This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday 21 December 2012

Desert Island Discs

Wendy Beckett

"Now this statue of a Cardinal is very lifelike indeed."

Nasty Young: So, Sister Wendy, the Pope has suggested that you take your life as a hermit to its next stage, and move to a desert island?

Sr Wendy: Yes, until recently I was living the contemplative life, sometimes not speaking to anyone for as long as ten minutes at a time. My only contact with the outside world was my regular television broadcast. But the Holy Father thinks I could take this further.

Nasty Kirsty

Now, as a BBC employee, I feel it is my duty to insult the Catholic church.

Don't you think that all the evils of the world would go away if the Catholic church would only change its views on contraception, abortion, and women priests? Why can't it adopt the values of the BBC, as laid down by Sir Jimmy Savile? I mean, look at the real problems of the world - HIV, famine, genocide, cancer, Norovirus, wet weather, the price of designer clothes, the train service - why isn't the Vatican taking responsibility for all of these?

Well, Kirsty, I am sure that the Pope is listening to this programme - I know he's a great fan of mine - and we are all praying that he will lead the Catholic church into a position where it will not cause any offence to secularists.

Same-sex marriage

This charming work of Renaissance art reminds us that God wanted men to marry each other.

Now, your first disc is that famous rugby song, "Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness," sung by the choir of Christ Church, Oxford. Did you choose it because it reminds you of your university days?

Oh, definitely. Did I mention that I went to Oxford, and my examiner, Professor Tolkien said I was the cleverest person he'd ever seen? Then I told him I wanted to be a nun, and he made a joke about habits and hobbits. When I finally took my vows, I planned to take the name of Sister Brainy, but the Mother Superior advised me against it, so I became known as Sister Humility instead...

Mona Lisa

My luxury item - an unfinished masterpiece by Leonardo da Vinci.

If you hated this piece, then you will certainly not wish to read this:

The best in Catholic journalism.


  1. I decided I wanted to kill Sr Wendy, apart from not fending of Kirsty (Youngs?) anti-Catholic BBC vitriol, she just seemed obsessed by herself and her exploits.
    You summed her up well "Sr Humility": "same results as Harold Wilson", "greeted by cheering undergraduates". Is she Fr Michael Seeds long lost Grate-Anti Moly?

  2. Sister Wendy: Reverend Mother, I should like to become a hermit.
    Superior: Wonderful! You may start immediately!

  3. I fink dat da modurn art has unsaved her.

  4. Poor Sister Wendy. She was stitched like the Bayeux Tapestry. Probably given two sherries in the green room before going on.

  5. Dat is just a little bit crool, bruvver. Funny, yea very, and not fully undeserved, but a little harsh. Unlike the besweatered busybodies masquerading as nuns in diocesan offices all over dis land, goin out to even orfodox parishes to utter platitudes and destructivities abaht "de spirit of Vatican 2" in de manner of local authority bureaucrats, at least this nun dresses like a nun. Agreed on de other points, but just imagine how much worse she'd be if she worked for, se, Bentwud diocese, bruvver, I b seech you

  6. darling eccles, I woz still recoverin from de flue, and so fought dis was de result of delerium; p'raps it woz? xx Jess

  7. p.s. dusn't you fink mi spellin is gettin betta? xx Jess

    1. Your spellin is wondreful, Jess, and I hopes dat you aint gonna have any more deliriuos dreams of nuns on de radio.