Not to be taken more than once a year.
Hello there, we at the Tabloid are conducting a totally impartial survey on the new translation of the liturgy (or "New Mass" as we call it). Please choose an option from each of the following.
1. The liturgy reached perfection in... (a) 1973, when we finally got rid of Latin forever; (b) 2011, when we introduced a rubbish translation with hard words in it; (c) it will never reach perfection until Paul Inwood is given a free hand. 2. Which of the following do you prefer... (a) "And also with you," friendly and polite; (b) "And with your spirit," because I'm a pompous old fogey; (c) "Yeah, right, mate, whatever." 3. When you say "...through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault" do you... (a) strike your breast, like a foolish old traddy; (b) grin, knowing that the words are not to be taken literally; (c) our priest skips this bit and we do a liturgical dance instead.
It was YOUR most grievous fault. Got that?
4. How well does the priest manage to say the new Eucharistic Prayers... (a) he gets them wrong, and corrects himself; (b) he uses the old prayers because he is imbued with the spirit of Vatican II; (c) he uses his own words ("mug" instead of "chalice" and "OK, there's coffee next door" instead of "Go forth, the Mass is ended."
Just as good as a "chalice."
5. How often do you see people around you in the pews still struggling to follow the new text? (a) always, with cries of "Help! What does 'consubstantial' mean, again?" (b) never, because they still say the old one; (c) er, we've not had anyone attending Mass since the 1970s. 6. Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof? (a) Oh yes I am; (b) Oh no I'm not; (c) What does this question mean, anyway? 7. Latin is the work of... (a) the Devil; (b) the Pope, whom we must resist at all costs; (c) Julius Caesar, but what's he got to do with the Mass?
It's all his fault.
8.Are you reading the Tabloid because you are... (a) an escaped lunatic; (b) a layman in good standing; (c) a miserable deacon who likes insulting people; (d) a go-ahead liberal priest; (e) a bishop/archbishop/cardinal; (f) the Pope, Hans Küng, or someone of equal status?