This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 16 December 2012

The World will end on Friday

A sermon from Pastor Noodle of the Calumny Chapel.

The big question today is: will the World be ending on Friday, 21st December 2012 when the Mayan Calendar comes to an end? At first I was sceptical about this theory, but, when I went into the newsagents and asked the assistant for a 2013 Mayan calendar, she said that they were unavailable, and then I knew that there might be trouble.

Calendar

My current Mayan calendar (as you can see, we're running out of time).

Although Mayan worshippers are almost certainly not saved people, all the evidence is that the world is coming to an end. Here are some of the amazing signs I have noticed:

  • The Pope appears on Twitter as @Pontifex and says Armageddon is next Friday, my dear friends. Don't miss it! LOL.
  • David Cameron is definitively named as the Anti-Christ by a group of archbishops, especially trained to look out for Him when He arrives.
  • Paul Inwood writes a new Apocalypso chant, It's the Beastie, it's the Beastie, it's the Beast, 6-6-6, for use in Portsmouth whenever Bishop Egan isn't looking.
  • Catherine Pepinster converts to Catholicism, smashes her statue of Hans Küng, and swears loyalty to the Pope.
I have brought with me an object that contains much spiritual nourishment, and a certain amount of mystery. It's a pot of "Naise," an oil that some sects use in a ceremony of unction. The jar carries the apocalyptic message that Only the "Best" will be brought out. Make sure that includes you!

Mayan Naise

Mayan "Naise." Note the significance of "Hell, man!"

Another Mayan relic has been sighted that is worthy of mention. Let me introduce her with some lines from her Christmas poem, Amazing Peace:

We clap hands and welcome the Peace of Christmas.
We beckon this good season to wait a while with us.
We, Baptist and Buddhist, Methodist and Muslim, say come.
Peace.
Yes, it's the great Maya Angelou, the woman with a tin ear for rhythm, a very vague idea of spirituality, but a gift for alliteration.

Maya Angelou

The Mayan Angelou - a sign that the world is ending.

These are exciting times, brothers, and you are advised to be ready for the End of the World. Remember that money and personal possessions will be of no use to you from Friday. So, in order to improve your chances of being saved, I suggest you leave them with me.

I shall be away next Sunday.

7 comments:

  1. Darling eccles, did anyone else see the resemblance between Mayan Angelou and Opray Winfrey? Are they related, perchance? Xx Jess

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  2. They both look a lot like Kevin Bacon, don't you think?

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  3. She has written SIX autobiographies. Talk about self-obsession!

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  4. Amazing that people will believe the prognostications of a civilization that wasn’t smart enough to continue in existence and became extinct.

    Obviously, they were overly optimistic - given that their world ended a long time ago!

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  5. thanks for sharing.

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  6. Yeh 17 Dec. Anonymous. Mayan Angelou, self-obsessed. That is called pride. Mayan is not saved. she needs to stop wasting runnin' out time writing crazy poems and auto (proud) biographies and start prayin' alot to get saved.

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  7. Oi, Eccles, I is still ere. Wots went rong? If I wake up rammorra an my murrerinlaw is still ear wot am I goin to doh? I no I kant divorse the resident Calvinist, me bein a Kafflik, but I wiz hoppin the auld deer wis off!

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