were an 'invented character' and not a real person, so denying you any reality. Here you are now, and you are very real.

      This is one of the lies of militant atheism: in the end individuals do not count, in their view. With God, every sparrow is part of His creation and He cares.

      God speed, young sparrow!

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    3. Oh, Mr. R - that is so nice of you xx. Your help, and that of the gallant click is something I will not forget. Indeed, it is the memory of it that made me come back. They're just horrid nasties,and given they keep changing their names, they are pretty hypocritical to criticise others.
      You are far too good for them, and your gifts wasted on them. Your encouragement to me, and to other, even younger people, is a great thing to us - thank you for it.
      This sparrow will do her best for her White Knight.
      xx Jess

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  3. People accused of being Rabit count tonight
    Jabba Pappa 1-Phil
    Mahatma 1 - Phil

    Damian accused of practising Sociology without an off-licence
    1 = Iberian Ibis

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    Replies
    1. Also (in absentia) Jessica 1 - Phil

      The man (or possibly woman) appears to have no powers of discernment whatever.

      Delete
    2. That should now read: (in absentia) Jessica 2* - Phil and Petersfriend* (* where not coterminous)

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    3. We're all the rabbit obviously.

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    4. If I was the rabit I'd be very proud. But I am just a little sparrow - encouraged by Mr R. They are beneath whatever is beneath contempt.
      Long live the Rabit and the gallant click - confusion to all Telegraphies! xx Jess

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    5. I have found a GREAT documentary about the unleashing of the Rabbit's sockpuppets on the Daily Telegraph blogs :

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xulXFB3-A3c

      See if you can spot the Telegraphies in the crowd !!

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    6. I think Molly is the one with the shotgun, and Pholas must be the emasculated twerp she's protecting.

      Excellent depiction of a typical flame war against the Rabbit at the end there !!!

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    7. I see that 'Iwouldn't knowthetruth ifitbitme' is, along with his Mr. Slope, still claiming that I am the Rabit. Well, as the Duke of Wellington said in another context: 'If you believe that, sir, you will believe anything.'

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  4. "Damian accused of practising Sociology without an off-licence"

    I would write "ROFL" but since Micky Toss has so discredited this response through over-use, and since "I pissed myself" would be an exaggeration, let's just say that was quite funny.

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  5. This must be the first time that Judy has been described as "patient".

    Nice blog, Jess. Keep it going.

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    Replies
    1. I am sure you are right about moly - there is usually the word 'a' before the word 'patient' :)

      Thanx for the encouragement, Clothilde - it means a lot that you and others here smile on my efforts. xx Jess

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